Brexercise #devilsdaughter9

Amazingly, the cleavage was only going to get bigger. As Lucinda ate, her dressed began to get more and more strained.

‘I don’t think that dress can keep up with those pancakes’ said Luke. I have an idea’. He quickly popped downstairs to the basement, where he found a rather underused and deserted gym. Spying two shiny blue gym balls in the corner, he got to work deflating them with a pen, then used the nib to tear a large hole in each one. Then he popped back upstairs to the breakfast room.

‘Here’ he said, handing Lucinda the deflated remains of the gym balls. ‘You can use these to make a quick makeshift bra. They’re even designer’.

‘But I can’t be seen like this.’

‘Think of it as a sports bra. We’ll have to take you shopping to find something that fits if you ever finish your breakfast.

‘Thank you sweetie’.

Secret Santa

Usually I struggle with the seasonal gift in the workplace. I’ve had some very unusual gifts too. But this year I knew exactly what my recipient wanted. Upon my return from volunteering at the local beer festival, I’ve managed to score a few free samples of chilli chocolate which I’ve handed out at work. My good lady especially liked these; but it’s got hotter over the last two years and he hasn’t been able to attend because he’s afraid of his chocolate melting. I set out for the last beer festival of the year in the West Midlands; but I was disappointed as he wasn’t there. The only thing that I could to was try his mail order service. Luckily, he had a special offer on because of the Black Friday weekend; so I snapped up five packs for £10. They arrived within the week. All I had to do was put them in an old box of Christmas cards and wrap them up for a lovely kiss on the cheek when she saw me next.

Any Chance of a Lift? #dreamdiary82

I’m trying to get to the airport. It’s all done by tram nowadays. The trouble is that there’s so many trams that you can’t get near the entrance. I’ve been dropped off by car and I must walk in amongst the tracks. Suddenly, a great purple tram approaches me. The driver sees me, cuts right straight over the adjacent track and onto the grass verge to avoid hitting me. Miffed, I carry on down the track to the airport entrance, pulling my suitcase alongside me. I now need to check in. I find out where I need to go and follow the signs to the escalator upstairs. Just as I’m about to board the escalator, an attendant pulls a queue cord across the entrance to stop me boarding. I glance up the escalator to see other people coming down. I back away and look at the adjacent stairs. All I can see is a shiny white marble slope raised up alongside the escalator with a thick purple pink line down the centre. I turn to the attendant (who still hasn’t removed the barrier to allow the people coming down the escalator to get off) and say, ‘Any chance of a lift?’

Caught on Camera

Once again, another of our civil liberties has been breached in the workplace. It’s odd since the public aren’t allowed to record on the premises without our permission. Yet our rights seem to be misplaced when we have our images photographed in the workplace of us in action. I seem to recall that there’s no prominent notice stating that our image will be recorded when on the premises either. We seem to be approaching a free-for-all situation. All it will take is one independent customer to create that spark; because if we’re recording customers then customers will want to either record us or have the right to a copy of their recording. But at the end of the day; we only get our rights when we stand up for them, and if we must make up a ruckus to get them then so be it. Otherwise the system will try to crush us as much as possible.

Home time on the Turn

At first glance you might think that oil has washed over some unsuspecting creature. As you approach, the creature remains still. Is it in shock? Is it fear? Or is it the animal instinct to keep still in the hope that you don’t notice it; to blend in with the background and to flee or attack at the last possible moment to keep the element of surprise? Or is it even alive? But once you’ve crossed the ten-foot line; your eyes take over from your imagination and you realise it’s a humble rock. It’s the different colours and a trick of the light that throws you; as the sun reflects of its wetter parts; humbly suggesting that it’s a glossy coat. Then there’s the water that ripples around the rocks which enticingly suggests that it is moving rather than the liquid around it. Never mind, there’s another one further ahead in the distance…

Agonising Annie

I love this old gal. She’s a rollercoaster. On the one side; she’s a lovely old dear who’s loud; mainly because she’s hard of hearing. She supports the work that you do and is prepared to support it; simply with the notion of making you a cup of tea as soon as she walks through the doors. But on the other side she’s as thick as thieves. She really struggles with any type of technology; which is amazing since she works in a shop where half its products involve tech. She’s also one of the gossipers. She’ll stay routed to the spot unless she’s told otherwise while others dash around to do their duty. She’s also got a daughter who occasionally brings her daughter into the shop and everything must stop while they become the centre of attention. That means that other people must cover these roles as well as their own.

