A headache of Headhunting

I've been head-hunted! I've taken a call from an old friend working in another shop to let me know there’s a possible chance for promotion in another store. So yesterday I discussed this with my manager; which puts the team in an awkward position as we’re already losing a strong team member next week owing to his advancement. There are two other team members who are also advancing up in cascade; and the team needs me to help keep the meter running. So as we approach our busiest time and the boss plays away, I’m worried as to where’s my chance to step up into the limelight to advance my career. Where’s my chance to progress and develop and try out new things? I'm just a bit tired of being left behind in this company and to clean up other people’s mess, while they step up to shine and take all the credit. 

Sweat the Horse Stuff

Nick Grimshaw’s Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff recently featured a picture of a white horse with a long white mane grinning at the camera. Even though I've yet to watch an episode of his show; I can’t stand the guy. He’s an untalented lazy presenter with a gay face and a lazy attitude. Anyway, I can already picture the lame jokes that Grimshaw will make about this horse. Because he’s worth it. He has orgasms over the horse’s mane of hair. To be honest, it’ll probably be more exciting if the horse hosts the show; just like the traditional show of Mr. Ed. He could hang out in the stables of a racecourse; watching the world go by and take the mick out of all the mindless celebrities (just like Grimshaw!).  There would have to be a reason as to why the horse isn't racing, but that’ll come to me at some point or other. He could be retired; or it could just be the mystery of the show.

Waste is every little

Tesco's supermarket has been heavily criticised by the green brigade for throwing over two thirds of its fresh food away. Yesterday they announced that over 30,000 tonnes of food were thrown away. Surely by now you'd thought that by now their supply managers would be able to get the supply and demand balance right; selling just the right kind of quantity without risking the freshness of the product. Yesterday they announced that over 30,000 tonnes of food were thrown away. And yet this morning I'm treated to a documentary on how to manage your kitchen. Do they think we're that stupid? Good grief. What the supermarkets need to do is to buy less and offer reduced prices to the main stock when it goes past its prime; and let the public know when the freshest ingredients are available; giving them a choice. Just like a new car, everything depreciates on value over time; and this is something that these grocers desperately need to manage. Quality is value; use it to your advantage. 

Lost in the Labyrinth

I've just finished reading Kate Mosse’s Labyrinth. It was a strange tale to start with; but I made good progress and managed to read around three chapters a day. The constant flashbacks made the whole plot confusing; and I often had to backtrack to remind myself as to what each character were up to. This morning, I burned right the way through to finish the book; and amazingly I found myself heading back through it to pick out the good bits. I never thought I’d do this in a million years; I found so many bad similes and vague scene descriptions in the book; it never seemed to flow.  It’s quite hard to picture the characters; but I've been told that the TV series portrays it a lot better. And now that I've finished the whole book, I've got some time to think about the next book from the BBC’s Big Read.

An Education in Intoxication

Yesterday was my first trip to Oxford. I’d been before; but this was the first time in the actual city. And a very busy city it is too. There were pedestrians everywhere; and the high street was absolutely rammed. Even the buses had trouble getting through their lanes. We were there to visit the beer festival and sample a couple of hostelries afterwards. And so, it seemed, a lot of students were doing the same thing.  The Gownies were out in force visiting the pubs as part of their initiation week. The classic pubs that were in the heart of the college district were packed out with students. After the Turf’s Tavern we visited the White Horse; where a group of Morris men arrived to entertain us. I only stayed to watch the first dance; as the music was very familiar and wanted to get on with exploring. So onwards to the Eagle & Sun, where, as we neared, a whole crowd arrived and took over the whole pub just as we approached the doorstep.  To make things easier; we decided to venture out to the Lamb and Flag, where it was much less crowded; and gave us enough time to visit more pubs.

What are our Saturday shows teaching us?

I've been watching the Saturday morning cartoons this morning and it seems that the latest cartoons are lacking somewhat of a plot line. Each storyline seems to show that the main character never gets their way to become an epic hero to win the day. In Horrid Henry, for instance; the last comic is taken from his store by his arch enemy/next door neighbour; and there's no grown-ups to help him. The parents are concerned about  the mess; the helpline calls him stupid for trying; and the final scene shows Henry surrendering in a maids costume by teatime, with no resolution as to how to get his comic back. I  find this slightly alarming; are we teaching our children to give up do easily? That there is no cause worth perusing and we should just give up? Where's the inspiration? Where's the ambition? And, most importantly; what are we teaching these children?

 

Heat or Eat? Let's work together on this.

This morning’s news featured a ‘heat or eat’ campaign; focusing on the hardships that older people face thins winter. Now I'm no economics expert; but when you hear that something like this happens; you know that something’s gone terribly wrong with life choices. There’s not been any opportunity for provision; yet there’s the social aspect too. Older people should not be left socially alone for the state to care for. Friends and family should have a responsibility too. And friends aren't that difficult to make nowadays. Just offering someone a simple cup of tea or talking to someone on a regular basis can have a major difference; and this may lead to invites to social functions or something even more. But if you really are in a heat or eat situation; then please do eat and send for help to make yourself more mobile; at least you will find some warm spaces out there. 

Solid Blogging

I think I can safely say that I've gone a whole month of solid blogging. Every day I've found time to fill that white space with words without having to stare blankly at the walls. I've covered many topics such as my thoughts on current affairs; as well as day to day happenings in my life. And the amazing thing is that I've always managed to find time to write those 150 words. I admit that sometimes it has been a very close call to the midnight deadline; and at one time I literally had to park the car in a lay-by to make sure that I got the day's quota done. But now I'm writing regularly; and my reading list seems to be progressing well too. I just need to find a bit more time to slow down on the CAMRA stuff before I can carry on with my writing course. 

It's all me in Team

So my boss got back off his holidays and didn’t even ask what I’ve been up to. I quickly filled him in on what I’ve been up to; mainly checking the last two weeks of his stock check while also continuing to be a manager for the store. I explain it’s been tough as I haven’t had the help of the rest of the team; as they took a week to get the whole store ready for the Christmas promotion. They’ve spent the last seven days assembling bits of cardboard and taping posters to the walls. So what do you think his first action is? Straight to the cardboard brigade, leaving muggins here to crack on with all the other jobs. And then again today we discussed what needed to be done in order to impress our visiting manager, then he disappears without even achieving a thing on his to do list. I need out of this so called teamster hellhole. 

Give a parent a boot up the Arse

There's been a campaign on the radio to give a kid a breakfast. Not an Ethiopian child in some war-torn, middle African country but right here in old Blighty. What the heck is going on? Is a loaf of bread really that much to put a bit of toast together or some fruit in the morning? It really does makes it sound as if we're living in a third world country here; unless the cereal companies have decided that we are not buying enough of their breakfast cereal. Things like this really worry me; who is looking after these children if we taxpayers are seeking to donate resources to the schoolchildren next door? Get up and take some responsibility. Or I just might start a campaign to get people to volunteer to go for work for me. It'd be called the Welfare Scheme; where I sacrifice others to keep myself well. 

Green is the new Red

I've just been to the stationary store to get some more paper for the printer. Upon entry, there's a great big pile of reams on sale for £3.60. Great! However, as I wasn't in a rush; I had a wander round and found another pile towards the back of the store at only £2.40 a ream. Even better. But then right at the end along with all the specialist papers were the recycled reams. Four pounds. Four pounds! And the branded stuff was £6.50! What is the point of trying to recycle if this is all that's on offer? Sure, the pulp goes into other materials too like newspapers; but to me it should surely be the other way round; selling second-hand paper that's been used before? You'd have thought by now that they'd have had enough raw materials and the technology to make it more cost effective. So buying green is a bit mean on your wallet. 

