Crap Taxidermy

Crap Taxidermy by Kat Su

My rating: 2 of 5 stars

Who the hell would buy this book (my friend apparently)? All it’s really worth is a five-minute flick before you pass it on or leave it in a communal area, unless you’re actually going to attempt taxidermy. It’s a shame that the book doesn’t specifically state where each piece can be found so that you can go and visit it, though of course some might be in private residences. Maybe some people don’t want to be shamed with their results. There’s a horse swelled up so much that you could use it as a novelty beach ball, many ill attempts at mystical animals by stitching two bodies together, and museum pieces so bad they make you wonder how that taxidermist scored that gig. Still, everyone needs a hobby no matter how bad they’re at it. It’s the very best off the net pressed into one book to spread the word in another medium. Just remember that if something looks crap, you can always make it look better with googley eyes.

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Wood Trainer #dreamdiary 136

I’m sitting down on a stool in a well-lit workshop holding a huge block of wood. It’s slightly bigger than a size A4 panel, but it’s several inches thick. It’s a nice, smooth light brown piece that doesn’t share any signs of grain or cracks. In the centre of the wood, I’ve managed to carve the word ‘train’ deep into it. The engraving is at least an inch deep and the font is very smooth. It’s the kind of style that you’d use to teach a child how to read. I’ve even left in a peg that forms the missing part of the ‘a’. Behind me is a huge square workbench that I sit around with my classmates. There’s a very clean Lilo floor covered in a glittered blue. For me, this is an achievement. There are no cracks despite this hand-made effort. My next task is to paint it. 

Commandeering a Floating Pagoda

To avoid the congested walk back, and to prevent the tour company from getting sued, our guide managed to commandeer a large pagoda-style boat to sail us across the lake back to the exit. I would have preferred a pedalo but I don’t think that some of the older ones could handle it. Instead, we piled in with another Chinese tourist group, but we did get to see the Emperor’s pleasure boat which was made of stone (though I suspect it was more of a building for concubines rather than a physical vessel), and a beautiful ornate bridge that crossed the lake. I would have lied to have spent more time crossing this bridge. Our evening was our last night in Beijing, and we were treated to a traditional crispy fried duck. I was one of the few who dared to sample the crispy beak. I’ll eat anything if it’s deep fried and in a sauce that I recognise.

Not Too Much to Roar about at the Red Lion, Alvechurch

We arrived just as the lunchtime rush was ending. We’d been before so had an idea of what to expect but we were armed with a voucher. The rush seemed to be ending, and we were placed in a corner where we felt a little isolated. It was a shame that the bar was experiencing a gas shortage. Rather than ordering a true pub beer on draught, we had to choose from a drinks menu but not all the drinks were priced. Spending over £5 on a bottle of cider seems a little extreme, even though the fresh fruit and ice in the glass were a nice touch. The meals were very well presented. I felt that the server needed a little more spark or oomph, she seemed to be functional but was unwilling to enter into a conversation. When it came to dessert, speed of service seemed to be a problem despite the few people that were around, and we had to chase it. 

A Shirtless Lunch

Some of the restaurants that we visited catered specifically for groups. There’d be a huge shop floor on the bottom and you wouldn’t expect to be a restaurant upstairs but there was. The idea was that you’d be fed then the sales team would pounce on you as you found your way back down. It was shame that we weren’t allowed to go off menu, and sometimes you’d have to be quick at what was brought to the table before the good stuff went. You also wouldn’t have the opportunity to order something different as it cause a delay as it was cooked. Still, it gave you the chance to socialise with other members of the party. We visited giant souvenir outlets that shipped warrior statues, a factory outlet selling discount shirts, and a basket weaving shop. The outside of these places would always be set in glamourous surroundings and there’d be plenty to photograph, but they’d be a bit dire inside.

What Adults Care About

We like to relax. We like our home comforts around us to help us relax. We like money because if we have lots of it then we know that we won’t struggle to get things to help us relax. We like hard work but only if it’s to achieve a common goal to help us relax afterwards. We like things to be nice and tidy because then we don’t have to look at a mess knowing that there’s work to do. We’re a lazy bunch really. We like music because it puts us in a rhythm which keeps us in time with everything and when we’re struggling with this then it means that we want peace and quiet to help is relax. We like spending our time on things that we enjoy. We like companionship with other people as it enables us to talk about our problems which helps us to find a solution together.

