Brexercise #devilsdaughter9

Amazingly, the cleavage was only going to get bigger. As Lucinda ate, her dressed began to get more and more strained.

‘I don’t think that dress can keep up with those pancakes’ said Luke. I have an idea’. He quickly popped downstairs to the basement, where he found a rather underused and deserted gym. Spying two shiny blue gym balls in the corner, he got to work deflating them with a pen, then used the nib to tear a large hole in each one. Then he popped back upstairs to the breakfast room.

‘Here’ he said, handing Lucinda the deflated remains of the gym balls. ‘You can use these to make a quick makeshift bra. They’re even designer’.

‘But I can’t be seen like this.’

‘Think of it as a sports bra. We’ll have to take you shopping to find something that fits if you ever finish your breakfast.

‘Thank you sweetie’.

Secret Santa

Usually I struggle with the seasonal gift in the workplace. I’ve had some very unusual gifts too. But this year I knew exactly what my recipient wanted. Upon my return from volunteering at the local beer festival, I’ve managed to score a few free samples of chilli chocolate which I’ve handed out at work. My good lady especially liked these; but it’s got hotter over the last two years and he hasn’t been able to attend because he’s afraid of his chocolate melting. I set out for the last beer festival of the year in the West Midlands; but I was disappointed as he wasn’t there. The only thing that I could to was try his mail order service. Luckily, he had a special offer on because of the Black Friday weekend; so I snapped up five packs for £10. They arrived within the week. All I had to do was put them in an old box of Christmas cards and wrap them up for a lovely kiss on the cheek when she saw me next.

Any Chance of a Lift? #dreamdiary82

I’m trying to get to the airport. It’s all done by tram nowadays. The trouble is that there’s so many trams that you can’t get near the entrance. I’ve been dropped off by car and I must walk in amongst the tracks. Suddenly, a great purple tram approaches me. The driver sees me, cuts right straight over the adjacent track and onto the grass verge to avoid hitting me. Miffed, I carry on down the track to the airport entrance, pulling my suitcase alongside me. I now need to check in. I find out where I need to go and follow the signs to the escalator upstairs. Just as I’m about to board the escalator, an attendant pulls a queue cord across the entrance to stop me boarding. I glance up the escalator to see other people coming down. I back away and look at the adjacent stairs. All I can see is a shiny white marble slope raised up alongside the escalator with a thick purple pink line down the centre. I turn to the attendant (who still hasn’t removed the barrier to allow the people coming down the escalator to get off) and say, ‘Any chance of a lift?’

Caught on Camera

Once again, another of our civil liberties has been breached in the workplace. It’s odd since the public aren’t allowed to record on the premises without our permission. Yet our rights seem to be misplaced when we have our images photographed in the workplace of us in action. I seem to recall that there’s no prominent notice stating that our image will be recorded when on the premises either. We seem to be approaching a free-for-all situation. All it will take is one independent customer to create that spark; because if we’re recording customers then customers will want to either record us or have the right to a copy of their recording. But at the end of the day; we only get our rights when we stand up for them, and if we must make up a ruckus to get them then so be it. Otherwise the system will try to crush us as much as possible.

Home time on the Turn

At first glance you might think that oil has washed over some unsuspecting creature. As you approach, the creature remains still. Is it in shock? Is it fear? Or is it the animal instinct to keep still in the hope that you don’t notice it; to blend in with the background and to flee or attack at the last possible moment to keep the element of surprise? Or is it even alive? But once you’ve crossed the ten-foot line; your eyes take over from your imagination and you realise it’s a humble rock. It’s the different colours and a trick of the light that throws you; as the sun reflects of its wetter parts; humbly suggesting that it’s a glossy coat. Then there’s the water that ripples around the rocks which enticingly suggests that it is moving rather than the liquid around it. Never mind, there’s another one further ahead in the distance…

Agonising Annie

I love this old gal. She’s a rollercoaster. On the one side; she’s a lovely old dear who’s loud; mainly because she’s hard of hearing. She supports the work that you do and is prepared to support it; simply with the notion of making you a cup of tea as soon as she walks through the doors. But on the other side she’s as thick as thieves. She really struggles with any type of technology; which is amazing since she works in a shop where half its products involve tech. She’s also one of the gossipers. She’ll stay routed to the spot unless she’s told otherwise while others dash around to do their duty. She’s also got a daughter who occasionally brings her daughter into the shop and everything must stop while they become the centre of attention. That means that other people must cover these roles as well as their own.

As an American visiting Europe, can I bring my gun along?

Are you serious? In this day and age where even a mobile power pack must be scrutinised; why did you ever think you’d be allowed to take a weapon on a plane? There are scanners; there’s X-Ray machines and haven’t you heard of plane hijacking? Even if you have the right paperwork; what’s to stop some other trigger-happy person to discover your weapon and attempt to use it? And if you’re lucky enough to own a plane or boat; you’d be very unwelcome should you happen to be spotted with it. The rest of us must forego some rights when travelling; so why should you be the exception? Why do you feel that you need one in a society where most people can cope without one? If you can’t sacrifice one little liberty to experience other cultures and trust in other people then my advice to you is to stay in that little cocoon of yours.

The Barrel Olympics

The ancient art of barrel rolling is little known nowadays. It’s only handled by a chosen and trusted few of the hostellers; partly because of its value but mostly for safety. But imagine an event where you’re required to have hundreds of the things. Could you organise a race and make it into an event? Could there be a track with obstacles like pits to avoid or bollards to dodge? Could people bet on the outcome? You could even offer to wash the barrel out for the brewer; it’s a task that needs to be done anyway; though it may bump up the water bill a bit. That way you could have both adult and child competitions with both full and empty casks. Of course, you’ve got to be sure that the brewer will be OK with this; and you’ll have to accept liability for any damage done to product or person. But it’ll be an interesting method to get more people volunteering. Just don’t tell the safety elf.

'To be successful, you have to have your heart in your business and your business in your heart.'

-Thomas Watson Jr.

If you don’t love what you do, you’re not going to go far with it. You’ll see it through to the end, but only to the means that you’re required. There’ll be no passion in what you do; and your sole aim is to assist your fellow man in their requirements. But if you’ve got passion, then you’ve got the opportunity to show it in your actions; whether it’s having a chat with a customer after their transaction to prove that they’re not just a piece of meat but you actually appreciate what they’re doing for you, and in turn they’ll feel looked after and will be happy to give you their business again. But you can’t stop there. You’ve got to look for opportunities to grow your sales as well, and grab every chance. And if you don’t like it; just stick at it until you find something that does grab your passion.