In the drivel of the night

Last night's visit to catch up with some more pub folk went a bit wonky. I was really hoping to bump into some fellow beer enthusiasts that I hadn't seen in a long time; but the pub was virtually deserted. Quite a few diners but not many social drinkers. Apart from one determined chap who was sat at the bar supping his pint. The same chap who was there last Sunday and probably hasn't moved since. 'Did you know there's a field behind the pub where people abandon dogs?' he says. 'I go there to shoot 'em. Some you can take home and nurse back to health. But it's all right because they're old show dogs. ' And we went round in circles for at least three times. Eventually we decided to ignore him as it's the only thing he seemed to talk about. As we leave; we tell him it's our favourite new hobby to wander around fields in the pouring rain in the middle of the night to look for abandoned dogs. But does he budge? No. 

Oblivion is Oblique

It's as see-through as the copters and the house in the film. There's not much of a storyline and very little in the plot; and it all remains a mystery of how things actually occur.  It probably looks a lot better on the big screen with all the effects; and it was a film that I really was looking forward to seeing. But after watching the first hour I fell asleep and had an oblivious dream myself. This time round, I was the clone in a supermarket but was still armed to the teeth. Meanwhile, the real me was hiding behind a display pillar; avoiding the robotic me's gaze. So in part two we witness how Jack saves the earth by destroying the overlords. The film comes to a very short conclusion; with a fairly confused ending towards the end. So despite a huge build-up, the film is quite bland; leaving not much to offer at all. But if you think deeper; there's a lot to read between the lines for a fantastic idea. But as a whole; it's just a little too robotic with not much atmosphere at all. 

Relaxing on the box

I've just heard of Dog TV. It’s a TV channel designed just for dogs; for if you have to leave your dog at home. Although it sounds very strange and a waste of money; it shows that those who subscribe to it really do care about the well being of their pet. Plus, I've watched a whole minute of it through our website; and it just seems so relaxing and calming. And that’s something that we really need on our TVs; just beautiful images of nature and soothing music; so that we can just unwind and relax at the end of the day. Usually there’s some sitcom where people are screaming at each other in an over-reactive manner or a scandal; maybe someone’s even trying to sell us something. But there’s nothing to help us relax; apart from music channels which only cater for the pumped up hits of today or artists that have the money to make a music video. So come on media world. You've done it for dogs; it’s time for us too.

The pub chat

After a beer club meeting I was keen to get away from the politics and into some proper pub chat, so I popped into the Rising Sun for last orders. It’s a pub that’s typically open late; and there are a few late night faces that I'm getting to know a lot better lately. So after buying my last pint of the evening, I took a seat at the next vacant table to see where I could join in. We discussed the area of Dingleside, even though it’s not a district and is surrounded by another district entirely. We talked oddly about tyres and to make sure that you have the right tyres for when you’re going over 100 mph. And we also tried to discern what someone actually did for a living. And it’s very relaxing to actually just talk about rubbish for a change; and try to figure new things out.

Spur of the Moment

Badminton is always about reactions. Even though the shuttle is lighter, it has to travel further because the net is much higher. You've only got moments to decide if you're going to play the shot or leave it for the border line people to decide. Then you've got your partner on top of that; and at the same time you have to decide who is playing the shot. Finally; you need to be in a good position to return the rally or direct it to somewhere that your opponent is going to struggle to get to. But quite often, just the simple act of your own movement can tilt the game in your favour, because the movement of your body is powerful enough to direct air towards the shuttle; so if you're travelling the same direction as the shuttle and it hits the tape; you might just be lucky enough to knock that shuttle over. 

A Wet Dream

I had a very strange dream last night that made me very angry and I woke up angry too! I dreamt that I was in a pub near Ombersley; though the inside bar was a lot like the Weighbridge in Alvechurch. I ordered a pint of light pale ale and was given a very tall glass with a very long handle. I was then charged £13.75. I questioned as to why it was so expensive and was told it was for glass hire. I looked on the bar and there was a small notice saying beer 1p, with glass £13.75. I looked around the room to see that everyone was suddenly staring into their own glasses; which were obviously brought from home as they all seemed to be beer festival glasses of some sort. I remember paying the money, sit down fuming at the table; then in a moment of frustration threw the glass against the wall, which only produced a small crack in the side. I returned to the car with my friend who, once inside, said ‘should have had a half’.  

The dinner deal

I've just trekked over to Bromsgrove straight from work to speak against them knocking down a pub to build flats. This was half an hour in commuter traffic in what should have been a fifteen minute journey. Upon arrival I find that my agenda item has been cancelled and that the best option is to head back home. If I had checked my messages beforehand I would have saved myself a ten mile trip. But the worst point of all was; having formerly agreed that I would be eating late in the evening; I returned home to find no food. I even sent a message that my meeting had been cancelled and had no response. I did not agree to eat out and was very disappointed with what was left in the freezer. I seriously need to get out of this sit-in. Just on Friday I was complained about because I was moving furniture before the watershed. 

Apples and Pears

Yesterday was Apple Day, a day to celebrate the harvest of our orchards. I was at Headless Cross Green, running a stall to promote our beer club and to join in the day itself. It was great weather; and I got to invite a lot of people to come inside our gazebo and taste and talk about beer. There was food for sale including giant pumpkins; local honey; and of course, apples. There were apples to press; paintings to observe and a human fruit machine; which consisted of three blokes drawing fruit out of a bucket all day long. One guy even made a moustache out of a banana. It was a great atmosphere; and the only frowney face I saw was when a little lad’s balloon went pop. Then after packing everything away I went over to support the Rocklands Cider Festival. I had inly intended to stay for an hour but there was a great atmosphere there as some of the other stallholders were there too, so it made for a great after party.  

Foraging in Feckenham

The Foresters Arms in Feckenham is the newest pub in town. It certainly pulls people in as the car park was completely full last night; as well as the free local car park down the road. Despite being half past nine there were still people eating in the restaurant and the bar was quite popular too. The main entrance has been moved to the old fire escape, while the corridor to the restaurant has been blocked off and a wall at the other side of the bar has been knocked through. Fake books adjourn the walls to give a drawing room feeling and the furniture is a mixture of straw chairs for the ladies and bar stools and tables for the gents. The bar has been refurnished completely with glass shelving and there are three ales on handpump. The atmosphere is full of well-to-do diners having post-dinner drinks and the staff are eager to please. 

Those Autumn Days

It’s Autumn and the days are getting darker. I'm certainly feeling more tired in the evenings. Plus the mornings are getting a bit difficult too. I usually set my alarm for 6am to ensure that I'm up to write a morning piece; and just pick up my phone to start writing. Though usually I'm just either dozing back off or playing games; at which point it gets to ten past seven. By then I have to move quickly in order to get breakfast and through the bathroom too. By then it’s too late to make the planned walk to work and I end up driving. As we don’t get much light in the stockroom, it’s difficult to adjust and we constantly find ourselves dazed and confused; especially when we often have periods of quiet in the shop. But soon, the temperature will drop and our clocks will go back. Is this for the better?  

Colour me Apple

So last night I finally made the switch to the all new iOS7. The first change that I saw was the immediate increase in disk space; and that the feature to block timewasting contacts would be very useful too. However, the good things stopped around there. While the new system is indeed more colourful; the whole appearance seems slightly cheaper and less graphic. The first thing I had to do was to turn off the passcode feature which was quite annoying and troublesome to do so. If I have to put in a code every time I want to use my phone; it’s just keeping me away from my information for longer. After all, it’s only me that uses my phone; and I can block it and trace it completely if it’s stolen. Meanwhile, while the wifi button was more prominent on the homepage; it’s a shame that they haven’t done the same with the 3G button too. So hopefully Apple will realise their mistake quite quickly and get back to the proper designers that they are. Otherwise; it’s time to switch.

