Three Climb Scarfell Pike

Our mission was to get two newbies up to the highest point of England. One was particularly lazy but he did accompany us to Ben Nevis a few years ago; the other had never conquered a peak before but was ready to try. A few of the girls were considering joining us but after some on-line research they decided to give it a miss and go for afternoon tea instead. So after reassuring people that I’d been up there before and promising to bring them back in one piece, we kitted up and set off to Wast Water on a beautiful sunny day. We got there just after 11 and as one of us was a National Trust member we got free parking. As we stood there admiring the glistening lake of Wast Water the ranger practically gave my friend the golden handshake for becoming a member. Then he moved onto us. I quickly explained that I was with their enemy while my other friend considered getting a joint membership for him and his wife; but sensibly decided that it would be better to wait and see if he survived conquering the mountain first.

Early Man

I love Aardvark Animations but I felt that this one let the side down somewhat; perhaps because of its budget. The title suggests prehistoric man and dinosaurs; but the whole space-time continuum is altered slightly when we find that it’s about a game of football and not a mammoth hunt as it suggests earlier. Did they run out of money to make plasticine dinosaurs? And why do the Bronze age characters have this annoying Gaelic accent? Do they not like the French in Bristol? We went to see this show on a mid-afternoon; something that we don’t normally do but I had the day off work and there weren’t any evening shows. This meant cheap tickets but I had to put the effort in to avoid the parking charge. But what confused me most of all were the pensioners. Normally you’d expect them; but this was a kids’ film. Yet somehow it did feel like a cinema as people were laughing in all the right places. But I couldn’t wait to get out and was annoyed that I’d paid to see this; especially when I found out that one of the companies behind it was Amazon Prime Video; so I’d probably be able to watch it three months later for free.

Jennings Cumberland Ale at the Lodore Falls Hotel, Borrowdale

Hunger called us to the Lodore Falls Hotel which had an excellent view of lake Derwent Water. There was plenty of outside seating but it was a bit too cold for sitting outside so we ventured in for lunch. It was a very posh bar inside and I did feel a bit guilty walking in wearing my hiking clobber; but not a word was said and we were made welcome. We sat on leather couches and I opted for a hot burger alongside a pint of Jennings Cumberland Ale. It wasn’t in the best condition but they’d an effort and at least it was local here. The others opted for a selection of tapas dishes which came out in much bigger portions than I’d imagined which was very reasonable considering that the staff were in full waistcoat clobber. A quick chat with them revealed that there was a footpath to the falls directly to the hotel, but we had to walk around their building site first as they were having a spa installed. Unfortunately we ran out of time for this as we didn’t want to miss the last boat back to town.

Throwing in the Towel #towelled

Ben was fed up of being picked on. He’d had enough. He seemed to be the laughing stock of the office; every person he tried to talk to just wasn’t interested; and his parents were always onto him about when he was going to settle down with a nice girl. Today he’d decided to cool off by venting his frustrations at the local gym. He’d got there early but it seemed that so did everyone else. He’d been queuing forever in the car park as every vehicle seemed to stop at the crossing then look for somewhere to drop someone off rather than actually park. He found a space to squeeze into then dodged the queue to reception by swiping his gym card. Heading upstairs, he found the last unoccupied bike and started his usual warm-up routine. As he plugged his earphones into his phone; he’d realised that he’d left his towel in the car. 

Handbagged!

It’s a busy day in Café Luxor. All the tables were filed with patrons; most of them old ladies in velvet hats and coats sipping cups of tea. Occasionally there was the odd table who had opted for something stronger, mainly the locals who propped up the wall tables. Through the window a blue light flashed through the window opposite. A few moments later, two heavily coated men walked into the room. One wore a black pork pie hat and black gloves; the other wore a plain red beanie and white gloves and carried a large red handbag. Ignoring the Maître’s post, they made straight for a vacant table by the window heavily piled with browning cups of tea. They sat down and both slid out the menus from underneath the pile of dirty crockery in one smooth movement and buried their faces in them.