Bromsgrove Beer & Cider Festival 2018

This year I was helping to volunteer on the membership stand. It’s one of the easiest jobs of the campaign if you’ve got the gift of the gab. But you must know your facts and figures and be confident about what’s involved. You also need to be clear upon what you’re offering in advance. And you also need to stand by your guns when a regional officer tries to supersede what you’ve already agreed upon; especially if they’re dressed up in traditional military uniform. An organised system suddenly becomes chaotic and then you’re in the middle of two systems. The worst bit was when you’re offering people supposedly faster entry into the festival if you join the campaign; people would be halfway through joining before realising that their friends are already in and you’re buried in paperwork. It needs to be clearer that it’s cheaper entry but not necessarily faster.

Gab of the Grateful

Where do the homeless go when everything else is closed? Well, amazingly, not everywhere is. You can always find somewhere warm to go to and find people to tolerate you so long as you don’t interfere with their operation. They may even treat you to a little goodwill tipple if they’re in the right mood. Of course, there’s the danger of overstaying your welcome in the hope and you’ll get offered even more. You shouldn’t part on bad terms but you want to make the moment last as long as possible. So you end up grinning like a maniac while edging towards the door then spring back as soon as you’ve thought of an excuse to open a new conversation. That way, it tries to look like you’re not setting up camp for the day. You’ve also got to have the gift of the gab to keep your hoteliers in a good mood so as not to churn you out.

Trucker Spotting

Some people spot trains, some people spot buses. And then there’s trucks. Specifically, the Stobart Spotters. They used to gather outside a distribution centre a few miles outside of my town before they closed it down. They’d stand at the gates and watch the trucks enter and leave. I never saw the fascination in it myself. Fast forward a few years and my company is using them to pull our trailers to and from our stores. Lo and behold; it attracted a few trucker spotters. Not many, but a few would come round and ask the driver if they could take pictures. I happened to know one of them, who told me that they could track the vehicles with just the registration number. It would be great if we could do that rather than having to rely on our despatch team. His wife was a former administrator of the company and they named a cab after her upon her retirement. What a way to be remembered.

Shocking

My brother’s a builder. It’s only natural that he breaks things as well as creating them; and accidents will happen however careful he is. He once managed to crack his phone and went through a grand saga to get it repaired. He took into a man on the market who did it for him within the hour. But when he came to collect it, he couldn’t get the phone unlocked. An Apple ID reset failed and a restoration from a back-up didn’t work either. The phone’s serial number didn’t seem to match up to the IMEI. In the end my brother went to the original retailer who had the full details of his phone; and it turned out that the repair agent had given him the wrong one. So in an attempt to stop this hassle from occurring again; I bought him a shockproof case as a Christmas gift. Yet not once have I seen the phone inside the case. Shocking.

Silks Whacker Payne at Alestones, Tardebigge

What a lovely surprise to find this beer. It’s so far away from its home. Yet it just goes to show the lengths that dedicated licensees are willing to go to in order to procure something different for their customers. It’s a brewery that I’d have never otherwise had heard of; and it’ll probably cease brewing before I get the chance to visit the area and seek out other beers from the same establishment. And since he’s the one that organised it; he can decide what to charge. It might seem like a steep price, but he’s got to consider how much it costs to transport the barrel. That’s a side that many people take for granted; especially if there’s little else being transported on the same vehicle. Other licensees can take up deals, but only because their wholesaler buys in bulk. And that’s another middleman for them to pay. What a pain.

Who gets my Vote

It’s decision time once again and I’ve got no idea who to vote for. Our local conservative is very professional and she works hard to protect and secure the resources of our town; but it’s the party that she represents that I just don’t trust. Both May and Johnson have missed their Brexit deadlines; and the latter made it worse by attempting to shut down the right of democracy including his own supposed supporting members. There’s plenty of coverage as to what the big parties are planning for this election; but there’s hardly anything received on a local level. The town’s newspaper only seems to exist in electronic form now and I’m amazed that we haven’t had any doorbells ring or literature posted through the door. The Greens have made it very clear what their focus is but there’s no information on their website as to what they’ll be doing in our town if they get their way. And the Liberal Democrats seems to be non-existent. The other local girl is a school teacher running for Labour; which I’m a bit surprised at as I thought that their previous candidate stood a fair chance. But this newbie hasn’t got much to say and her manifesto seems to be about photoshoots and undoing the hard work that our current MP has achieved. So at the moment it looks as if I’m going to go with the status quo and hopefully we can add some dynamite to her current campaign.

The Wine List

Choosing a wine can be a bit of a problem when you don’t know when you’re looking for. But if you come across one that you really like; you’re bound to want to have it again. That’s why it’s best to remember the name; not just the style but the name of it too. That way, we can give it a whirl the next time we fancy something different. The trouble is that we’ve narrowed it down to three but we still don’t know which one. I’m guessing that it’s the one next to the fingernails; though that could just be a coincidence because of the way that she’s holding the menu. On second thoughts; it’s less likely to be the bottom one since it’s sold by the glass rather than the bottle. You can never be too certain though. Best head to the supermarket to sample each one to be sure…

A bit of bother in the Breakfast Room #devilsdaughter 8

Breakfast was an interesting affair. Once Luke had managed to get his room key reactivated; he didn’t want to go through the hassle of bothering room service to get breakfast delivered; and Lucinda was already up anyway. As they headed down in the elevator, their lift made many stops; none of which were entered upon as Lucinda took up half the space in the elevator. He didn’t know whether to be admired for being with such a lady or outraged with her morning attire and inconvenience to the other guests. The waiter had decided to seat them next to the window in an attempt to attract as little attention as possible but Lucinda’s outline cast a large shadow across the centre of the room. The next problem was seating Lucinda herself; who had to take up a place for two people and a chair for each cheek. Luke practically ate in shadow as he was underneath a canopy of cleavage.  