What a write-off

So today's expedition to the gym had to be abandoned. For starters; I couldn't find my membership card; having used it twice last week. Yesterday I managed to get away with using my Dad's for swimming, but needed my own for the gym. So after a big tidy up I still couldn't find it, so decided to just pay for another one. On arrival, I was late so the guy just waved me through. 'Never mind' I thought; I'll just sort it out next week. So I trotted upstairs to the gym only to discover that I've got no water either. After a quick season I decide to just buy a drink and head back to the locker; only to discover that I have no change. And I haven't shaved either. So I decide to write the morning off; abandon all hope and just head back to the ranch. And I don't even get a blink of the eye from the old man. 

Drone of the Drunks

I quite enjoy the late night visits to the Rising Sun. It's late; the party people have gone elsewhere; leaving only the diehard drinkers who are quite happy to chat to you at the bar; whatever state they're in. On Saturday I had an excellent chat with someone about old nightlife venues in Redditch. Then last night it was a case of 'Spot the Drunk'; and try to convince them what needs putting right in the world. It started off quietly as his greasy head of mod black and grey hair was slouched down facing a lonesome table. Then my friend decides to stir him up and wake him. We had a great discussion on what he does compares to everyone else; and how he should move forward to get a promotion. We then talked about his daughter and how she's been mistreated while she runs around and needs to be sorted out. All while we're slurring away into a glass of ale. 

L'eau de me

I often wonder what’s the right amount of human odour. Obviously I get my daily dose of deodorant; but there’s often an after smell depending on what I'm doing. If I'm straight out of the shower from the gym; I get a lovely sweat mustiness rubbed into me for the day. Some odd lavatorial habits can also leave me prone to a smell which is sweated out slowly through my skin.  I sometimes wonder if it’s a smell that I can smell and others can’t, which sometimes makes me a bit paranoid and embarrassed as to what is the cause, and it can often undermine my confidence sometimes too. Am I truly getting away with it? Maybe I've got a heightened sense of smell anyway. It’s not something that you can politely ask; so it really is difficult to tell. Of course the trick is to be prepared at all times but sometimes it’s just not possible when you’re in a rush. 

Am I Special?

After a leading supermarket decided to withdraw its supply of mental patient Halloween costumes from its shelves; I'm currently wondering what my official status is. I got very confused at a pub on Thursday when an old lady thought that my friend was looking after a group of us. But on a lot of occasions I do say the wrong thing or display negative behaviour because of what someone else had said. At a party on Friday it was very hard to interact with other people. I have noticed lately that I sometimes react too quickly to what others say; and that often it can be interpreted as rude. For instance; at Drayton Manor the other day I echoed the phrase "whatever's easier for you" when I took a wheelchair apart so that my friend could join the ride. Often being smart and commenting on the service being offered does not necessarily mean that the service will instantly be improved. And on that very night I also had a dream about quick speak reactions resulting in isolation. I've also had problems in responding to jokes in jest; and my response has often been too serious.  So I'm currently  evaluating my social skills and what can be done about it. 

The Complaint

So yesterday we had the angry consumer in the shop. He'd bought a CD player with Bluetooth only to find out that there was no Bluetooth. There was clearly a Bluetooth logo in the catalogue; yet nothing in the on-line description. And naturally; he wanted to know what we were going to do about it. So we did some research and it turned out that we could offer him a Pioneer unit at a great price; but it wasn't available today. For some reason this was very unsatisfactory and he decided to threaten legal action. Now we'd done our job to the best of our ability; but our only alternative was to offer him a refund. But he wouldn't accept that people make mistakes and he decided to make a great deal out of explaining his predicament to everyone in the office over the phone; all front of our lovely customers. The joys of shop life. 

Dead in Drayton

It was great to visit Drayton Manor yesterday. We had picked a great day where the novelty of summer had still not warmed off; all the grown-ups were at work; the kids were at school with no chance of an end of term trip; and even the students were back at college. So there were no queues and it was absolutely dead. Dead to the point where Shockwave; Europe’s only stand-up roller coaster was absolutely dead and I was stood at the front in my very own car. The only time we had to queue was when the ride was already in motion. So very soon, we were all coasted out. We even had time to explore the zoo at a leisurely pace. It was fantastic to see all the traditional roller coasters there like the Buffalo ride and the Pirate adventure. But they've also gotten rid of some of the old favourites like the Jungle Cruiser as well. The times are a-changing.

Piecing the Pillars together

I've finally finished reading Ken Follett’s The Pillars of the Earth. It’s a fascinating novel of parish life in England throughout the exile of Thomas St. Beckett. Although there are trials and tribulations of the small folk over their ruling counterparts; the story shows that everyone is answerable to someone; whoever it may be. There are gaps in the history of the characters which are sometimes hastily filled in; while at other times there is more detail than necessary; especially when it comes down to describing craftsmanship in the middle ages. But the plot is very well thought out, and for me it conjures up a modern day piper who seeks out justice for those who don’t pay their way in society and avenges the wrongdoing decisions of those in power. And the biggest surprise at the end for me was that it counts towards my BBC’s Big Read reading list too!

Harry's a hard one

I've recently started to play the Lego Harry Potter video game. These games are usually thought out very well and are lots of fun, though in this case the game can sometimes be extremely difficult. The main problem at the moment seems to be building those missing extras. One of the key  stratagems is to build Lego objects using your wand to gain access to other areas. The key components seem to be hidden in objects so minute and insignificant that you really have to tear the game apart to find what you're looking for, and the individual levels seem to be quite short so there's never enough time to fill up the bonus bar. It's also quite difficult to direct objects to where you want to go, with no auto move system in place to assist you in moving those vital Lego pieces. Still, a long way to go yet. 

Bad news at the Bistro

So at tonight's beer club meeting we affectionally attended a pub which we recently decided to present an award to. It was a great idea; the pub had done a fantastic job of turning a mess tent into a proper bistro lounge; complete with its own bar and heating. The fact that they had gone to all this effort alongside promoting a curry club and real ale club all at fantastic prices is phenomenal. However, the final test came today when the virgins decided to visit for the first time. And the beer was just not quite right. It makes a world of difference; that the beer quality was just not quite right to seal the deal. The staff were friendly and there was a fantastic deal of banter at the bar; the surroundings were very accommodating and we were not in anyone's way. But serve us an average pint of beer and we will turn the tables against you. 

Crawling around Clent

I really enjoyed my RambAle yesterday. Despite attempts to hijack and re-route the walk to make it even longer; it really did turn out to be a successful day. The sun was shining as we left the Lyttleton Arms; and people thought that I had access to a big red phone upstairs or that I was the Sun God of Ra! So after our first two pubs we reached the hills; and after a hefty climb to the top; the views were absolutely stunning. We could see from miles around; from Halesowen to Birmingham and towards the mighty Malvern Hills too. Then after visiting the Stones we decided to descend down to the pub… along with everyone else it seemed. We had quite a wait before our whole party was fed; which was a real shame. But at least we had another three venues to visit after that to scout out some excellent beer. So after putting our much lighter wallets back into our pockets; we ascended Nag’s Hill for one last look at the Malverns. Then it was back to a pub crawl; albeit with a bit of walking between each one. You can see a full map of our walk on this web address (it’s a very impressive shape!): http://www.walkjogrun.net/routes/current_route.cfm?rid=BEEBB795-9A25-4C06-90A1-7CE50EADEC4F

Droning on about Droitwich

Yesterday’s visit to Droitwich was a fine example of how a town should be. There was a ring road with shops in the centre, surrounded by footpaths and underpasses so that pedestrians could still go about their daily lives. There’s no end of convenience stores or pubs in the residential areas for those essential supplies. However, although there were some shops with big high street brands; it’s not somewhere you’d go for a bit of shopping. As the town is quite small; there’s only really room for a small stretch of shops. The fact that there are two large medical buildings is something of an overkill. But it is a community town that always has something on; whether it’s an empty shop hosting a book sale or local art gallery; or the fact that you can pop down for a nice stroll alongside the canal. It is a medieval town that I would very much like to visit some more to explore its history.