A Fun Descent

One novel to get back down from the wall was to ride a Toboggan. We weren’t told about this, probably because of the age of our group, but if I did do it it would mean that Mum would have to make her own way down. So we took the sensible route. Back on the ground, we negotiated the chalets full of snacks and souvenirs that were just beginning to open up. One lady was desperate to sell t-shirts but kept giving us the price in dollars. I guess they have more Americans than Brits visiting here. But we did pick up a cool snow globe with a wall inside and a keyring. We pass a cool tower and a balcony restaurant with lanterns hanging outside. In the official museum, there was even a Lego wall. Then we’re taken to lunch in a tall building with a gift shop in the bottom and a huge range of Chinese figures outside. 

Last of the Party Animals

He’s tall with a slim physique with short uninspiring hair and has rectangular glasses to match. He’s one of those people that you tend to bump into at events and you’ll recognise his face but you can’t put a name to it. He’s keen to network and make you a contact. He’s a big fan of the selfie no matter what state you’re in. Meanwhile, in the background, he’s quietly been building a career out of the event that you’re participating in. He gets around and people recognise him for what he does, even if he’s always wearing the same fleece to make it easier for people to identify him each and every time. He’ll even go solo if he has to. But wherever he travels, there’s always a friendly group of people who will welcome him and are happy to profile his mischief no matter what state he’s in.

Following the Grey Brick Road

The wall was an amazing network of steps and stone that zig-zagged through the hillside. They’d even taken a leaf out of Hollywood’s book, but instead of naming the place they decided to praise their Chairman. Occasionally there was a watchtower to explore with an awkward stepping point that didn’t allow oncomers to pass. Inside were pillars while some had stone steps to ascend to the roof. In one of the towers was a canvas where you could make your mark. Luckily, we had a pen with us! Through the windows were magnificent views of the land below, though we weren’t sure which was the Chinese side. It did seem odd that we were just left on our own to roam, and it was only the time constraint of our group that stopped us from attempting to cross the rest of the country. Some of the steps were very steep though.

Robotic Love

How do you get a machine to love you? It would be nice to hear all the skills and what they do before trying them. Not by talking in babytalk, that’s for sure. What you can do is put a bit of music to get you in the mood., though it does sound a bit like a closing line of a sad film of the set of a Spanish siesta. One just told me that I was a gift to those around me and nothing else happened. And the Love Story just wasn’t positive enough, as I spent a lot of time confirming my answers and it was more interested in gaining reviews than being of any use. There’s a little celebrity game called Kiss, Marry Avoid, but it’s not talking into account the gender of the player. It’s more of a slumber party question. I’m not finding anything to help people get together yet though.   

Driving Up the Wall

We arrive at a large complex. There’s amenities everywhere. We follow a path past a herd of chalets and climb a set of sets with a flowerbed placed in the centre. At the top of the steps we climbed into a cable car. We had splendid views above the trees as we ascended to the top of the wall. Our car even had celebrity status as Ivana Trump rode in our same car and it was commemorated by a window sticker. We arrive at the top and we’ve got an hour to explore before we think about heading down again. The last thing that we want to do is to be the last people to descend back to the coach. But where do we go? He only solution was to wander in one direction for a bit then come back the way that we’d come before repeating the same route in the other direction.

 

Hunting #Vampress6

The ground began to shake. Something big was definitely pacing the room. Each man began to panic. They decided to draw together since they could hear each other in the hope that they could see each other and help to defend themselves against this unseen danger. ‘It’s wet, it’s wet’ cried one of them. ‘But it came from above. It’s warm too.’ What was in the room with them? One of them shouted ‘I’m off the ground’ and they never heard from him again, despite repeating his name several times. Then they ran. They didn’t know where they were going, and they had to listen out and grab for each other as they ran in case they attracted too much noise. Occasionally there’d be a shriek as one man disappeared from his partner never to be found again. One man managed to hold on for a while, but all that could be heard after was a thud.

Red Light Show

We enter a building that’s just lit up with red squares. It gives the Red Light District a whole new meaning. Inside is a standard theatre with cinema seats. There’s gongs and electric lanterns and the curtain’s formed of a banner with a picture of the cast. The stage has a stone mosaic impression and there’s a teleprompter above it. It’s a traditional Kung Fu show for tourists with actors dressed in warrior gear surrounded by emperors and senseis in long moustaches. There’s even a red dragon. We’re told to keep a close eye on the little boy but we can’t see why, even though he returns his throne outside the theatre at the end of the show. It’s a great little demonstration of Chinese acrobats, but we can’t make much head or tail of the story being told. I’m sure there’s some sort of fable to be told but we can’t quite make it out.