Daft Old Bats

What a lot of people don’t realise is that when the elderly don’t get their way, they tend to act like children. They raise their voice and they never stop complaining. They’ll go off in a huff. There never seems to be enough patience and they get frustrated because of this. After the complaint, they’ll make it their mission to tell as many people as possible and discuss how it could have been improved. Of course, what this will achieve will be very little other than bring it to the attention of others to their annoyance. They don’t seem to understand that sometimes things do go wrong and it’s not necessarily in the control of the person that they’re complaining to. Then they’ll immediately want compensation or they’ll start making threats that they’ll boycott the place; not that you’ll want to see them again anyway. It’ll never be a positive outcome.

Passing the Pen

I was involved with Pint Taken for some time before my editorship as I often wrote articles about CAMRA’s recent events, and I also help to distribute the magazine. I know that readers love flicking pages for inspiration on new places to visit and beers to sup (I hope you do too!), and I thought that it would be a shame for the publication to cease to exist. And so, on a cold winter’s night Charlie Ayres passed his pen onto me.

My favourite part of being editor was to be one of the first people to hear about the newest venues and of course it gave me a great excuse to visit them! My first front page featured a beautiful picture of the Black Star in Stourport-on-Severn. I remember tiptoeing anxiously around the buildings on the opposite side of the River Stour to capture that perfect shot; having no idea if I was on public property or whether I was trespassing. But it was all worth it as a few weeks later I ripped open a box and I was holding my first edited copy. I carried on to produce another nine issues before passing the pen to Andy Checketts.

Hanging by a Thread

One of my homemaking tasks was to get a picture hung. We’d bought a frame and I’d got the picture printed after deciding on the size (the lady in the shop thought that everyone looked beautiful). I’d even got the picture positioned perfectly within the mount. All I needed was a simple piece of fishing line. That would be strong enough to support the picture and hang onto the nail without the need for any additional holes or hammering. But Mum had given all of my Dad’s fishing stuff away to my cousin; including my travel rod. Fortunately I’ve got friends who are more resourceful; so I borrowed some line to get the job done. I sent a photo of the finished product but it didn’t meet instant approval. I’m guessing it was because that they wanted to see how long it would take to fall. It’s been eighteen months so far but it is showing signs of a strain.

Slay the Zombies

One of the things that I don’t get on Twitter is that I’m always receiving e-mails about tweets from people that I’m not following or have no interest in. Today’s culprit involves an Indian bloke in a suit wearing a purple bandana telling me how freedom dies. He’s got a slight resemblance to Steve Carrell. Now I don’t know this bloke, and according to my account no-one else that I know follows him either. He’s only got 1200 followers; yet he’s sent nearly 45,000 tweets in over eleven years. That’s over ten tweets a day. So I’m assuming that he’s one of the highest tweeters, which is why I’m having his feed e-mailed to me. A lot of his content seems to be re-tweets; occasionally with an opinion. I’m only fluent in half of the context that he’s referring to since it’s Indian politics; not that I’m disagreeing with him. And it’s great that it’s in English so that outsiders can get an insight too. I suppose it’s a way of seeing content that you might otherwise have missed. His re-tweet of Donald Trump as Thanos is terrifying.

Why is the Sky Blue?

It’s an innocent question that children have put to their parents for centuries. We don’t necessarily want a scientific explanation. We just want to know why. Thankfully, there’s a simple answer which took a long time to work out before the answer became readily available on Google. So is it because more than seventy per cent of our planet is water and it’s the light hitting the sea and reflecting back into the atmosphere? Or is it to do with the light entering our atmosphere? After all, it may not be blue in the future once global warming has had its way. Once we’ve got more gases and particles in the air; it might be purple. And it’s not blue all the time. It also tends to be white when we experience large clouds. But could you imagine the sky to be green? Perhaps only if you’re standing underneath a clump of trees. But if you try to picture a cityscape with a green background, you may well find it nigh impossible. I get a vision of a green screen that film editors use to create special effects. I suppose the only way is to photoshop a picture and find out. You could argue that it’s because green isn’t a natural colour as it isn’t primary; but I always argue against this because of the natural colour of grass. And because of this, some people may just argue that the sky was blue because that was the cheapest colour in the store…

What's the best and quickest way to find a Job?

If you’ve got access to a computer, the quickest way is to visit a job search website. If you can’t think of one, just type job search into a search engine such as Google, and thousands of jobs will appear. If you haven’t got access to a computer, don’t fret. Just pop into your nearest newsagent and purchase a contemporary newspaper. There’s usually a job section towards the back with the classified section before the beginning of the sports pages. Job done. Of course, you haven’t specified how to obtain a job, or what preference would be given to your choice of career. You haven’t asked for advice on what to mention on your application, C.V construction or interview techniques. You’ve just asked how to find a vacancy. You haven’t specified where you’d like your vacancy to be, how far you’d be willing to travel; or salary expectations. So you’ll most likely take up the first vacancy that comes your way just to earn some income; no matter how mundane that field will be. Good luck.

Wake of Shame

How do you react when someone’s asleep in a bar? Obviously it’s an embarrassment to them but you’ve also got to consider their safety? Are they having a nap? Are they resting their eyes? Or is there something generally wrong? If they’ve overdone it, then perhaps it’s best to move them along; especially if they’re on their own and they’re not known, and they’re in a prominent place. After all, you’ve got a reputation to consider. You don’t want to be seen to attract and serve irresponsible drunks or deter future customers. And the last thing that you want is a body on your hands. But how will they handle it? Will they leave without a fuss in embarrassment? Will they finish their drink and be brought back to the living after a chat? Or will they create conflict; annoyed at being disturbed and face the walk of shame to leave?

"When we seek to discover the best in others, we somehow bring out the best in Ourselves"

-William Arthur Ward.

How do you feel after helping someone out? Do they appreciate what you’ve undertaken to assist them? Do they make you feel purposeful? Or are you merely assisting their mundane ignorance? Sharing a new skill will give you a far greater sense of achievement than helping someone to find the scissors as you’re training that person to be more independent. But it’s all about the way that you interact with each other. By demonstrating the method and teaching the understanding; it will actually aid both of you. But you’ve got to get there first. What’s the right way of teaching the method? Then, if your tutee demonstrates understanding and is able to perform the task by themselves next time round; it’s a win-win situation for everyone. But the pupil must be willing to learn too. If they’re asking someone else how to perform the task next time around, it’s a guaranteed indicator of failure.