People watching on the train

I'm on a train heading over to Droitwich. It's a nicer way to travel and I only have to pay one fare. It's always nice to watch the countryside go by at this time of year. There's fruit ripe for the picking on trees. There's cows and sheep going about their daily lives. And occasionally; just occasionally; you can see the lives of other people as you cross bridges and pass through towns. There's Saturday football matches being played. Cars travelling alongside busy roads. People's possessions that they have carefully stowed away in their back gardens. Fancy trimmed hedges, security systems on the gates of fancy houses; even a poster praising the Lord Jesus Christ. And other people making their own journey as the train passes through the station. There's car doors in motion as people meet and greet each other for pre-arranged lifts.  Shopping bags, pushchairs and newspapers all showing just what they've been up to.  It's just great for people watching. 

What am I paying for?

So once again our hospitals are under threat. Millions of pounds have been spent dealing with millions of complaints; mainly with our hospitals closing. The people who run them seem to think that there's no money to be made out of a free health service. And they'd be right. Because when someone is offering something for free; someone has to pay for it somewhere. But having hospitals cut down on services purely for financial reasons is unacceptable. Where is the service for the people  who pay for them? Well, I think it's time that people who fund the service should have a bit of priority over the freeloaders; otherwise what are the funders paying for? if that encourages the freeloaders to get off their X boxes and actually contribute to society; then so much the better. 

What's the Buzz?

There's been a lot of chatter about the humble bumble bee lately. Apparently numbers are dwindling and we have had to ask a woman to drive to Sweden in her camper van to bring back one hundred bees in a refrigerator. There's even been a film which has been allowed to be confused with a children's animation. So how has this been allowed to happen? We've had the same winter as  ever. There's been no pollen shortage as I've been sneezing away throughout July. There has been an excellent source of pollen in our garden. The only thing that I can think of is obese children mistaking them for wasps and splatting them for their honey rather than leaving them alone to get on with making some.  Now scientists want to study them to apply their flight patterns to modern aircraft during wet weather (the bees, not the obese children) if they can find and defrost them...

Has anyone asked Us?

 So the Scots are having a debate as to whether or not they should go solo and become their own country. Lots of people are being asked if they should back the pound or lose the Westminster ties and be allowed to make their own laws. No doubt in two years they'll have their own nuclear programme and will seek revenge in a William Wallace-esque missile. Personally I can't wait to lose our northern cousins; and put up a barrier keeping them out of our fair land. We can barely understand them; and half of them seem to be stuck on a train smelling of booze and seeking shelter in our warmer climate anyway. So the question is; what do we get out of Scotland? Do we lose anything valuable other than haggis; Tennants and the Loch Ness Monster? Or we will be welcome as foreigners just like everywhere else in the world? And do we get a say in casting off our Bravehearts?

Act natural or lose your sales.

One of the things that we have to do when working in sales is to please our overlords and meet the targets. They’re not going to give us a shop and stock for free. And no matter what you buy, there’s always something to add to that’s sale; whether it’s batteries to make it work; a case to protect it; or even an extended warranty if you think you’re going to be clumsy with it. And every time; we always have to offer these products as part of our process. Now, I'm not the most natural of sales people. And if the customer doesn't engage, it’s really difficult to encourage them to spend that little extra. But the overlords are pushy. They believe that it’s our fault that we’re not hitting the targets; and they've even started supplying figures of the opportunities that we've missed. But being forceful can have its drawbacks. It discourages people from visiting our store again; or they may prefer to use the automated service rather than a human cashier. And that’s what the overlords need to realise. We need to tailor our service to suit our No. 1.

Those backward Americans

I've just been trying to make sense of American Football. So far there's been a lot of standing around with the occasional push and shove across the field. When the action's in motion it's hard to see what's happening; and sometimes the focus is more on the pushing and shoving  than the ball itself; resulting in only a few seconds of play. We then have a referee who; after a chat with his colleagues; calls out some strange numbers and does a little dance on the field. Our next treat is a quick profile update on the players and managers; while presumably someone runs around the pitch standing all the players back up again. There's also managers on the pitch edge with headsets while surrounded by a bunch of coaches. Presumably they're hiring and firing new players as their stock becomes bruised or increases in value. And numbers just keep appearing on the screen; the play clock just keeps freezing after every skirmish so how long it takes to play a whole game we'll never know. Even the network gave up interest and switched to a repeat of opening cardboard boxes rather than to see it through. Yet over 68,000 people were determined to sit through over four hours of stop motion action, just to see a stampede of helmets. Why? Because it's FOOTBALL! 

Be careful what you say out there Mr. Beeb

So this morning I was watching the news and they were talking about a vertical conference. What does that mean? Is it a conference where the attendees stand up for the duration rather than sit down? Perhaps it’s a conference where everyone who takes part has to lie down on their backs. It would certainly make things awkward when it’s your turn to speak; you would have to be strapped to the ceiling. Or is it a one way conference when someone just talks down at you? I thought that was a lecture. It’s most likely going to be this term; but I’ve Googled and Yahoo’d the term but can’t find any exact definition. I certainly don’t think that the Lib Dems have been attending this year’s youth conference in Massachusetts. Using clichés; especially political ones; can cause confusion to your real meaning; and can also alienate your viewers as well. So please Mr. Beeb; say what you mean for a change and don’t try to hide behind a phrasebook. 

Crushing Candies

It appears that matching candies is trickier than it seems. We spend ages staring at screens; looking for combinations to get the maximum points; and to place and activate those special candies in precisely the right square at the right time. Yet the pattern in which the new candies are generated is always a mystery.  Add in some annoying music (which I always mute and just have the sound effects); together with annoyingly challenging levels and hidden enemies; and you're sure to have a hit. Yet Candy Crush is the biggest game around. Even my mum is playing it; and is always demanding that I log on and send her a ticket or more lives as soon as I walk through that door. It's simplicity means that absolutely anyone can have a go. And the amount of challenges that are put forward seem to be endless. Only 261 levels to go! Just hope we're achieving something. 

So simple...

I sometimes head over to eat at the Sainsbury’s café. It’s a strange place and the staff there always seems to look as if they’re the simplest of the whole store team. You seem to have to make your own coffee from a tepid machine and choose from the vast array of empty cups that they have on display for you. There’s no barista and there’s hardly anyone there to help you at the checkout, which makes me wonder whether there’s a free grab and go service.  A tray is available to put your single choice of drink on the table. The strangest thing is that they run out of certain dishes. This is extremely odd, as there’s an ample supply of groceries less than fifteen feet away in the rest of the store. Yet there’s no custom chef and the food isn't overly gourmet; considering it’s from a grocer where there’s a great opportunity to showcase just what you could do with some simple ingredients.  

Adventures with your Breakfast Bowl

I've recently had the luxury of choosing my own cereal. Usually we just get what’s on offer or what’s best value per gram. But this morning I opened a box of Lion Bar cereal. And it’s actually very nice. It’s as if pieces of Lion bar are in my bowl soaking up my morning milk. But it seems as if the Health Brigade are stamping down on our choice of novelty cereals. Novelty breakfasts and prize toys are becoming less of the norm. Lucky Charms now have to be imported from the USA because of the high sugar content in the marshmallows. And it’s a terrible shame that Hollyoaks’ Banana Bongo Flakes don’t actually exist. There’s lots of potential for development of new products out there such as coffee flavoured cornflakes (which does actually exist in America, but needs more caffeine). So instead of going with the cheapest or what’s on offer, why not be a bit more adventurous picking out what goes into your breakfast bowl?