 

I Don't Want to Know

Now and again, you might find yourself a very interesting person to follow on social media. They like to travel, they describe their profession as a photographer, then they ruin it all by going on a rant about their political beliefs. They’re just so extreme that you don’t want any involvement with them whatsoever. These people are like bricks, they refuse to be moved and don’t attempt to adapt to any changes around them. Instead, they’ll vent about the effects of these changes on society whilst concealing the fact that it also affects their business. They’ll even comment on their comments to try and gain a stronger foothold. It looks like they haven’t done any real work in ages. Others see it and get involved and the hate spreads. I cannot be bothered to deal with these people or anyone prepared to feed their habits. So sorry @Jtomtomlinson, but I don’t wanna know. 

Onwards and Upwards

The edge of the walkway is lined with people and our guide is desperate to get us to the top of the hill. We’re all trying to keep up but then one of the old dears takes a fall as she’s misjudged a step. Once we’re all caught up and have established that there’s no injury we carry on to the top of the tower where we’re allowed a glimpse inside one of the tearooms. Then it back down the other side of the hill where we were collected for lunch. While it was settling, we got taken to a calligraphy museum where we were given a lesson in Chinese writing. We learnt how every stroke has a different meaning and we wrote a few phrases followed by our names with ink and a paintbrush. Then we purchased our zodiac animals in ornate tiles before getting some rest for our next big expedition.

The Office US

This was an amazing series with some novel moments. It’s nice to see a show with people that care about each other while living out their self-interests in an environment that would normally see the offender fired. Michael Scott was a character that I couldn’t stand on-screen, an idiot savant that everyone just had to put up with, just like real life. It’s weird that later on it was down to the employees to choose their new boss. Jim and Dwight were a classic entertainment combo, and their pranks were brilliant. Breaking the fourth wall was fantastic, and if there was more time I would like to have seen a passionate moment between Pam & Brian, and the world’s reaction to the characters once the documentary had aired. By following the characters throughout the show, I love how they come to evolve and the whole thing results in a great feel-good comedy, although I let that Nellie had overstayed her usefulness. They should have kept the series going a lot longer. 

Kitchen Confidential: Adventures in the Culinary Underbelly by Anthony Bourdain

Kitchen Confidential: Adventures in the Culinary Underbelly by Anthony Bourdain
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

I’ve never heard of this guy until his book suddenly appeared on my eBooks. I had no idea whether this was a recipe book, an autobiography, or about a fictional chef fighting off mafia bosses. It’s mostly the second one blended in with a tiny bit of the third. In his tale, he boasts the journey of his career and how he worked his way up to his present-day status. He’s kind of an American Gordon Ramsey, though perhaps with a little less swearing and a little more substance abuse. If you know your chefs, he tells his story as it is and there’s little that he holds back apart from some of his personal life. If you’re looking for advice on being a chef or an insight into people behind restaurant doors then you won’t be disappointed, and you’ll even pick up some cooking tips if you’re prepared to invest the time and effort.

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The Result #dreamdiary 135

I’m sitting at home in my onesie. It’s mid-morning and I’m still in bed, and I hear a rattle at the door. I decide to get up to investigate, and discovered that an envelope has arrived. I unlock the porch to retrieve it, a brown A4 envelope with a distinct smell of the outside world. I take it halfway up the stairs to examine it. It’s got my name and address hand-written in black ink with a blue second-class stamp stuck in the corner. No wonder it took so long to get here. I put my thumb under the seal and ripped the envelope open. Inside were several sheets of lined paper with familiar blue handwriting on them, with the odd red pen scattered here and there. At the top in a big red circle was the letter ‘B’. There was no covering letter but I knew that I was on track for a higher achievement than I’d ever had before.

Movie Set of a Geisha

Giant pagodas line the top of every wall. People are lined up everywhere, but when we get in, it’s surprisingly spacious. While we wait for everyone to make a visit, I enjoy the ornate stone bridges laid across tranquil streams. There’s even a film crew on the balcony. We pass giant copper lion statues on cobbled pavements with freshly laid paths to preserve the rest of the square. We travel through huge doors with giant brass bolts. Inside, we catch a glimpse of waiting rooms of the early courtiers. Every single detail, from the roof tile to the water fountain, is completely ornate. We enter the palace gardens, a public park. We pass lines of elderly people catching up with the news of the day and displaying their collection of caged crickets. We pass under the cover of a walkway where the beams are painted in jasmine. Then one of our party takes a trip of their own.