Boogie Blues

I’ve been asked to attend a dance. I may have been told about it earlier in the week but I didn’t recall and anyway, my ears were blocked. It was only brought to my attention a couple of hours before we were due to depart from the restaurant and I really wasn’t feeling great; what having done a full shift at work and a head of hair that badly needs a trim. But I didn’t want to let the other person down, so I decided to escort them there to take a look. While we waited for her friends to arrive; I had a brief glance at the poster which informed me of an admission fee and what was playing. It definitely wasn’t my cup of tea; and the other attendees didn’t convince me either. I was tempted to stay for another beer but that meant either joining in or taking a stand and sit in the bar on my own. In the end I ended up at home supping a beautiful Baltic Porter and getting a few e-mails out of the way. I had intended to wait up to see that she got home safe but sleep got the better of me.

Box Blues

What’s the point of a modern-day box? The obvious reason is to protect the item within. So if the box has a few dents and scrapes on the outside but the product within has survived then it’s done its job. It’s frustrating when people question the appearance of a box though. Is the item physically going to fit back into the box after every use? If it’s something that you need to assemble then it’s unlikely. If the box is sellotaped then it only exists to enforce it or repair the box during its journey. And it’s even less likely if it’s a toy; especially if features a high percentage of see-through plastic within its contents. I’ve even torn off film surrounding boxes because it suggests that the product is damaged; yet if the customer doesn’t know that the film is present then they’re not likely to question it. It’s a shame really though. I’d like to see more things in boxes than cheap plastic as it’s easier on the environment.

The Wrong Top

People seem to be obsessed with colour. Every shade must look the same; otherwise it comes to be odd. We even do it when we dress. You’d look out of place wearing a black shirt on a hot summer’s day. One of these ladies is wearing the wrong coloured top; or they’ve ordered the wrong-coloured drink. It doesn’t bother them though. Maybe it’s because white blends in while blue stands out. Or perhaps it’s because the red drink goes with the bar’s glowing background. The blue dress also matches the neon lighting while the gold also reflects the light coming from behind the shiny bottles. It’s a picture that just seems to make everything glow (though it might be a bit different during the day). It just goes to show that primary colours can match up to anything; though a single shade of green would doom them all. It would certainly make them both stand out.

Black Bargains

We do love a bargain, and with the promise of doubling the value of my loyalty points if I spent them today, I ventured into the shop before my works shift to have a nosy round. My plan was to get an inkling of gifts for Christmas and perhaps purchase an elaborate advent calendar for Mum. The price for one with continental chocolates was too dear, so I moved onto DVD box sets. None of these seemed a bargain either; but then I spotted the clothes section. There was a coca-cola Christmas jumper that I had my eye on from last year which they’d sold out of my size by the time that I was ready to buy one. Then again, I’d already bought a Christmas jumper for this year. What I did settle for was a smart black woollen cardigan. It didn’t have any pockets but it did look smart. I had to try on a large and a medium before settling on the latter which didn’t look like a cloak over my ass. It’s a shame that it wasn’t in the sale, but I still managed to get it less than half price with my loyalty points. That and a tube of Pringles.

Tasting Panel

When you’re in a touristy area, it’s hard to find your local. For most people, it’s the bar in their hotel that they retire to; or their favourite place close to where their accommodation is. But you’ve still got to find this King of Venues. Until then, you’ve only got your eyes and word of mouth to go on. You’re a tasting ambassador; and one wrong meal could lead to a bad review which would detract many more customers. But on the plus side; you eat with your eyes. You might spot a few things on the menu that may tempt you back to try them. You might want to check out what the other diners are eating. Or you may just have the same again which you enjoyed so much last time. But for a place that you may only stay in for a week of the year; it’s amazing when they recognise you on the following year’s visit.

The Tiger Who Came to Tea

It’s nice to think that the commissioners of this show would really spark some memories of the readers of the book; but they’ve certainly shot themselves in the foot when it came to bring this into the modern era. If the animation was a bit modern then it would be more surreal; but because they’ve honoured the original with animated drawings then it will raise a few tiny thumbs. But who in their right mind lets a stranger on the doorstep in for tea; let alone a giant carnivore? Children are now going to begging their parents to stock a can of tiger food the next time they are shopping; and they’ll be terrified when they’re told that there’s none available (although I suppose the smarter ones could get away with cat food). At least in a similar series that they produced the adults saw sense and ran away from the danger. This family seems to be a set of doormats.

Beached

Life from another world has finally arrived. They’ve dropped scout ships into the atmosphere; and they’ve just skimmed across the sea to the first landmass that they could find. They’ve managed to balance themselves atop three sticks that were conveniently stuck into the beach for a rest. Then daylight broke and ape-like creatures began appearing all over the place. What would be the next best thing to do? Should they beam them up for analysis? They could do that so long as it was discreet so as not to draw attention to themselves. They’re presently not posing a threat. Should they go and explore? But how would the apes react? Would they become hostile? It would be far better to wait until there were fewer of them. But how long will that be? A plan needs to be devised so that we can react to their reactions. Until then, it’s a stand-off.

Second Breakfast Prep #devilsdaughter7

Luke stirred. He felt smaller than usual until he’d realised that the bed that he’d been sleeping on had broke during the night. He’d remember that he’d been locked out and that a luscious lady had invited him to call room service but they’d ended up doing other things. He could hear water running from the bathroom next door. Perhaps he should treat the lady to a few things to say his thanks as they departed. Breakfast and a morning stroll around the shops perhaps. Then Lucinda entered the room and he felt really small.  

‘Oh good, you’re up’ she said. ‘They don’t really make towels in my size so I just end up using the bedsheets.’ The floor creaked as she reached for a corner of the bed. He revelled in the view that was in front of him. Had she gotten even bigger?

Lucinda caught him looking. ‘Would you like to go for another round? I don’t have to check out until twelve.’

Party Animals

It’s a defiance of time. It’s a fight. But you can see the ripples of time behind them as well as on them where the skin begins to sag. But it’s a moment when they say no to the struggle and refuse the facts of ageing. Who knows; they might be re-enacting ventures of old; especially with their outfits. There’s no way of knowing what they’re going to do next. Another boogie, a rest for a drink or simply a stage dive right into the heart of the entertainment. And you never know what those disco lights might bring up. Is it a butterfly, some confetti, a torn napkin or a clothes label? They may suffer for it the day after, or their body may catch up with them any minute and cease right now. But they’re certainly on the move and having a go of it to make it count.