‘Get that bag out of sight! Put it under the table!’ said the smaller man.

‘Sorry boss’ said the other.

‘Don’t call me boss right now, call me Damian.’

‘Why Damian?’

Just then the Maître’s came over.

‘Excuse me monsieurs, this table is not yet ready. If you would kindly wait by the dais I can seat you somewhere much more comfort- ‘

‘Here’s fine’ said Damian.

A Place Up Their Bum

I really hate these overseas property programmes. Firstly, the participants have no personality or interesting characteristics. They’ve obviously got tons of money to boast about, but we barely learn anything about who they are or what they did. We gape gormlessly as we watch them walk through doors and give one-word comments about what they see. I usually disagree completely with their opinion; they may say the room is too dark while I see loads of light shining through. They may enjoy the décor whereas I think it’s hideous. And then there’s the location. How secluded are these houses? It’s all very well viewing it on a quiet Sunday morning but what happens during the Monday commute? You can’t make a decision like that on just one visit. And some of the presenters have very little enthusiasm. Their narration sounds as if they’re reading off cue cards and show no passion whatsoever. It’s a programme for dreamers and not for the working man.

Artemis Fowl and the Lost Colony by Eoin Colfer

Artemis Fowl and the Lost Colony by Eoin Colfer
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

This book was a great page-turner; especially when Minerva’s bodyguards got bored with her antics and decided to pursue their own goals. No-one predicted that and it was quite sudden how they dropped their loyalties. But I found that the action got a little confusing towards the end. I felt that Colfer is getting a bit lazy with some of his characters. Names like Doodah Day and Mr. Paradizo are hardly creative; but then again most of his characters are named as puns after what they do or what they are. I would have have liked to have seen Artemis do a bit more battle with Minerva; once they realise that they share a common goal and she is relieved of her own conflicts there is no use for her whatsoever other than a developmental character to develop Artemis. She doesn’t contribute either, she only compliments. But it’s good to see that Artemis is developing and is moving away from the stereotypical evil genius.

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Meet Alexa

I met Amazon’s Alexa the other day. I’m still trying to work out the point of this; as you need lots of other gadgets to make it work like a smartphone or computer; and an internet connection too. You also need lots of other bits such as internet light bulbs to make it run your home which are quite expensive at the moment. You can ask it to look up a lot of facts but to be honest if you’ve got a smartphone you can just jump on that and get online yourself. I started off by asking for tomorrow’s weather forecast, then asked when she was planning to take over the world, but she told me that she didn’t want to do that and that she only wanted to help. We then played an animal game which she got right but got a bit impatient when we misheard us a couple of times and broke her own rules by not asking a yes or no question. I finished by asking how long would it take for me to drive home and gave my address; but it didn’t understand the question. Mind you, I asked Siri the same thing and she started looking up the nearest forts…

A Kick Around Keswick

After struggling for ideas on where to go the day before, I decided that one of the easier places to visit would be an actual lake. We took an hour’s drive through some stunning scenery along the A66 and arrived in Keswick, parking at the riverside theatre. From here it was a short walk down the hill to Derwent Water where cruises ran hourly. We bought tickets just as the boat was boarding; but the staff waited for us on their very full boat. We’d opted for a hop on and off ticket which meant we’d disembark away from the town for a stroll and be picked up later. The trail was very varied. There was a boardwalk across the marshes with stunning views of the fells beyond. We also walked through the woodlands and saw some beautiful cottages and hedgerows. The trail then joined up with the main road just in time for lunch.

Things are Fine when you take the Time...