"Fear is not real. It is a product of thoughts you create. Do not misunderstand me. Danger is very real. But fear is a choice."

-Will Smith.

If fear isn’t real, then logically it’s something to be ignored. You need to find the cause of your fear and address it before it becomes anxiety. It’s not an object that necessarily scares you, it’s a situation that you don’t necessarily want to occur. You can always distract yourself with things that you don’t fear, but you’re just wasting time. The thing not to relinquish is the ability to control the situation. If you choose to ignore it when you can take action, you’re just accepting fate and not taking ownership of the consequences. Ignoring it doesn’t make you invincible when there’s a risk involved. But it’s dealing with the unknown. You don’t know what the outcome will be. What would happen if you fail or don’t make the attempt? That’s the question that you’ve got to ask yourself and face, or deal with the consequences and the regret.

Beijing Breakfast

After dinner, we decided to follow a main road towards the city. We followed a flock of people but didn’t seem to make any progress other than walking alongside a busy road of traffic and watching foreign cars speed by. In the end we headed back to the hotel bar to have a drink, but because no-one was there we decided to head back to our room. The next day, we were whizzed off by coach to see The Forbidden City. Because China was celebrating fifty years as a Republic, it was a celebratory weekend and the queues were huge as people were flocking to visit the tomb of their first chairman. We certainly gave them a sight as they were chuffed to bits that Westerners ad decided to come and visit their country. They even posed for photographs with us. After enjoying the giant ornate flower displays, we got tooled up with audio guides and were led into the square.

During the Funeral, lightning struck the coffin six times. Then they heard a scream!

There came a loud thump. The coffin had started to shake. Something inside realised it was trapped. A crowd gathered and a debate started. Was it humane to let loose whatever was stuck inside or was it no longer human meaning that it would be safer to contain it? Scraping had turned into banging as the coffin rocked on its pedestal. It was secure enough, but should it fall off there was a great chance that it could smash. Everyone knew the possibility but fear had gripped everyone and no-one had the courage to disturb it in case they triggered some unseen preliminary reaction. As the coffin continued to vibrate it slid closer to the edge and the head started to tilt toward the ground. At one point a stout man started to edge forward with his arms outstretched but a loud thunderclap fired across the valley as if some forgotten omen forbade it. All eyes turned to the skies but a smaller bang refocused them upon the pedestal where it was bare and there was silence. 

Munch in Beijing

We arrive in Beijing. we have the option of paying to dine at the hotel buffet or eat out at a local restaurant. Our room isn’t the grandest; we have a view of a construction site and in the distance amongst the skyscrapers is the National Chinese TV Headquarters. We’re quite a way out from the city centre and we’re not confident enough to hail a taxi on our own. After a quick walk around the block, we arrive at a restaurant that our guide recommends, and most of our group are scattered around there as well. We order dinner and some beer and our waiter asks if we want it cold. ‘Yes’ we say. Half an hour later, our drinks still haven’t been brought to us yet, so we enquire and suddenly we’re remembered. Then a dish of beef arrives followed by some rice, and nothing after that. We share the beef then we enquire about the chicken, which seems to have been forgotten about. Our waiter tells us that they don’t have that ready, so we cancel and head out to pay the bill. They try to charge us for it anyway. In the end we pay it but we don’t leave a tip. Ironically, our guide who recommended this restaurant isn’t present tonight. 

 

Step Slips

My Dad wanted something to scrub the kitchen floor with and came across a slipper-type cloth made of latex that you cover your foot with so that you could clean just by scraping your foot across a laminate floor. I found a listing for one on eBay, and decided to get him a pair as a joke present for Christmas. The trouble was that it came from China. When it arrived, I didn’t check the contents of the package; I just wrapped it up. When we opened it, it was a good quality sponge with a blue coating and looked just like a washing-up glove, only shaped for a foot. The only problem was that there was just the one slipper included. I checked the listing and it said nothing about a pair, it was just an assumption I made. We had to wait another three weeks for the second one to arrive before he would try it out. 