They don't make them like they used to

It's a shame when your favourite gadget stops working. You've been saving up for ages to get this great bargain and when it finally goes kaput; all you can do is to seek out another one. And that's even harder. Because; after being reassured that these will always be available; new stock comes in which does the job far more efficiently but costs that little bit extra and won't be compatible with your old one.  But most importantly; they don't make them any more. Sometimes you might be lucky and manage to get hold of one from somewhere; whether it's a mate or a website or from a different shop. But most of the time you're just forced to form out for a new one. You see, it's cheaper to replace stuff rather than to fork out for labour costs in repairs. It just goes to show what a disposal world we live in. 

Off the rails

So the government’s high speed rail project to get us quickly into London is coming off the rails. Apparently the £50 billion that have been earmarked to spend on this project is too much to justify the benefits. Personally I would rather that they spend the money on improving existing connections to ensure that transport is more reliable and up to date; especially buses when you've been standing at a stop for half an hour wondering whether the damn thing will show up. We need a robust transport structure in place across the country so that people can get about easier. And we need them later too; at least once an hour in the evenings would certainly make life simpler. It would certainly help the people who are currently being forced out of their homes to make way for four bits of steel. So let’s use modern technology a bit more to help get our nation moving. 

A work nite

So last night I was invited to a wedding reception at the Abbey Hotel, a posh venue complete with golf course; and of course no real ale. My first choice was Moorland's Old Speckled Hen; a strong beer in a bottle; but at £4.20 and that was just for a stick (two thirds). Having asked for a glass; I was given a half glass which I was asked to change (otherwise I wouldn't have any hands free for the doors!). She said so but explained it would be foamy; I explained it would settle. My next tipple was Tetley's Huntsman's Ale which was the same price but at least I got a full pint of it. This time the barmaid said; “It’s Ale, you know". Yes, but not as we would like it. Meanwhile my colleague's husband was getting sloshed on crappy lager and asking if the dismissal of  his son was fair. Yes it was, you thieving shit.

Gaga for Fashion

I  saw a picture of Lady Gaga the other day in her latest dress. It was pure white, plastic and the article mentioned what a trendsetter for fashion this woman has. Personally, I think she looked like she was carting a giant toilet roll on her back. I see these models wearing these enormous dresses and I think; how practical is this? How would the modern person wear this dress in an everyday situation? You would not fit onto a commuter train without a considerable amount of crush. You would not be able to sit down at your desk. You would have to spend a considerable amount of time taking your tres chic outfit off and on again should you wish to visit the bathroom. If you are making a statement to make us aware of something then that is fair enough; but no-one is going to rush out to Debenhams to buy  your dress for evening wear. And that is because the modern world has more sense. 

I gotta wait till the midnight hour

In a 24 hour service culture; you’d think that you’d be able to get whatever you want, at any time of the day. Ice cream sundae for breakfast; evening; a whiskey slammer with your porridge, or even get pop to your gym at 3 in the morning. But no. I’d agreed to give someone a lift to the airport; and their flight was ridiculously early. So on the way back I decided to pop into a 24 hour McDonald's for breakfast. I knew that there were some restrictions on the menu as I’d previously seen a group of Muslim lads come in after a night shift to order fish burgers; to be told that only breakfast would be served which meant they had to leave empty-handed. This time, it was my turn. ‘Sorry mate; breakfast starts in ten minutes’ said the spotted teenager behind the till. Luckily, I had a voucher for a free coffee; which I was then able to use while I drummed the time away for me to get a breakfast bagel. And that drumming was put to excellent use; as I managed to make progress on a hefty novel that I’d been reading. And at least I knew that my food would be cooked too; and not just left on the shelf as a leftover from another order. But it does raise the question that; if it’s a 24 hour service; then surely that service should cater to you?  

The Pedestrian

These mysterious creatures roam the pavements at all hours, and, eventually, stumble into the road too. Some are old ladies walking dogs with a beaming smile on their face; watching you as you pass as if to say, ‘Look, I'm fit; I'm out there and I'm walking and I'm exercising too; and you are not. I’m caring for another being.’ Some are strange hooded folk with earphones on their ears and phones out in front; as if seeking for guidance for where they are going and have no sense of what’s around. And some are just too cute and fluffy and you have to slow down for them, as they cautiously make their way across the road for want of not knowing what those two bright white lights are as they make their way from hedgerow to hedgerow. It’s a bit harsh to just squash the life out of them.    

Time for me!

I've quite enjoyed this year's birthday and was able to take time to celebrate. The morning started with a swim to burn off the previous day's Chinese, followed by a normal breakfast. Then I had a few hours to myself to get some campaigns organised in response to other people's requests. A short walk followed in a quest to the Beefeater; and although there was no real ale available (and some beardy weirdie was actually present to point it out to me!), I quite enjoyed my Swedish pear flavoured cider and ginger pork washed down by sticky toffee pudding. A short walk back towards town allowed me to jump on a train to Brum and catch up on some reading along the way. Once I'd arrived and explored the new station, I decided to venture into TK Max for a pair of jeans, and after close scrutiny; I actually found two! My next task was shoes; and after searching the big department stores I had found some I liked in the big discount stores; but; after battling with teenage shop workers and foreign families to get some service; they just weren't in my size. So my final task was to kill some time before a meeting by visiting some pubs to get some Cask Marque scans; I'm happy to report that I'm now over the 50 mark and hopefully a polo shirt will be finding its way to me soon. 

A night at the Works

So was tonight was an excellent night for trying out a new chinky. We all got together to visit one of our favourite pubs; and because the pub doesn't serve meals, we’re invited to bring takeaway food into the pub and they even provide the plates and cutlery. So after placing a call to China to tell them what we wanted; all we had to do was sit back and sup some pints while we waited for the food to arrive. And oddly, it felt like calling China as the chinky asked us for the postcode of the pub; even though it was about four hundred yards up the road. Still, when it arrived, it was well worth the wait. We had ordered a mixed platter so that we had starters to share; and the main course just melted in the mouth. So after enjoying my fried king prawn and chicken in garlic and chilli sauce; we stayed on for the pub quiz. We actually came third; and we didn't even have to refer to our mobile phones! Plus the quiz host created a brilliant atmosphere too.

Strip the Strip

As part of my subscription to a beer club, I receive an independent newspaper every month detailing the club’s activities. At the end of each issue is a short comic strip depicting the typical pub-goer and the antics that he gets up to. There has been some continuous debate about the persistence of the strip; and I have always argued that it is drawn up by a volunteer in good spirits. Lately though, I have to agree with the latter crowd in that the strip has become updated. This month’s adventure features a man walking into a lamppost; while previously he argues that pies aren't up to traditional logistics. Quite often, the plot is confused and the message is lost; and the whole cartoon depicts a man who is the fool that is stuck in his ways and refuses to embrace change. It would be fantastic if the writer would focus on more modern day issues rather than how things were in the seventies.   

Time to dine

Tonight was a good night to catch up with some friends that I haven’t seen in a while. Usually on a Friday night I just come home, jump straight in the shower then bung a pizza in the oven so that I’m ready for whatever beery adventure that fate decides to dish out to me; whether it’s to jump into a taxi; stretch my legs over to a rendezvous point; or be prepared to catch the next bus or train to wherever the flavour of the evening may be. And as I arrived home I began thinking about maybe having a burger tonight; but realised that there would be no-one to accompany me.  I’m then informed that due to a logistical error; we are in fact out of pizza and that I would have to think of something more complicated to accompany my dinner this night. Fortunately my friends saved the day; as they were in town at just the right time for me to join them for dinner. Result!