I’ve been having problems with my electric toothbrush for ages. It often runs for only two or three charges before it cuts out. I don’t have room to keep it on the mains in the bathroom so it only gets charged between brushes every so often, and at some point it just goes slow then cuts out. I then have to count to ten in my head for every section of teeth that I’m brushing. It was under guarantee a while ago and I could have taken it back but I never did. But this morning; I took a good look at it. I found that there was loads of gunk under the charging point, so it was a wonder that it was charging at all. A scrape of a needle didn’t do anything, but I rammed a corner of a dishcloth down there a few times to get most of the gunk out. I also gave the charger a good scrub and dry as well; and found that on some charges I might not have fully locked the brush into place. It’s amazing what you discover when you take the time. Hopefully I can look forward to a turbo polish tomorrow… 

A Wander Around Whitehaven

Our first outing was to Whitehaven, a harbour towards the south of the county. After getting through the roadworks one of my passengers discovered that she’d forgotten to bring her pills so we had to drive five miles back to pick them up. We arrived just after noon and after a drive round the next problem was where to park. We found a Tesco but that only gave us two hours, half of which was spent wandering round the store. As we finally set off to explore the harbour I spotted some council offices and an empty car park behind it with a raised barrier and absolutely no notices about parking so as it was a Sunday it was a great chance to move the car there. I spent the next hour trying to catch up with the rest of the group! I decided to head towards the dome in the centre of harbour which was actually a shelter.

A Pain in the Ear

I sometimes have problems with my ears. They get blocked with earwax and affect my hearing; then sometimes then sometimes they'd get infected. I'd go to the doctors only to be told there was nothing they could do for two weeks; during which I might try a course of pouring lukewarm olive oil down them with a dropper. This made me walk about with cotton wool in my ear with the occasional yellow stuff oozing out of it. This used to occur on a yearly basis; but since I went swimming I found that there’s been more time between blockages. Lately though, I haven’t been doing any underwater swimming and I wonder if this has had an effect. The latest blockage has been very painful though, and I sometimes wonder if I’ll ever recover. The trouble is that getting a doctor’s appointment is an absolute nightmare because of all the old people hogging up the phonelines. There should be a special service for taxpayers.

A Loo With a View

Our new digs are amazing! I’m in a converted children’s attic room all to myself. There’s a bunk bed which I can use as a shelf and a comfy chair for reading. If I lean up out of bed there’s a skylight where I can see the sea. It’s a bit difficult to turn the light off though. There’s two other rooms either side of me then downstairs there’s a large en-suite bedroom facing the sea then another set of stairs to two more rooms and a bathroom. Another set of stairs takes me to a small kitchen but I bet they didn’t plan for nine people each needing special diets. There’s also a small comfy lounge with a TV and many tiny trinkets and a very posh dining room. Another set of stairs takes me to a loo with a view; though folks can see you too. Then you go underground into what seems like the basement; but it’s actually on par with the street in the next road. Here there’s a small outdoor patio for barbecues as well as a laundry room and a second fridge which came in handy. Finally, there’s a games room. One room with a pool table and a second with a sofa; a small foosball table and shelves full of books and places to visit.

Command & Conquer: Generals

I recently fished out Command & Conquer: Generals. It’s a classic game where you get to build up a huge army to beat the computer; proving that man can conquer machine. It was a difficult game to install until I found out that you had to uninstall a new Windows driver which for some reason prevented old Windows XP games from running. The skirmish levels let you practice with each army and allows you to build up a force to your heart’s content before setting off to crush the enemy. What I’ve found is that in the early stages of the game the computer really attempts to crush you before you’ve even decided on a battle plan; but as soon as you’ve conquered the map’s resources it just sits there with minimal resistance. It’s a shame that you really do have to babysit each unit you build and that you can’t make a general battle plan. Some will just sit there and take fire without a thought of fighting back. 