Leaving on a Jet Train

The next day, we had an early start. It was so early that the hotel wasn’t able to open the kitchen for breakfast. Instead, we were each given a carrier bag containing a hard-boiled egg, a cheese sandwich, a strawberry yogurt, a juice drink and no utensils. This was so that we could get to the train station in time and have our luggage screened while avoiding the rush hour all before boarding a high-speed train. We then had an hour to kill before boarding, so after exploring the various destinations on offer and watching the guards shunt around in red bellhop hats, I bought us some coffee. Boarding was quite simple and there were only a few stops to our destination; although the journey would take a while. At one station we were able to disembark for a while and take a stroll across the platform to take selfies of the engine. We received complimentary hot drinks but we were recommended to buy lunch which was a pre-packed sandwich, but there were also hot water dispensers for people to cook dehydrated noodles.  

What Kids Care About

They want food. They want toys. They want to use up their energy otherwise they get too excited or too eager to get away from their current situation. They want to be occupied, whether it’s with companions to share ideas or be distracted from the things that they have to face. They want things to keep them happy. They want as much as they can get hold of so that they have as much choice as possible. They want what they see others have, even though other choices are available. They want to make sure that they’re not missing out on anything. They want to have fun. They want to be taken to visit places and travel via the most interesting method available, not matter how much it costs, and if that’s not practical then they want to get there as quickly as possible. But most important of all, they want to feel that they’re loved and looked after. It makes them feel secure. 

Chinese Thai Curry

We ventured outside onto the street. A long pedestrianised road stretched out in front of us with neon signs depicting unknown contents were hanging off tall buildings. We passed a square with a stage and a bar and restaurant next to it. At the end of the row was a Lego shop which I had to explore. Inside was a Chinese dragon as well as other miniature landmarks from around the world. The walls were lined with a Lego depiction of the high street outside. We then had to find food. We ventured into a food hall which had lots of different deli stands and cafes on offer. On the fourth floor, we found a small café staffed by students and decided to give it a go. After finding someone who spoke a little English, we were served promptly with great value food which was freshly cooked. My mother delighted in the red Thai curry with prawns.

Out the John

Short with stubble and a bit of fat, he’s somehow managed to attract a wife and raise a child. Then there was an opportunity for a promotion at a new store. The manager took on the person that she saw to be best for the job, though it turns out that she trusted him too much. A few years later, a suitcase was purchased. It just felt a bit too heavy. On impulse, she decided to open it and discovered that it was full of gaming consoles. He was fired on the spot, and I think he went to prison for it. I have no idea who replaced him, but I wasn’t invited for consideration for the position. Later, I bumped into him working behind a counter at Gregg’s. I don’t think I saw him again, though I knew his past. I didn’t see him there again though. I wonder how long he lasted. 

Shanghai Shenanigans

Once our flight had landed, we congregated in the luggage claim as our tour guide rounded everyone up. Then we were whisked onto our coach and given a quick briefing of what would be happening over the next couple of days. As we arrived at the hotel, we separated so that my mother could collect our room key while I sorted out the luggage to avoid valet fees. Then we were off into a lift and whisked up to a very high floor in a grand hotel. We took some time to sort out our belongings for the evening and attempted to connect to the hotel’s censored wi-fi, then after a brief wander around the hotel we began to make plans for tomorrow’s trip. We could have had dinner in the hotel but we wanted to make the best out of a city experience and set out into the city.

No Such Thing As a Fish

I’ve never heard of this before, and from the start I had no idea what it was about, even though it was into episode 425. heard a lot of self-promotions before we got to the fact that it was a show discussing curious and pointless facts. Koreans class their citizens into three age groups, so you may be only one, two or three years old. A bit confusing, but it helps to label their citizens according to what stage of life they’re expected to conform to and what rights they are entitled to. The presenters then go onto dissect each fact in detail as they compare it to their everyday lives. The facts all seem to be from foreign lands where the presenters seem to mock each country. There’s also plenty of adverts in between each fact. Still, if you’re looking for something quirky to entertain your friends, this is for you. I don’t think it’d be any use in a quiz though.

Half and Half

I’m not in international waters. I may be at the airport terminal, but my toes are still on English soil. I haven’t yet boarded a plane, and even though other currencies may still be accepted, the pound sterling is still the dominant currency. So why isn’t it possible to get a half pint? It’s a legal measure. Perhaps it was the bartender’s first day in this country. Eventually, after some confusion, she had to ask her manager for clarification of what was required. All we wanted was a nice tipple to ease us into our flight. For all we knew, it could have been our last drink. It wasn’t a particularly nice bar, it was a bit bleak, black and gloomy. But because we were tied to a particular terminal, we didn’t have a whole lot of choice. We didn’t have much of a chance to nap either since we would be landing in the early evening because of the time difference.