Your request is currently being Processes, Sir.

So today I come back from a day off to press on with my work. I know I have to dedicate at least 3 hours of the day to assisting customers. There is a great pile of curtain poles that need tidying and counting from the night before. There are damaged items that need to be sorted through and sent away. My bench is full of paperwork. There are empty boxes and paperwork everywhere that needs filing. And I also know that I'm supposed to have a meeting about my performance today. I have no assistants as they are all needed to focus on customers. I am supposed to spend downtime on updating diaries and have meetings with managers while investigating standards of processes. And somehow I'm supposed to get all this done with less than forty hours a week? I wish people would start listening to us and support our team with more resources to investigate these processes. Right now, I need out.

Silly about Syria?

So the nation is deciding once again whether or not we should go to war. In one way, it’s a good thing. Prior to the conflict on Syria, the Home Office was making thousands of soldiers redundant in an effort to save money. Of course, thousands of people will take to the streets to demonstrate that war is bad, and that soldiers are better off saving kittens and waving flags. But some say that the cost of the war outweighs the benefits in the first place. Why go to war to help another country? The answer is not because we are nice (and are trying to make up for damage from the British Empire). Just like Iraq, it’s all about the oil. And as a country that mainly has to import our energy supplies; let’s hope that we can capture some this time to make petroleum a decent price again and that other costs can come down.

Well, that's just grand!

Today is a monumental occasion in the world of blogging, for I have reached over one thousand views! When I first started out on this blog, it was to be a journey of improvement. And that hasn't changed, with the odd piece of creative writing or food for thought on current events. As well as running this blog I also volunteer for the Campaign for Real Ale, and the odd post will come through about what beers I’ve tried recently and exciting places that I've visited (but not just pubs, as you shall see!). It is quite difficult to maintain a blog; especially when you try to update it every day with a new topic or what happened the day before. When I look at other blogs it’s usually about how many people the missionaries have converted; or what that the Miller family have been doing. I wouldn't mind some regular comments or followers though!

Hanging out with the birds

If there's one animal that I wish that I could have a conversation with; it'd be a bird. Forget the interview with an anteater and what makes a rhinoceros tick; it's the birds that go to the interesting places. All that freedom to go wherever they want without limitation; and with free hotel accomodation too. Birds can nest just about anywhere; whether it's high up in a window outside a castle,  or in next door's bird box where they can keep an eye on where the cat is and nick the home-grown veg when he's not looking. I'd love to hear of the places they've been to; their favourite nesting spots and the cars that they've pooped on. Of course; millions have probably been spent on anti-nesting devices such as nets, spikes and poisons just to try and keep these birds out of public areas. But until we stop leaving every last morsel of food for them; they'll always find a way to survive and get up to mischief.

Welcome to the Seven Stars!

Welcome, whoever you are! I'm pleased to report that one of my favourite pubs is back. The Seven Stars in Headless Cross has finally re-opened its doors after nearly six months of closure. The news got around fast, as nearly all of the ex-locals came in with a smile on their face to celebrate (including the previous landlady, who was forced out because of high rent increases from the pub company). The Seven Stars is a proper community pub. It doesn't sell food; it rarely has entertainment but it does has great banter; it’s a true and friendly community locals pub. We've been drinking there most Sundays ever since we became of legal drinking age.  We now hope that we can persuade the pub company that the pub is financially viable so that they will find someone to take on the lease permanently; and not just have someone in  who owes the pub company a favour. Please show your support for the Stars!

Beers in Bewdley

So yesterday we decided to have a little beer adventure to the town of Bewdley. I've been there before but usually had to drive so I was only allowed the odd half. So yesterday was to be the epic adventure. Because we decided that we'd probably miss the last bus back to Kidderminster; we decided to venture out by train; it would be cheaper and we would only lose 20 minutes. So after heading into Birmingham and back out into the shire, there was time for a very swift half at the Swan in Kidderminster before jumping onto our last bus. After nearly three hours of travelling; we had arrived! And what an arrival it was. We had to shell out £6 for entry which included a paper programme and a glass from a surly old woman. The whole bar seemed to be ran by just the one person; and there was no atmosphere at all. Once we'd we fulfilled our beer ticker fetish, we decided to move onto Bewdley's selection of pubs. First stop was St. George's Hotel for Wetherspoons, but the pub was extremely busy serving meals so we pressed onto the Little Packhorse. This was a fantastic little boozer that served meals as well as being a local boozer. There were lots of novelty mementos for days gone by as well as a collection of articles from other pubs. And a very attractive bar lady too. From there we ventured to the Woodcolliers where an overworked landlord struggled to serve us with a smile but we still had a decent beer.

Then over to the Mug House where a selection of the usual awaited us, but there was a great view over the river Severn. A trek back to the bus stop was our next venture in order to call in the Waggon & Horses; unfortunately our planned bus failed to materialise. A quick jump onto the next one got us moving again but this meant that we only had 5 minutes to enjoy our Batham’s before awaiting our final bus back to Kidderminster.

Hunting for a theme

Many people say they’re not theme park people. They say that the idea of standing in line for an hour just to be hurtled round the universe at break-neck speeds doesn't appeal to them. And to them I say; go when it’s quieter. There are times of the year when you can go on a weekday while most people are at work or school and practically not have to queue at all. It’s cheaper too. A friend of mine recently confessed that he wasn't a theme park person and; after dragging him to his local roller coaster centre; he absolutely loved it. We could not get him off the pirate ship and we must have ridden it four or five times in the last half hour. Meanwhile, I prefer the larger coasters, but only if I can get a comfortable ride. Going upside down is great fun; but being shaken like a jack in a box at over seventy miles per hour is not.

Bottom of the Peaks

I've always heard people talk about the hidden gem of the Peak District. Even though there are no monumental mountains to climb; it’s always portrayed as a beautiful place to visit and there is lots to do; alongside great countryside pubs as well. A friend and I decided to pop up the road for a snifter and it didn’t disappoint. Although it was much further up the road than we anticipated; as once as crossed the border into the National Park; we were surrounded by mountains, hills and fields. We started our adventure at Ilam Park, a National Trust site in the South Peaks. This Victorian manor was once a hotel but is now a visitor centre to explore the area. The village of Ilam is small and picturesque, with a large river running alongside the village. From here you can do many walks such as exploring the Doverdale stepping stones or climb up Thorpe hill. We relaxed by the river for a while and mingled with the local wildlife before pushing onto Buxton, a small town with a cavern of caves to visit. It’s well worth a look just to learn the difference between stalagmite and stalactites  (stalagmite has an M in it!).

Let's go do the Hop

On a Great British Summer Saturday, we ventured out into the great outdoors to learn about one of our nation’s greatest plants; the humble Worcestershire hop. Hops are an essential ingredient for beer as they contain much of the flavour need to release floral and citrusy aftertastes in our favourite pints. Just outside Knightwick lies the hamlet of Sudbury, a small farm with a plantation of over one hundred acres of hop vines. More than half of England’s hops are grown in the West Midlands, which typically go on to produce around 50 million pints annually. The hops are typically harvested in late August/early September, and go onto brewers such as Endeavour, Golden Sovereign and Endeavour and grown here, which go on to Fullers, Marstons, St. Austell and Wye Valley, as well as a variety of hop merchants. The hops are typically removed from the hop vines from a large tractor-like vehicle called Bruff. They’re then dried to remove any excess moisture before being baled and ready for shipping to the brewers. So next time you’re raising a glass, spare a thought for the Great British Hop.

Talk about a slow start!