It's rugby but not as you know it #dreamdiary 81

I’ve been asked to sit in as a reserve for a rugby match. It’s the team’s grand league final and I’m told that I probably won’t have to play but they need someone on the bench so that they can qualify. They’re in a low-level league but some of the players have connections to the national team so this match might be televised. I fish out my old thick rugby top and make my way to the changing rooms. They’re deserted apart from bags on the benches and pre-match clothes hanging on the walls. I make my way to the pitch which I assume is on the other side of the hill where the cheering is coming from. There are flowers on this field which are quite bright which must’ve benefited from the adjacent pitch. As I get closer, I notice that the flower is shaped like a prism; it’s practically like a gem that you would collect in a video game. Suddenly, a white rabbit runs straight in front of me and darts between my legs. Then the ground starts to rumble…

Maui (Banks's) Tropical Pale Ale at the Rising Sun, Redditch

It’s nice enough to have a board of beers on display; and it’s especially helpful when the bar is crowded; but it’s even nicer to recognise the beer by its clip. I’m amazed by the lengths that some brewers will go to in order to produce a professional looking pump clip. This one looks like a plain background at first, but as you get closer you can see the embossed palm trees begin to take shape. It’s as if it’s drawing your eyes to a tropical climate. We drink with our eyes so we choose with our eyes and hope that the quality of the beer is reflected in that of the clip. Brewers will do fancy things to dress up their pumps; whether it’s lighting them up with red LEDs for eyes or flashing Rudolphs; or putting miniature Christmas hats on the tops and covering the levers with tinsel. It’s no wonder that some of them are sought after just for their appearance.

New Greene King Initative only does half the job

It’s great news that Greene King is recognising social isolation and is encouraging more people to pop into its pubs. But it’s a difficult task to launch this in the early winter; especially when the cold and dark season is about to get worse. It just provides an excuse not to attend. The trouble with hosting group events is that if you’ve missed the first meeting then you’ll already feel a bit behind. This can put anyone off from being included in an existing group. To be truly effective, you really need to seek volunteers who are willing and able to recognise and tolerate the problems associated with social isolation, and be able to counsel those affected to come out and play. Their Friday night policy may just make things worse as it’s the busiest time for a pub and they may not enjoy mingling with the crowds. Otherwise you’re just inviting singletons to put money into your coffers.

Acorn Darkness at The Rising Sun, Redditch

There’s some right drudgers that work at my local chain pub. It’s clear that they’re only there for the money and not for the experience in the hospitality sector, and I wonder sometimes how they ever passed an interview. There’s a blonde who never smiles but she’s slowly seeing me as a regular. I’m tempted to ask her for a pint and a smile but she’s been known to exercise her right refuse people service if they get too flirty. Then there’s the foreigner who’s also stern but don’t give him a large order or he’ll forget it. Finally, there’s the scrawny duty manager who always looks as if he’s only in it for the money and I wonder what would happen if a situation arose where he had to manage. It’s a shame because there used be some gorgeous barmaids who always smiled and were happy for a chat and a flirt. But to be honest, the main reason that I go there is to try the cheap, differing ales.

Shoud I Stay or Should I go?

You really need to look at the pros and cons of each job. Why do you want to leave your current job? Is it because of low pay; not enough hours; or is it a different career? Is it easier or harder to travel to your new job?  Or maybe it’s because you don’t enjoy the job, your colleagues or your work environment, but you hang in there because it’s a secure one. The problem that your current employer faces is that they must find someone else to replace you; and the fact that they want you to stay shows that they do value your contribution to the team. There’s absolutely no harm in showing your current boss your new deal; providing that you can trust them in confidence. You may want to keep the new employer anonymous so that they don’t have any opportunity to sabotage your job offer. The easiest way to do this is to make a comparative list of the benefits and present this to your current employer. If they’re serious about upgrading your current employment status; get them to put this in writing. Don’t forget that it’s your decision and not theirs.

The Nut Case

Mum’s got herself a brand new suitcase with a combination travel lock. She’s chosen her three-digit code but the only problem is that she’s somehow managed to change the code while the case is open. There’s a switch which you slide to change the combination and she must have knocked one of the dials and the lock at the same time. I managed to reset it the first time it occurred but this time it’s a different dial. Fortunately we had a tiny travel padlock on our person to lock the case, not that it would stop someone if they were desperate. But the new combination still needs to be found and reset. We haven’t been called forward to open the case by the authorities yet; though I suppose there’s nothing to stop a criminal from using either of these methods if they really need to. But on the other hand, a second outside lock is a good way of protecting your case from corrupt transportation staff.

The Day Trip

How many people does it take to change a lightbulb? If it’s a group of students, then it’s four. It takes a special expedition to select a shade which can only be done on a Saturday when they have no lectures. And let’s assume that they’ve all been out the night before so they need the morning to recover. Perhaps it’s a guilty outing to replace something that they’ve broken the night before. Meanwhile, one of them has planned for the day after and has decided to treat them to a Sunday roast. This requires purchasing a potato masher and no other equipment. It then requires one of them to carry this purchase home like a one-armed weapon. It doesn’t occur to any of them that this was an object that they could simply slide into their pockets; unless they were already full of vegetables. I’d hate to think where they stuck the carrots.

The List

It is inevitable that when only half the household is away from the premises for an extended amount of time; the ones that remain must face the dreaded list; usually a list of chores that are expected to be completed before the dominant half returns. Of course, what the dominant half expects is that their usual maintenance tasks will be completed on top of the list; which already increases the workload for those that remain; especially if you’re more dependent of that person. Usually I try to pinpoint the precise point of return and get all the maintenance tasks done in one work burst in the nick of time so that I can spend some of the time as I please. But a rigorous amount of planning is often involved to ensure that the extra tasks are completed, and the key is not to let them build up. If they do build up, I ensure that a good initial hiding place is established with an aim to rectify it later.

We Live for the Moments to Die For

We all need something to look forward to. When we’re going through the daily routine, we must picture that we’re working towards some kind of enjoyment. And those are the days that you can truly forget about the grind. Sometimes when you’ve got something relaxing planned; you don’t appreciate the fun of it all because you’ve got too much on your plate. It’s during these times that you really need to reduce your workload or your mind just won’t veer away from the subject. Do this and you can truly live in the moment with little fear of consequences. Fail, and you know that you need to spend more time sorting things out. So even when you think you’ve got time to kill, just think of those little tasks that could be completed to make your free time so much more enjoyable. Then those moments can be savoured for even longer.