As an American visiting Europe, can I bring my gun along?

Are you serious? In this day and age where even a mobile power pack must be scrutinised; why did you ever think you’d be allowed to take a weapon on a plane? There are scanners; there’s X-Ray machines and haven’t you heard of plane hijacking? Even if you have the right paperwork; what’s to stop some other trigger-happy person to discover your weapon and attempt to use it? And if you’re lucky enough to own a plane or boat; you’d be very unwelcome should you happen to be spotted with it. The rest of us must forego some rights when travelling; so why should you be the exception? Why do you feel that you need one in a society where most people can cope without one? If you can’t sacrifice one little liberty to experience other cultures and trust in other people then my advice to you is to stay in that little cocoon of yours.

The Barrel Olympics

The ancient art of barrel rolling is little known nowadays. It’s only handled by a chosen and trusted few of the hostellers; partly because of its value but mostly for safety. But imagine an event where you’re required to have hundreds of the things. Could you organise a race and make it into an event? Could there be a track with obstacles like pits to avoid or bollards to dodge? Could people bet on the outcome? You could even offer to wash the barrel out for the brewer; it’s a task that needs to be done anyway; though it may bump up the water bill a bit. That way you could have both adult and child competitions with both full and empty casks. Of course, you’ve got to be sure that the brewer will be OK with this; and you’ll have to accept liability for any damage done to product or person. But it’ll be an interesting method to get more people volunteering. Just don’t tell the safety elf.

'To be successful, you have to have your heart in your business and your business in your heart.'

-Thomas Watson Jr.

If you don’t love what you do, you’re not going to go far with it. You’ll see it through to the end, but only to the means that you’re required. There’ll be no passion in what you do; and your sole aim is to assist your fellow man in their requirements. But if you’ve got passion, then you’ve got the opportunity to show it in your actions; whether it’s having a chat with a customer after their transaction to prove that they’re not just a piece of meat but you actually appreciate what they’re doing for you, and in turn they’ll feel looked after and will be happy to give you their business again. But you can’t stop there. You’ve got to look for opportunities to grow your sales as well, and grab every chance. And if you don’t like it; just stick at it until you find something that does grab your passion.

Bromsgrove Beer & Cider Festival 2018

This year I was helping to volunteer on the membership stand. It’s one of the easiest jobs of the campaign if you’ve got the gift of the gab. But you must know your facts and figures and be confident about what’s involved. You also need to be clear upon what you’re offering in advance. And you also need to stand by your guns when a regional officer tries to supersede what you’ve already agreed upon; especially if they’re dressed up in traditional military uniform. An organised system suddenly becomes chaotic and then you’re in the middle of two systems. The worst bit was when you’re offering people supposedly faster entry into the festival if you join the campaign; people would be halfway through joining before realising that their friends are already in and you’re buried in paperwork. It needs to be clearer that it’s cheaper entry but not necessarily faster.

Gab of the Grateful

Where do the homeless go when everything else is closed? Well, amazingly, not everywhere is. You can always find somewhere warm to go to and find people to tolerate you so long as you don’t interfere with their operation. They may even treat you to a little goodwill tipple if they’re in the right mood. Of course, there’s the danger of overstaying your welcome in the hope and you’ll get offered even more. You shouldn’t part on bad terms but you want to make the moment last as long as possible. So you end up grinning like a maniac while edging towards the door then spring back as soon as you’ve thought of an excuse to open a new conversation. That way, it tries to look like you’re not setting up camp for the day. You’ve also got to have the gift of the gab to keep your hoteliers in a good mood so as not to churn you out.