So today was a failed mission to get to Swindon. It was the grand day to examine my performance diary to see how I am progressing in my role. After failing to finish it last night, I tried again this morning in place of going swimming. After a bit of inspiration from a cup of tea. things did start to move but so did the clock. My new plan was hit the road and grab some gas; then full speed ahead to Swindon to visit the McDonalds next door with another attempt of finishing the darn thing. A sneaky shortcut saw me filling up on time and I managed to hit the motorway only a minute behind schedule; but then heavy traffic came about just before Ross on Wye. After a bit of wheel dodging it looked like I would have fifteen minutes to grab a coffee and a bagel. But despite this my fourth trip to Swindon, I always seem to find a new road to explore just outside the city. Luckily this one was only a couple of miles out  but it still ate up time. Then upon arrival in the city I found that my usual car park was closed and and drive round the block to find another one. Luckily, this one was a third cheaper and I could pay by phone providing that I knew where I was. After playing hunt the thimble on the Internet I did indeed discover where I was and managed to park my car electronically; however this meant I only had ten minutes before the meeting actually started which actually meant no breakie at all. The solution: start doing things earlier!!!

It's a fair cop Guv

So we have two British girls in the news for trying to smuggle over 1 million pounds of cocaine  into Peru. Somehow they thought that our Persian friends wouldn't be able to tell the difference between illegal drugs and packets of instant soup. I suppose that, geographically; Peru is hot; ergo they don't drink soup; ergo they wouldn't think twice about someone else importing packeted foods. But of course the towelheads saw right through their reasoning and asked why you would need this amount of soup anyway. Naturally everyone thinks this is outrageous as they were only nineteen years old and were supposed to be having a holiday in Spain. The Beeb has taken a wretched photograph of them standing in the lobby of an airport, and even interviewed a former smuggler to imply that they may not be guilty through peer pressure. But why do these stories get so much hype in the news? Yes, they have been bad. Yes, they are in trouble. But do we really need to know who thinks they're innocent and who does not? We know they're guilty for not having a backbone for saying no in the first place or confessing to customs as soon as they get off the plane. So there's obviously something in it for them for keeping mum rather than to help the customs folk catch gangs like these. So lock em up and be done with them. 

Is is music or karoke?

So yesterday I headed down to the local park as our council was putting on a free music festival. There was a stage with regular performances and local bands from around the town. There were some great people singing their souls out with their own songs about what they see in the world. I particularly liked the 15 year old boy on an acoustic guitar singing about getting wasted and boycotting the media. Some did their own covers which was fine as they did their own stuff in the same set as well. But what put me off the most about the set was the fact that people thought they could sing along to a backing track when they couldn’t. We had a whole adult choir that waded and wailed along in the background to another singer. We had a group of kids who we had to appreciate because they were cute; even though it wasn’t clear who was doing what. And there was a 17 year old girl who thought this was Glastonbury and tried to get everyone moving to songs she sung off the radio. So kudos to the ones that tried and made their own material, but to the singers; please go back to the X Factor. 

Dreaming of next door

A strange but interesting dream last night. I haven't had a dream for some time.  My neighbours living in the next road had decided to open their gardens for a local walkabout; where visitors wander around their property looking at displays and plants to raise money for charity. As I only lived round the corner I knew the people and had seen it all before; therefore my role in these shenanigans was to be tipsy. I didn't go in the houses as I knew all the people; even though some  of my friends from Bromsgrove did. Instead I organised a very large conga line going from pub to pub while taking in their front gardens. At one time we stopped to encourage people to throw bags of sweets at us; though we did throw some of them back. So what does this dream actually mean? Perhaps it's saying that I'm messing about too much and need to press on with other areas of my life. Perhaps I'm in this state because I'm not in a house of my own. Or perhaps it's because last time I did anything with the neighbours I was the sober one. So this time maybe I'll have to wake up and apologise for my antics. Only in reality I won't because oddly, I wasn't even in the pub or even on the sauce last night. So they'll just have to wait until my next dream. 

No frowns at The Crown

Last night I visited the Crown Inn beer festival in Alvechurch. It was a fantastic night out and a brilliant atmosphere. Lots of people were trying real ale and cider; and the staff were very friendly indeed. They even recognised me from last year (hope I wasn't too tipsy then)! Although it was a cloudy night, it wasn't too cold and the moon was out to provide the lighting.  There was a great range of ales and the entertainment was a guy from Bromsgrove on an acoustic guitar who churned out some amazing tunes without drowning out the crowd. Although I started on the weak beers, I quickly worked my way up to the 6.4% Monkey IPA from Artbrew; as I wanted to try the ones that I hadn't tried before first.  My favourite beer was the Hunny Bear from the Cannon Royall Brewery. The only downside was that there was a huge ice bucket alongside the real ciders. We all know that ice is lethal; that's what sunk the titanic. It was a great little festival in a pub car park.  

A battle with the local sheriff

Getting a bit peeved with local restrictions on what I can and can't do. When I can use the bathroom, how much time I'm allowed in the bathroom; what I have to eat, how much room I have for things and what I can watch. I need the bathroom first thing in the morning and someone is there. I come down to make my breakfast and someone is there; I have to move around them and they fuss if I try to make them move. Then there's restrictions on what I can watch and when; and where I can find my things (so long as they're not broken). The obvious solution is to move out; but then I would need a greater income to afford my own lifestyle. And finding a new job is very difficult when you haven't got the time to look for it. So it's back battling with my old enemy; Time Management. 

Every minute counts

Time. It’s something that we have no control over. Even when you think a small job will only take ten minutes; it will be sure to take you fifteen. I had a new clock in my room last year; and to try to make myself ready for events and to add a little breathing space; I put it forward by six minutes so that that I could keep ahead of my schedule.  Yesterday, I mildly realised that it could be as close as only two minutes in front. Last night I found out that it was actually behind by about five minutes. And this morning I completely forgot and thought I was right on time. However, tonight I discovered I was behind by a whole twenty –five minutes. Luckily, I didn’t need to be anywhere. But our perception of time is poor. All the philosophers advise us not to waste it, not to rely on it; but to make every minute count. Otherwise you will be constantly adjusting that dial.

What the Holy have achieved

Despite people arguing religion and God and whether one exists; no-one can doubt the amount of effort that goes into building a cathedral. These monumental structures reach into the sky as a sign of devotion to the commitment of their faith. Inside, there’s plenty of history to see; whether it’s the tomb of families gone by; or the shrine of a saint; however artificial or plastic the refurbishment has become. The architecture inside is a document of the faith of the people and what Christianity means for them. Beneath the arches and corridors are the archives of the people and what they have done for the local community, whether they were a builder, doctor, clergyman or soldier. For me, it’s a sense of achievement as to what people can achieve. If man can build such a beautiful building with tools from over five hundred years ago; just think what else we can do today.

The Beeb haven't cracked it at all.

So the BBC has launched a new exciting TV show called Crack The Safe or something to that effect. It’s hosted by some permed personality who usually does crappy television programmes about how people should redecorate (badly) their home. So I came home from work; I was tired, I’d had my tea and watched the last fifteen minutes. And at first it actually seemed interesting; the contestants had to guess when the opportunity was to open the safe; and also at the same time. They had a four second window of opportunity to open four locks; and had to press their buttons at the appropriate moment.  And then the results were in. Each contestant had to wait to see what the other had done at what time. And oddly, rather than actually telling us who had pressed their button when; someone had decided to review each second of opportunity to tell us if they had did it or not. Each agonising result was emphasised by a long beep which dropped its octaves by a chorus of ’Ohhh’ from the audience. Honestly, I think I would rather watch a football commentator discussing wet paint. 