The Annual Attempt

Me and a friend have an ambition to play an 18-hole golf course. Every year we get ready and do some training by having a day at the driving range followed by a quick game of pitch and putt. The next step is to play a full nine-hole course. By this time, it’s August and we’re still pretty shitty and not ready to play a full course. We both work irregular shifts and it’s worse for my mate as he’s a farmer so when the weather’s good he’s called into action however late the hour is. I’m also worried that the local course might finish him off as it’s right in the middle of a valley. What we ideally need is somewhere that’s nice and flat with good accessibility to a golf cart that doesn’t mind a couple of amateurs playing at their own place. Such a place would be hard to come by and might be expensive too, which is why need to up our skill level.

Vouch for your Vouchers

It’s great that companies are offering vouchers for future purchases when you make that big spend. But you must be careful of the terms and conditions. The key one to watch out for is the expiry date. Nowadays, if you buy something that’s less than the voucher, the remainder of the balance usually expires as well. If you’re struggling to find something to spend your voucher on, a wise investment would be to to buy something that’s just over the voucher limit on the very last day. Usually you’ll be covered by the retailer’s equivalent of a guarantee in case you change your mind. That way you can trade the item in for something that you do want. And if you still haven’t made your mind up you can trade your item in for store credit on the last day of the guarantee. You’ll usually find that this credit note will last a lot longer than the term of the voucher.

Hobsons Best Bitter at the Little Lark, Studley

This local’s pub has stood the test of time but seems to have transformed itself lately into a pub for fine dining. The traditional horseshoe bar has been knocked through to form one long bar in the pub’s centre; which has surely lost some patronage space towards the back. The front of the pub still retains its lounge and log fire but cushions have been added to give it a cosy feeling. The tables aren’t set for food, but each place has a menu in the form of a laminated placement. There’s also a blackboard with daily specials. Three real ales adorn the bar in reasonable condition, and a large sign outside proclaims that one of them is “brewery-fresh”; presumably because the brewery itself is two miles down the road. The pub also used to print its own newspaper; and an old printing press together with a selection of amusing headlines forms the décor.

Stath Lets Flats (Series 2)

I can't believe that this bunch of whiners got given a second series. Very little has changed since we left them; and there’s slow development in this one too. It’s still a world where no-one wants to take any responsibility and they all want to live without consequence. The characters are all hopeless and haven’t got much chance when it comes to adapting to change; preferring that the world forgets about them and leaves them alone. They can’t even arrange their own lives so it’s no wonder they’re useless when they try to assist with someone else’s. There’s just no realism. Who calls the landlord to sort the neighbours out? And how can you sit in the middle of a road for four hours without holding anyone up? Are we expected to believe that people are that ignorant? There are also weird and unnecessary moments of emphasis which are annoying rather than humorous. It’s therefore not surprising that they can’t get on with ordinary people. It’s refreshing to see Dean stand up as he refuses to take the shit laid down by everyone else. But the whole thing is just surreal.

Crossed Wires

I’ve always had communication problems with my Uncle. When I speak to him, he seems a kind-hearted intelligent soul; but there are gaps that slip through probably on account of my early hearing problems. I’ve also been a bit too honest in the past which has lowered his opinion of me; probably when I dropped off some gifts and stated that I was only delivering as I was passing anyway with no tact. There was also a hint that we should play golf together. My concern was that my ability was way below his; however I thought that he was contacting me and he thought that the same of me and it never transpired. The only hint that we heard that it may be happening was through our female relatives. However, in later years, I’m not the only one in his family that has been neglected. Concern only seems to occur when we’re out of the country.

Ministress of Justice #empress3

‘Bring forth the next case’ announced a large female voice.

The doors opened once more and the people in front of him finally ventured in. They’d all been waiting for over two hours for The Empress to hear their case, and he was getting a bit weary of having to share a waiting area with a bunch of criminals. His was only a territorial dispute with his neighbour over a paddy field; but the atmosphere was tense. Already there had been three fights and it looked like the intervention from the guards inside the courtroom weren’t putting people off from gearing up for a fourth. With each disruption the guards had simply dragged the offenders away; presumably to a holding area of the city. There they would be dealt with before returning…come to think of it he hadn’t seen any of his fellow civilians exit the court. Perhaps there was a contraflow system in place to avoid congestion in the city.

Grog Glasses

When do you think that you’ve had enough? For me it’s when the world becomes blurry. It’s not just when the booze kicks in; it also happens when I’m tired. But in others you only have to look at their face to see how they’re coping. They may not be ready to admit it themselves; but their big idiotic grinning faces and wonky eyes gives it away. Speech is also a factor especially if it’s slurred; but you must bear in mind that the person may have a disability that causes them to act that way anyway. The same goes for movement. They might grasp their drinks tighter like children as if someone may snatch their treat away from them at any moment. They may be a bit wobbly on their feet especially when music is involved. It’s when the mind is willing but the body can’t cope that situations get interesting.

Back in Time #dreamdiary 80

I’m back at university and I’m studying the history of the word. It’s the first lecture of the semester and everything seems to be a bit of a rush. My professor starts off with a talk about the course then halfway through he decides to test our knowledge and throws in a paper for us to answer. It takes me a while to get into the flow of things as I plan out what I’m going to write, but the professor dashes out the door without a word as soon as the bell rings. As I gather my things, I suddenly realise that the campus is actually my old high school. The next day is a holiday and I get invited to go on a walk with a local student. We catch the train out of town and hike back through the countryside. The day after I’m back on campus and my local friends who aren’t students have asked me to show them around the new campus. We enter via the playing fields and reminisce about our past days. As we pass the old slide, it suddenly occurs to me that the professor didn’t set a date for us to finish the paper, and that I should make haste to finish it before the next lecture.

Making Waves

I find it strange that some people are afraid of going in the sea. If it’s calm then there’s no chance at all of being swept out. I could understand if they can’t swim but if the water is calm then surely they’d dip their toe in for a bit of a paddle. Sometimes dipping your toe in is all you need to convince the rest of your body to take the plunge. And once you’re in, it’s easier to convince a friend to come and join you. Then you can literally make waves with those around you; whether it’s cooling each other or racing each other back to the shore. Or if you’re really up for throwing caution to the wind, why not indulge in your very own water aerobics? Be careful though, some may think you’re doing your own rendition of YMCA and may want to join in albeit with the wrong idea.