Trucker Spotting

Some people spot trains, some people spot buses. And then there’s trucks. Specifically, the Stobart Spotters. They used to gather outside a distribution centre a few miles outside of my town before they closed it down. They’d stand at the gates and watch the trucks enter and leave. I never saw the fascination in it myself. Fast forward a few years and my company is using them to pull our trailers to and from our stores. Lo and behold; it attracted a few trucker spotters. Not many, but a few would come round and ask the driver if they could take pictures. I happened to know one of them, who told me that they could track the vehicles with just the registration number. It would be great if we could do that rather than having to rely on our despatch team. His wife was a former administrator of the company and they named a cab after her upon her retirement. What a way to be remembered.

Shocking

My brother’s a builder. It’s only natural that he breaks things as well as creating them; and accidents will happen however careful he is. He once managed to crack his phone and went through a grand saga to get it repaired. He took into a man on the market who did it for him within the hour. But when he came to collect it, he couldn’t get the phone unlocked. An Apple ID reset failed and a restoration from a back-up didn’t work either. The phone’s serial number didn’t seem to match up to the IMEI. In the end my brother went to the original retailer who had the full details of his phone; and it turned out that the repair agent had given him the wrong one. So in an attempt to stop this hassle from occurring again; I bought him a shockproof case as a Christmas gift. Yet not once have I seen the phone inside the case. Shocking.

Silks Whacker Payne at Alestones, Tardebigge

What a lovely surprise to find this beer. It’s so far away from its home. Yet it just goes to show the lengths that dedicated licensees are willing to go to in order to procure something different for their customers. It’s a brewery that I’d have never otherwise had heard of; and it’ll probably cease brewing before I get the chance to visit the area and seek out other beers from the same establishment. And since he’s the one that organised it; he can decide what to charge. It might seem like a steep price, but he’s got to consider how much it costs to transport the barrel. That’s a side that many people take for granted; especially if there’s little else being transported on the same vehicle. Other licensees can take up deals, but only because their wholesaler buys in bulk. And that’s another middleman for them to pay. What a pain.

Who gets my Vote

It’s decision time once again and I’ve got no idea who to vote for. Our local conservative is very professional and she works hard to protect and secure the resources of our town; but it’s the party that she represents that I just don’t trust. Both May and Johnson have missed their Brexit deadlines; and the latter made it worse by attempting to shut down the right of democracy including his own supposed supporting members. There’s plenty of coverage as to what the big parties are planning for this election; but there’s hardly anything received on a local level. The town’s newspaper only seems to exist in electronic form now and I’m amazed that we haven’t had any doorbells ring or literature posted through the door. The Greens have made it very clear what their focus is but there’s no information on their website as to what they’ll be doing in our town if they get their way. And the Liberal Democrats seems to be non-existent. The other local girl is a school teacher running for Labour; which I’m a bit surprised at as I thought that their previous candidate stood a fair chance. But this newbie hasn’t got much to say and her manifesto seems to be about photoshoots and undoing the hard work that our current MP has achieved. So at the moment it looks as if I’m going to go with the status quo and hopefully we can add some dynamite to her current campaign.