War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy

War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy
My rating: 1 of 5 stars

It’s done. One of the biggest bricks that I’ve ever read has finally been completed. And what a bore it was. I think I found the sixth chapter quite entertaining with the bear and the drunken officers taking bets while hanging outside of the window; but that was it. There were also too many visits and soirees going on in the first half of the novel so it was difficult to work out who the main characters were. Tolstoy also became quite vague and lazy in his later conversations; for example when Pierre proposes we’re told it’s in the usual manner and doesn’t go into any detail of descriptions of love. I also found this particular edition quite irritating with parts written in both Russian and French which required having to scroll to the bottom of the page each time to read the French translation. It does give an interesting insight into life during the Napoleonic Wars but that’s all that it’s got going for it.

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Twice Upon a Time

Christmas specials are usually tales of tradition and inspiration but this one was just too dark and dull with barely any humour at all. It was just too slow and tragic, and perhaps a world war setting would have been better put with its own episode rather than combining it with one of regeneration to give it the respect that it deserved. And the doctors didn’t actually do anything to achieve the peace of Christmas Day. It was also tragic to officially declare the deaths of Bill and Nardole. I quite liked their ends in the series finale, and imagined Nardole growing old looking after his human family. Then again, this could still happen as it is a show about time travel. But I suppose this is what you get for last-minute writing. Finally, the controversial Jodie Whittaker makes her first appearance with a David Tennant-esque entrance and a Matt Smith-like plot line. Here we go again…

Wi-Fi in the Digs!

I’m back in Cumbria! I’m in a small village which is just outside the Lake District but we’re coastal! I arrived in Allonby and after missing the turn for the road and parking outside a café, I explore my new surroundings. I wander through the backstreets looking for the correct house. The problem is that they’re all names rather than numbers. If you had to name a building; wouldn’t it be easier if they were alphabetical? I decide to go to the café. After all, I could ask them and make a call; and if they didn’t know at least I had some kind of shelter. And then the gang arrived; all four of them, piling out of a tiny car right in front of where we were staying. After a brief reunion we headed inside our new digs. The next dilemma was where to park, as it was all street parking. I decided that the best place for me was to park alongside our wall on the cobbled street which gave enough room for a passing car. I just hoped I wasn’t in a local’s spot.

Good or Bad?

There’s a headline in the news today that a man’s wife died three months ago but he still reads her text messages every day. Is this good or bad? Of course, it’s a tragedy that someone’s lost their wife. But what we don’t know is the stuff in between. Are these messages of love that she’s sent to him, or is it simply his to-do list? Did they love each other or are these insults; or simply a record of pastimes that they did together? Is it his phone? Maybe it’s his wife’s phone that he’s using and there’s still a great deal of people out there who aren’t aware that she’s died. Is he prying into her affairs or is he simply trying to find the PIN number for the joint account? There’s a great deal of the unknown here. Also, is it really headline news? It might make you go ‘ahh’ but do you really care?

Hambleton Stallion at the George Hotel, Easingwold

Our destination was Scarborough and we’d just passed York and I’d picked out a countryside pub for a stop to grab a snack and stretch our legs. For this we headed into the charming village of Easingwold. We parked at the local sports centre and wandered straight into the middle of the village where was very bustling for a Thursday afternoon. It was just past lunchtime but there were plenty of schoolchildren about all kicked out in green blazers and every bench was occupied. We spotted a Spar and made for some hot sausage rolls, then found a pub that was shut for lunch but the bar was still open. The décor was very blue but the barmaid was friendly and quite chatty. She even gave us directions to avoid the traffic into Scarborough, but this involved following a pensioner for half an hour down a farm track where we had to stop to let the ducks cross the road.

Altogether When?

Hats off to Aberdeen council; who last year decided to do away with all this party policy nonsense and work together as a team in the best interests of their city (yes, I know, there’s a lot of e-mail that I need to get through). Unfortunately, their overlords weren’t impressed with this approach of trying to solve their differences with the enemy as they were veering away from the national herd. As a result, they were immediately suspended from their political party. What a shame. It would have been interesting to see what this united cross-party council could achieve having put aside their differences. It would have been great to see this kind of thinking leading the way across the country; literally from the top of the land. I hope that these local heroes didn’t have much faith in their party and went forth to build a better Aberdeen as independent councillors. Go Aberdeen! 