Spreading the Hate

As the nights draw in our attention is drawn not to what to see and do in our spare time but to spread the hate. That’s right, it’s election time. Our social media accounts will be blasted by our fellow man trying to spread rumours about opposing political parties with fake conversations in big letters. I haven’t come across a single one of these posts that isn’t positive. You’re more likely to read a photoshopped picture of the opposition wearing a chicken hat and spending taxpayer money than a genuine pic of them visiting volunteers on the streets. And it gets to a point where it makes you think if you really want to know these people. So please think twice before you press your friend’s like button, or at least stand up to the hype by asking them why they think that way. It’s time to find out why people want to spread the hate.

Watch the Walls

How many shots have I been in but never acknowledged? How many shadows have I brought into the world? Without me, they might not have been. And I always look my best. With a bit of practice, I can blend in to match the colours around me. No-one ever notices the cracks or wrinkles on me either. Sometimes people capture the movement of an eyebrow that I’ve raised to witness what’s going on. Sometimes I purposefully move myself to make the image blurred; especially if they’re an annoying lot. Maybe one day I’ll show them my face. Perhaps some glue might come loose to roll down the wallpaper. I might even shake some nails off. That’ll give them a scare. After all, the attention’s never on me. Everyone assumes that the noise or the vibration’s coming from the other side. No-one ever suspects that something’s inside, waiting to come out.

How much salary per month is enough to live in the UK?

It depends how you want to live. Are you here solely to survive or are you looking for a life of luxury with your own private yacht (though there are much better places to live in with your own private yacht)? Do you want to live on your own, or in a shared house with other people? Do you need to support others and are you entitled to benefits? Some people do low-income jobs but still live with their family so most domestic bills would be taken care of. But some people live on the streets for which you don’t need a salary for; though I imagine that they would certainly like one. And of course, it depends on the area you choose and the facilities that you require too. A car (whether luxury or not), TV, phone and your preferred method of sustaining yourself all adds to the cost.

Monkey Mother

I’d love to spend an afternoon dozing away in a hammock. It’d have to be a luxury one or one with a padded cushion if it’s one of those cheap net jobs. And it would have to be somewhere solitary where no-one can roll you out. A hot climate would be ideal because then you wouldn’t have to worry too much about leaving the hammock out overnight. Of course, you’ll need a drink to stay refreshed but the question is where do you put it? Do you hang onto your vessel numbingly tight? Can you make use of a barstool or an extra-tall table? Even then you would to lean over and run the risk of tumbling out. What you need is a cup holder that’s ideally built into your armrest or in between your legs. And how about some speakers and a small screen? Before you know it, you’ve transformed your hammock into a pod similar to that of a long-haul first-class flight.

Small actions beat big intentions

There are jobs to be done. But are you prioritising the right ones? Cleaning jobs, although mind-numbingly dull, don’t take that long once you put your mind to it and get it done. It’s just the energy and conditions that are required to do it. It’s not something that you might do in the middle of the night or if it’s cold and wet outside. But how much time do we spend thinking about things rather than doing them? There’s always something else that you could be doing, and it’s not necessarily productive to your goals. But if you distract yourself too much, then the task may never be done. That’s why you need to plan what you do. To get those big intentions done, you need to break them down into smaller tasks. That way, it’ll flow from the beginning to the end, and if you feel that you must take a break, you can when you’ve finished a step.

Goldfish

We slurp up alcohol like fish in a tank. You could say it’s what keeps us swimming in circles, big though they sometimes are. It’s what we must always be kept in otherwise we’ll be flipping up and down on a slab. Some people even breathe it out the day after they take it in. Perhaps it’s a reminder of how we evolved. And tavern owners hook us in by making their premises attractive and comfortable, not to mention discounts which another waiter will conveniently forget about when handing you your bill. Bronze is the colour they look out. They know that these people are the sun-seekers who have cash in their pocket and they’re able to convert it into gold. But if we’re happy, other passers-by will want to join in too. And if the owner is on to too much of a good thing, then he might need a bigger tank.

The Checker-Off-erer

One thing that I hate in my job is when other people try to tell you how to perform it. The most common incident is when you’re facing a horde of people anxious to collect their stuff and they’re constantly pointing out to you where each item is. I realise that some of these people have been waiting a while and that if some of my colleagues were a bit more alert then we wouldn’t have this problem; but when you greet someone and all they do is point then I think it’s quite rude. Usually I get my revenge by making a point of reading each number out aloud on the receipt and matching it to their product. It’s what I have to do anyway to ensure that the correct item goes to its new owner; otherwise we’d just be putting things out on a table for anyone to grab.

Network Cards

At work we’ve had problems selling network cards for some time. When we sell them, we’re usually prompted to swipe the card to activate it. However, since the new range launch the till proceeds with the sale but all we’re selling is a bit of cardboard with no monetary value. To combat the problem, they’ve issued us with replacement cards under a different selling code. To further complicate things, they’ve repaired the previous problem with a code that prints out after the transaction is completed. The most frustrating thing about this issue was that the company was very lax in informing us of their solution. This meant that people were still expecting cards to be swiped but nothing would happen. One simple briefing on the company’s network site would have resolved the matter. Instead, individuals would post the issue which meant that responses had to be answered; and of course not everyone is going to read every post.

Fitbit Inspire HR

I’ve had a Fitbit for just short of two years. The buckle broke which held the screen to the strap. It slides back in again but it doesn’t hold for long. So I felt it time to cash in on the warranty policy of my Charge 2 and seek a replacement. I looked at the competition and almost settled on a Charge 3, but then I discovered that the Inspire HR did the same thing as a Charge 3 but was £30 cheaper on account of a day less in battery life. The first thing that I noticed when I got it out of the box was that it had both a small and large strap. This is great news as I have a medium wrist so if the small strap was to break, I could use a tighter fitting on the larger strap. But there were also disappointments. When I came to charge it, I got a less than generous six inches of cable to charge it. This meant that I had to balance it on something to allow it to rest upon a surface. The other thing that will take some getting used to is the magnetised cradle to charge it as the fitting seems quite loose. However, I’ve already done my first swim which I could never have done with my old one. Hopefully it will last as long.