The Wine List

Choosing a wine can be a bit of a problem when you don’t know when you’re looking for. But if you come across one that you really like; you’re bound to want to have it again. That’s why it’s best to remember the name; not just the style but the name of it too. That way, we can give it a whirl the next time we fancy something different. The trouble is that we’ve narrowed it down to three but we still don’t know which one. I’m guessing that it’s the one next to the fingernails; though that could just be a coincidence because of the way that she’s holding the menu. On second thoughts; it’s less likely to be the bottom one since it’s sold by the glass rather than the bottle. You can never be too certain though. Best head to the supermarket to sample each one to be sure…

A bit of bother in the Breakfast Room #devilsdaughter 8

Breakfast was an interesting affair. Once Luke had managed to get his room key reactivated; he didn’t want to go through the hassle of bothering room service to get breakfast delivered; and Lucinda was already up anyway. As they headed down in the elevator, their lift made many stops; none of which were entered upon as Lucinda took up half the space in the elevator. He didn’t know whether to be admired for being with such a lady or outraged with her morning attire and inconvenience to the other guests. The waiter had decided to seat them next to the window in an attempt to attract as little attention as possible but Lucinda’s outline cast a large shadow across the centre of the room. The next problem was seating Lucinda herself; who had to take up a place for two people and a chair for each cheek. Luke practically ate in shadow as he was underneath a canopy of cleavage.  

Daft Old Bats

What a lot of people don’t realise is that when the elderly don’t get their way, they tend to act like children. They raise their voice and they never stop complaining. They’ll go off in a huff. There never seems to be enough patience and they get frustrated because of this. After the complaint, they’ll make it their mission to tell as many people as possible and discuss how it could have been improved. Of course, what this will achieve will be very little other than bring it to the attention of others to their annoyance. They don’t seem to understand that sometimes things do go wrong and it’s not necessarily in the control of the person that they’re complaining to. Then they’ll immediately want compensation or they’ll start making threats that they’ll boycott the place; not that you’ll want to see them again anyway. It’ll never be a positive outcome.

Passing the Pen

I was involved with Pint Taken for some time before my editorship as I often wrote articles about CAMRA’s recent events, and I also help to distribute the magazine. I know that readers love flicking pages for inspiration on new places to visit and beers to sup (I hope you do too!), and I thought that it would be a shame for the publication to cease to exist. And so, on a cold winter’s night Charlie Ayres passed his pen onto me.

My favourite part of being editor was to be one of the first people to hear about the newest venues and of course it gave me a great excuse to visit them! My first front page featured a beautiful picture of the Black Star in Stourport-on-Severn. I remember tiptoeing anxiously around the buildings on the opposite side of the River Stour to capture that perfect shot; having no idea if I was on public property or whether I was trespassing. But it was all worth it as a few weeks later I ripped open a box and I was holding my first edited copy. I carried on to produce another nine issues before passing the pen to Andy Checketts.

Hanging by a Thread

One of my homemaking tasks was to get a picture hung. We’d bought a frame and I’d got the picture printed after deciding on the size (the lady in the shop thought that everyone looked beautiful). I’d even got the picture positioned perfectly within the mount. All I needed was a simple piece of fishing line. That would be strong enough to support the picture and hang onto the nail without the need for any additional holes or hammering. But Mum had given all of my Dad’s fishing stuff away to my cousin; including my travel rod. Fortunately I’ve got friends who are more resourceful; so I borrowed some line to get the job done. I sent a photo of the finished product but it didn’t meet instant approval. I’m guessing it was because that they wanted to see how long it would take to fall. It’s been eighteen months so far but it is showing signs of a strain.

Slay the Zombies

One of the things that I don’t get on Twitter is that I’m always receiving e-mails about tweets from people that I’m not following or have no interest in. Today’s culprit involves an Indian bloke in a suit wearing a purple bandana telling me how freedom dies. He’s got a slight resemblance to Steve Carrell. Now I don’t know this bloke, and according to my account no-one else that I know follows him either. He’s only got 1200 followers; yet he’s sent nearly 45,000 tweets in over eleven years. That’s over ten tweets a day. So I’m assuming that he’s one of the highest tweeters, which is why I’m having his feed e-mailed to me. A lot of his content seems to be re-tweets; occasionally with an opinion. I’m only fluent in half of the context that he’s referring to since it’s Indian politics; not that I’m disagreeing with him. And it’s great that it’s in English so that outsiders can get an insight too. I suppose it’s a way of seeing content that you might otherwise have missed. His re-tweet of Donald Trump as Thanos is terrifying.