King of the Castle

I've always admired the traditional castle, those great monoliths which are designed to keep out invaders (mostly the French). Whether it's an old fort with ruins or a heritage site which preserves a perfect monument; there's always something great about what man has achieved to accomplish such a structure. Giant keeps with huge dungeons to lock up their enemies and torture them in the darkest day. Passageways and towers to protect the finer occupants of the castle. And a great view all round; whether it's to admire the peasants of the land or to scout out a prospective invading army. And the best part of all is that they're now open for everyone to admire. I would quite like a coffee table book full of castles so that I can tick them off as I visit them. 

Rest in peace Mr. Crab

It's amazing what gets washed up alongside the beach. Seaweed. Crabs. Bits of boats. It makes you think where it all comes from. How it came to be from the pinnacle of life to being rubbish on the beach. Sometimes (if you're very lucky) you'll find a message in a bottle that tells you. But usually it's left to the imagination. I like to think that Mr. Crab had a good innings swimming in the sea and playing at fencing with other crabs; possibly cheered on by a crowd full of oysters and starfish in a gladiatorial arena. Perhaps this crab was  valiantly defeated. Perhaps he upgraded his armour and cast his old shell out. Or maybe he's had a happy time exploring beaches of the world; ogling beach babes; ruining their game of beach volleyball with his claws and hitching rides with dolphins. Or is that lobsters? Must find out what the difference is. But for now, rest in peace Mr. Crab. 

Up and over

And so, despite being the top dog on local decisions; someone has yet again decided to go over my head. I only filled this person in as a matter of courtesy as they have raised the matter. I did my part in escalating the matter; and, though I didn’t achieve the outcome that we wanted; I was able to arrange an approach that we should take up regarding our position. However, despite agreeing with this action; this was apparently not good enough; and that someone has gone further into escalating the matter with the opponent. So why ask me to get involved in the first place? Clearly I’m just a middleman here who has no power and is only required to fulfil a role as a human shield. And each attack around the shield means that it will just crumble away. But with the shields down, the bigwigs have no-one to hide behind in the first place.

My inner compass is solar powered.

So tonight I had to do something I wasn't supposed to do in order to fulfil obligations. It involved a long trip halfway across the county; and the conditions weren't great given the weather. There was even a thunder and lightning storm along the way. It was good going leaving the first stop but as it was dark; my route was somehow mixed up along the way. After a circular detour I successfully arrived at the second stop; and the event was in full swing. The people there were a lot more friendly; but leave them I had to. And a hard leave it was. Once I had successfully navigated my way through the passage I was yet again in the dark. Following my instincts; I attempted to go back the way I came; but came out on a completely different path. When dark sets in; my inner compass just switches off. Must be solar powered. 

Laughing in the USA

I sometimes find these American TV comedies very annoying; especially when they venture out of the sitcom and have personal arguments with each other. Take Everybody Loves Raymond. Are they really that whiny? What is so funny about them arguing all the time about events that we don’t actually witness? It’s all to do with self-centred people that blow their personal ideals out of proportion and aren’t prepared to share with each other.  And how about Will & Grace? What’s so funny about a highly strung gay man with an extra camp friend and a high-pitched millionaire with an extra annoying voice? I never get the actual plot with this show; they seem to just laze around until an event turns up and don’t actually do anything in the meantime except make jokes about sexuality. Are these people that lazy and that stupid and stubborn that they can’t work it out? 

From our business to yours

If you had an opportunity to promote your business for free; would you take it? No strings attached; the promoters would even buy your products; and your name gets out there in the public domain together with a sample of your goods to try? Sounds like a dream. And yet there are people out there that blatantly ignore this opportunity despite complaining about previous opportunities. And when the promoters try to respond to the complaint and fix the opportunity to lessen the damage; the business doesn’t show up. Sure; it’s a funny way to do business but surely the business knows best what with them making the profit for themselves. So the promoters now decide to ignore the business. They’re no longer prepared to promote the business and buy their goods from them. And should the business want to use the promoters again; it’s now up to the business to repair the bridge. Can you blame them?

Beware of the Botanist

On my trip to Pembrokeshire, we decided to take in a guided nature walk by the sea. We arrived a little early, and went down to the beach for a walk while we waited. Along the shore we saw loads of crabs and jellyfish all washed up on the shore. ‘This is going to be great’ I thought. ‘All this coastline and a guided walk; we’re bound to get some good views from the cliff tops’. So we met our guide and off we went around the corner…and stopped. For here, in the middle of the sand dune, was a plant. ‘A very nice plant, named because it only flowers at this angle, and the latin name is…’ Fifteen minutes later, we had walked the grand total of thirty yards, and got passed several bits of grass to smell at along the way. A great crow stared at us as we stared at the ground admiring a green stick coming out of the ground with a pink blob on the top. We climbed a hill to stare at bushes with a magnifying glass at the top (my first instinct was to see whose hat or neck could I burn). In all, it probably took us ninety minutes to walk a mile; all of which we could have discovered ourselves. So beware of the botanist.  

Being cold to cold calls

I've been getting a lot of cold calls lately. Usually it's someone who asks if they can sue somebody on my behalf; either because someone slipped up or accidentally didn't write the terms and conditions properly. Occasionally it's to ask if I have any stocks or shares. I'm sorry, but I'm not going to discuss my personal details over the phone with someone I don't know; especially if they require all my account numbers, my mother's maiden name and the name of my first pet. I wouldn't remember the name of my first pet anyway. But what annoys me is that they have all this information about you then require you to undertake a gigantic survey while filling you in on why they're doing it. The last guy who called me didn't even do that; so I just put the phone down halfway through his pitch. But what annoys me the most is that they always call at an inconvenient time without bothering to tell you what they're calling for. And if they waste my time; I really can't be bothered to listen to you. 

First cats,now pigeons...

Pigeons are getting more suicidal. In the summer months; I've had to brake, swerve or use my horn just to spare their lives. They just stand there as if they're in a drunken stupor;  not realising that a 4 ton car coming towards them at 30 mph can actually have an effect on them. They seem fatter too. When they actually shift themselves; it takes a real effort for them to get any kind of lift and you can actually see that they're struggling to even get off the ground. The body just wobbles, and you wonder if they're actually going to make it. Usually they do, but it's a real shock when they do go thud and hit your windscreen when they haven't quite grasped the situation in time. So it’s a win win situation. Pigeons get to feed off our litter and fatten themselves at the same time; while we as disposing of their rubbish are contributing to their demise.

Scuba vision

Swimming underwater can be quite hard. I mean, aside from the oxygen thing, you also need to see where you’re going. It’s hard enough in a public pool when you've got something in front of you. How far away is the wall of the pool? Is that something coming towards you? Are you going to crash? You’d better resurface to see. With a scuba mask it’s crystal clear, but you need it airtight in order for the damn thing to work. Not that you’d see anything interesting in your local pool anyway – in fact you’re more likely to get a telling off for being a peeping tom. But in the sea it’s different. First of all; the water’s usually freezing anyway. Secondly, if you can brave it enough with a scuba mask; you then need a lot of equipment to avoid scratched feet and oxygen starvation. But if you get all three combined together, it must be amazing.

Is it worth the wait?

So we have a new baby boy to worship. Our proposed future future queen has given birth to a healthy baby boy, after being smuggled through the back of a hospital. Naturally, the world’s press have been camping outside the hospital for the whole day, anxious to hear the news and possibly get a glimpse of the little darling. But why the whole day? Why is it so important to keep everyone waiting the whole day? We don’t know what time the baby was born, or even if the baby was born. Has anyone seen him? Perhaps he wasn’t born at all, and there’s a conspiracy afoot to build a lifelike sleeping plastic doll. Or perhaps we’ll never see him. Perhaps the royals will finally take their revenge on the paparazzi and leave  the hospital in a gunship helicopter; never to be seen again. But all we have is a piece of paper on an easel outside Buckingham Palace.