Liquored Ladies

It’s nice to have a drink or two when you’re on holiday. You can get glammed up and the bartender will glam up your tipple to match with extra straws and plastic tat to make it nice and colourful. Though sometimes you can overdo it and you end up looking like you’ve been playing with mother’s makeup bag. Or perhaps there’s glass on top of that canopy and it’s acting like a heat lamp. Of course you’ll then want a photo to prove that you’ve been there and to show off your adventures to your friends. You might not be able to get a glamourous background every time but at least you can put on a cheesy smile to pretend that you’re enjoying yourselves. And everybody’s posing for everyone. I always try and take revenge by finding an interesting picture to send back; something along the lines of stock photos of the house covered in snow.

Wreck-it Ralph

This movie had a novel approach and I don’t think there’s been a greater effort to rally so many companies into one film. That said, it was a shame not to feature them in the main plot, or least to get them them to rally round at the end. Surely Disney could have forked out a bit more to use the rights; especially since they didn’t use any big-name voices. And as a lot of it was retro animation, they could certainly cut corners when they wanted to. It was easy to warm to the protagonists since they all had a job to do. I liked Penelope’s attitude, and it was great to see some of the other characters develop. But it was a shame that we didn’t get to see Sugar Rush in arcade action before the finale. Now I’ll have to go and play some of these games and experience them for myself. 

A Bumpy Ride

It was time for our flight home. We boarded the coach to take us to the airport. Unfortunately, we got stuck in a traffic jam which left us stationary for an hour. When we arrived at the airport, we only had an hour before the flight. We joined the queue for security but were held up by a man who was trying to take his carry-on luggage through on an airport trolley. Rather than moving aside, he blocked the entrance while he unloaded his things. We asked him to move so that we continue, explaining that we’d been delayed in traffic. Once airside, we found out that our flight had been delayed too. I went to the bathroom and managed to bring up that bug that had been bothering me since yesterday afternoon. Unfortunately it came back at me during some turbulence, and I didn’t make it to the bathroom in time. Then when we landed, we had a quick sprint to our connecting flight which was waiting for us to board.

The Empress #empress2

‘Surely this cannot be right?’

‘These measurements were took by the High Priestess herself.’

‘But these are enormous!’

‘I know.’

‘Perhaps we should ask her to check them. Maybe she had something else in mind when she wrote them down.’

‘Are you suggesting that I question an order from the imperial office?’

Well, no.’

‘Very well. I will return for the garments in four days.’

‘Hang on, that doesn’t give me a lot of time. Usually I start with templates and alternate accordingly but with these sizes I shall have to start from scratch.’

‘The empress is not moulded from a template.’

‘Right…right. But we have got a lot of other customers to attend to as well you know.’

‘None of whom are empresses I’m sure.’

‘Very well. Sachi, how much of the imperial red do we have in at the moment?’

‘There’s two metres left and Sandeep is delivering some more tomorrow’ said an unseen voice from the back.

‘Get hold of Sandeep. He’s going to need a bigger cart.’

A Railway Walk

Back on the ground, it was a hot sunny day and we still had 45 minutes before we had to get back on the bus. After taking a selfie of the tour from the balcony of the convention centre, we wandered into the aquarium in the hope that their café was situated before the ticket gate. Unfortunately it wasn’t, so we headed towards the train station and found a subway sandwich shop. I felt a bit queasy so I didn’t have anything, then we decided to head to the green on the other side of the tower. Dotted around this green were old steam locomotives which had been put out on display next to the railway museum. At the very end of the railway shed was a brewery, but time was against us to take a tour. Our last Canadian landmark was a turtle that had been sculptured out of a shrubbery.

The PM and the Pauper #dreamdiary79

I’m working in a large clothes shop. It’s my job to keep the shelves full so that people can constantly circulate for new items. Whenever I see a gap, I must head into the stockroom to search out another garment, pop it into a little trolley and wheel it out. Then I head over to a security dispenser to tag it which are at random points throughout the store, before hanging the item on the shelf. The store is constantly busy with browsers and it’s company policy to give way to them on the walkways, though I have a personal policy of not giving way to them if they ignore me, and often I have to use Karma and take it out on the next customer. We also have a worry wall where we can anonymously write our fears down for management to consider. I wrote store closures but someone else has simply written “This!” on a poster announcing a restructuring programme. One day, Prime Minister Boris Johnson comes into the shop and gives way to me and my little trolley. I hide from him for a while then tell him about the importance of young people working in retail.

The CN Tower

After spending so much time in the countryside, it was great to be back in a city. After passing through a security check, we got our tickets and shot up 342 metres in the building’s elevator. And the first thing we headed to see was the view. Facing north, we looked down upon skyscrapers and saw trains arriving at the station underneath us. To the south, we could watch planes take off and land on Centre Island. Then we took a brave leap and laid down on the glass to stare at the ground. We also enjoyed the fact that you could go outside and feel the wind whistle through the air at that height. Having done this, we discarded the need to be suspended over the edge in a jumpsuit. Back on concrete ground, we toured the gift shop, spotting a Lego model of the tower and I bought the obligatory keyring.

Mike and Romeo #mr 1

Romeo is a mechanic who works for his uncle at a small garage. He’s single and is looking to mingle. Mike is also looking for love. He’s recently divorced and has had to move back to his parent’s house after a failed marriage. Not long after the move, Mike notices that his MOT on his lime-green Volvo is due to expire and needs to get it sorted this week. He’s called in a sickie at the office in the hope that someone can fit him in today.

Mike pulls up in front of the garage and steps out of the car. He spots Romeo walking around a red escort with a large wrench in his hand.

‘Oi Oi, how you doing pal?’

‘Why hello sailor! Fine thanks yeah.’

‘Hey, I just wondered if you’ve got a few spare minutes to get this warhorse put through an MOT? I’ll grab some bacon butties for you while it’s on the table?’

Niagara-on-the-Lake

Before setting off for Toronto, we stopped off at Niagara-on-the-Lake to stretch our legs. This was a small town with a clock tower and many small shops, and several members of our party disappeared into the coffee shops. The rest of us were keen to explore and headed out to the lake itself. It was a bit of a march to the lake and we weren’t sure where we were going. At one point we were following the road to the local golf club until we spotted a viewpoint. With a bit of hindsight and binoculars and perhaps with some advice from our guide we might have known that there was a chance of getting a glimpse of Toronto. As it was, it was just a vast ocean of water which makes up Lake Ontario. Then it was a short march back to the coach and while everyone was using the conveniences I had just enough time to take a photograph to the entrance of Fort George that my former supervisor had recommended. At least I could say that I came close.