Why is the Sky Blue?

It’s an innocent question that children have put to their parents for centuries. We don’t necessarily want a scientific explanation. We just want to know why. Thankfully, there’s a simple answer which took a long time to work out before the answer became readily available on Google. So is it because more than seventy per cent of our planet is water and it’s the light hitting the sea and reflecting back into the atmosphere? Or is it to do with the light entering our atmosphere? After all, it may not be blue in the future once global warming has had its way. Once we’ve got more gases and particles in the air; it might be purple. And it’s not blue all the time. It also tends to be white when we experience large clouds. But could you imagine the sky to be green? Perhaps only if you’re standing underneath a clump of trees. But if you try to picture a cityscape with a green background, you may well find it nigh impossible. I get a vision of a green screen that film editors use to create special effects. I suppose the only way is to photoshop a picture and find out. You could argue that it’s because green isn’t a natural colour as it isn’t primary; but I always argue against this because of the natural colour of grass. And because of this, some people may just argue that the sky was blue because that was the cheapest colour in the store…

What's the best and quickest way to find a Job?

If you’ve got access to a computer, the quickest way is to visit a job search website. If you can’t think of one, just type job search into a search engine such as Google, and thousands of jobs will appear. If you haven’t got access to a computer, don’t fret. Just pop into your nearest newsagent and purchase a contemporary newspaper. There’s usually a job section towards the back with the classified section before the beginning of the sports pages. Job done. Of course, you haven’t specified how to obtain a job, or what preference would be given to your choice of career. You haven’t asked for advice on what to mention on your application, C.V construction or interview techniques. You’ve just asked how to find a vacancy. You haven’t specified where you’d like your vacancy to be, how far you’d be willing to travel; or salary expectations. So you’ll most likely take up the first vacancy that comes your way just to earn some income; no matter how mundane that field will be. Good luck.

Wake of Shame

How do you react when someone’s asleep in a bar? Obviously it’s an embarrassment to them but you’ve also got to consider their safety? Are they having a nap? Are they resting their eyes? Or is there something generally wrong? If they’ve overdone it, then perhaps it’s best to move them along; especially if they’re on their own and they’re not known, and they’re in a prominent place. After all, you’ve got a reputation to consider. You don’t want to be seen to attract and serve irresponsible drunks or deter future customers. And the last thing that you want is a body on your hands. But how will they handle it? Will they leave without a fuss in embarrassment? Will they finish their drink and be brought back to the living after a chat? Or will they create conflict; annoyed at being disturbed and face the walk of shame to leave?

"When we seek to discover the best in others, we somehow bring out the best in Ourselves"

-William Arthur Ward.

How do you feel after helping someone out? Do they appreciate what you’ve undertaken to assist them? Do they make you feel purposeful? Or are you merely assisting their mundane ignorance? Sharing a new skill will give you a far greater sense of achievement than helping someone to find the scissors as you’re training that person to be more independent. But it’s all about the way that you interact with each other. By demonstrating the method and teaching the understanding; it will actually aid both of you. But you’ve got to get there first. What’s the right way of teaching the method? Then, if your tutee demonstrates understanding and is able to perform the task by themselves next time round; it’s a win-win situation for everyone. But the pupil must be willing to learn too. If they’re asking someone else how to perform the task next time around, it’s a guaranteed indicator of failure.

Boogie Blues

I’ve been asked to attend a dance. I may have been told about it earlier in the week but I didn’t recall and anyway, my ears were blocked. It was only brought to my attention a couple of hours before we were due to depart from the restaurant and I really wasn’t feeling great; what having done a full shift at work and a head of hair that badly needs a trim. But I didn’t want to let the other person down, so I decided to escort them there to take a look. While we waited for her friends to arrive; I had a brief glance at the poster which informed me of an admission fee and what was playing. It definitely wasn’t my cup of tea; and the other attendees didn’t convince me either. I was tempted to stay for another beer but that meant either joining in or taking a stand and sit in the bar on my own. In the end I ended up at home supping a beautiful Baltic Porter and getting a few e-mails out of the way. I had intended to wait up to see that she got home safe but sleep got the better of me.

Box Blues

What’s the point of a modern-day box? The obvious reason is to protect the item within. So if the box has a few dents and scrapes on the outside but the product within has survived then it’s done its job. It’s frustrating when people question the appearance of a box though. Is the item physically going to fit back into the box after every use? If it’s something that you need to assemble then it’s unlikely. If the box is sellotaped then it only exists to enforce it or repair the box during its journey. And it’s even less likely if it’s a toy; especially if features a high percentage of see-through plastic within its contents. I’ve even torn off film surrounding boxes because it suggests that the product is damaged; yet if the customer doesn’t know that the film is present then they’re not likely to question it. It’s a shame really though. I’d like to see more things in boxes than cheap plastic as it’s easier on the environment.

The Wrong Top

People seem to be obsessed with colour. Every shade must look the same; otherwise it comes to be odd. We even do it when we dress. You’d look out of place wearing a black shirt on a hot summer’s day. One of these ladies is wearing the wrong coloured top; or they’ve ordered the wrong-coloured drink. It doesn’t bother them though. Maybe it’s because white blends in while blue stands out. Or perhaps it’s because the red drink goes with the bar’s glowing background. The blue dress also matches the neon lighting while the gold also reflects the light coming from behind the shiny bottles. It’s a picture that just seems to make everything glow (though it might be a bit different during the day). It just goes to show that primary colours can match up to anything; though a single shade of green would doom them all. It would certainly make them both stand out.

Black Bargains

We do love a bargain, and with the promise of doubling the value of my loyalty points if I spent them today, I ventured into the shop before my works shift to have a nosy round. My plan was to get an inkling of gifts for Christmas and perhaps purchase an elaborate advent calendar for Mum. The price for one with continental chocolates was too dear, so I moved onto DVD box sets. None of these seemed a bargain either; but then I spotted the clothes section. There was a coca-cola Christmas jumper that I had my eye on from last year which they’d sold out of my size by the time that I was ready to buy one. Then again, I’d already bought a Christmas jumper for this year. What I did settle for was a smart black woollen cardigan. It didn’t have any pockets but it did look smart. I had to try on a large and a medium before settling on the latter which didn’t look like a cloak over my ass. It’s a shame that it wasn’t in the sale, but I still managed to get it less than half price with my loyalty points. That and a tube of Pringles.

Tasting Panel

When you’re in a touristy area, it’s hard to find your local. For most people, it’s the bar in their hotel that they retire to; or their favourite place close to where their accommodation is. But you’ve still got to find this King of Venues. Until then, you’ve only got your eyes and word of mouth to go on. You’re a tasting ambassador; and one wrong meal could lead to a bad review which would detract many more customers. But on the plus side; you eat with your eyes. You might spot a few things on the menu that may tempt you back to try them. You might want to check out what the other diners are eating. Or you may just have the same again which you enjoyed so much last time. But for a place that you may only stay in for a week of the year; it’s amazing when they recognise you on the following year’s visit.

The Tiger Who Came to Tea

It’s nice to think that the commissioners of this show would really spark some memories of the readers of the book; but they’ve certainly shot themselves in the foot when it came to bring this into the modern era. If the animation was a bit modern then it would be more surreal; but because they’ve honoured the original with animated drawings then it will raise a few tiny thumbs. But who in their right mind lets a stranger on the doorstep in for tea; let alone a giant carnivore? Children are now going to begging their parents to stock a can of tiger food the next time they are shopping; and they’ll be terrified when they’re told that there’s none available (although I suppose the smarter ones could get away with cat food). At least in a similar series that they produced the adults saw sense and ran away from the danger. This family seems to be a set of doormats.