Scribbo Comes to Town (name in progress...)

Meet Scribbo, the alien that you can barely see! Whenever you grace a bar, Scribbo will always be there watching. He’s the epiphany of common sense that you really need to listen to before ordering another pint or staying up late to watch one more episode or play one more level. His presence reminds you that you really need to function tomorrow and that you have to sacrifice your enjoyment now in order to have an early night so that you can get tasks accomplished tomorrow. He’ll spring up like a cloud as soon as you think that you’ll be OK. He’ll light up the path that you’re shying away from and lead you down a trail of enjoyment but also a trail of future desperation. He can appear in a corner of a pub as you turn towards the bar, or on a flight of stairs just as you’re thinking of avoiding them. So listen to Scribbo for greatness, or ignore him if you just wanna have fun.

Wilko Woes

I don’t shop at Wilko’s very often. It’s almost like a convenience store; albeit it’s in the town centre so it’s not that convenient for me as I don’t go down there very often. I often buy on price and in this case I was after a printer cartridge. Wilko’s just happened to be the cheapest and most convenient place. The store was just a short walk from home to obtain my purchase. As I don’t visit very often I placed my order online which guaranteed my item to be there; but I did have to wait two days for it to arrive. I also spent some time yelling at the computer to place my order only to realise that I hadn’t selected the required store at the bottom. They could have made it clearer though. I wonder what my experience would be if I ventured in for the walk-in price; or would it be in stock? I should check this out on my next visit. I’m now on their mailing list and seem to be invited to every product range under the sun; including their new lines of bird feed and fabric softeners. They really do seem to get excited about this; but the information they portray is practically useless. Unsubscribed.

Exe Valley Exeter Old Bitter at the Rising Sun, Redditch

Is this straight or is this crooked? The image itself is quite straight but the bar that it’s perched on and the pump clip are both at an angle. But why is this? Is this a result of digital editing? Can I get a better angle? Am I standing on a slope or am I standing on one leg? Or have I simply drunk too much beer? After all, this photograph was taken quite late in the evening. At most times you only need a quick snap but if you were professional you’d spend ages re-arranging the pump clip and working out where the best place to stand would be. What would be great is some kind of tool to align the background with the subject; bur of course this would require much re-arranging, especially if people were involved. Some would have to crouch and everyone would have to lean on some sort of support pole to get them at the correct angle. 

Materialistic Oprah

"If you look at what you have in life, you'll always have more. If you look at what you don't have in life, you'll never have enough." -Oprah Winfrey

We can get too dependent on our possessions. This can be quite common in young households where the kids run riot breaking everything in their path. Some things are easily replaceable; while others are older than some people we know. And it’s when these possessions get broken the ease to replace them becomes a lot more difficult. But if I have a house, I don’t necessarily have more. It could be destroyed and I may not have insurance so I may not have a house in the future. But Aunty Oprah wants you to focus on the people. But it doesn’t help the down and out people in poverty. They probably don’t want more kids, more bills and more fresh air because they don’t have a roof over their heads. But her statement isn’t going to inspire you to do anything about your situation. Unless, of course, you have thousands of pounds from a media empire and Oprah is actually encouraging you to donate some money and create some happiness. 

Standards

For years I’ve been frustrated at work by the fact that my colleagues just dump stuff in the aisles for me to deal with. There’s been empty boxes that they magically expect them to disappear into the depths of the stockroom. There’s been stock dumped in the gangways for me to deal with. And then there’s the state of the boxes. For years we’ve been trained to look out for damaged goods as soon as they’ve been unloaded and that they’re kept away from the customer for as long as possible. We might need to let a customer know that there’s a delay in their order because the item is damaged and decide that it’s just too tatty to sell. It’s a mark of excellence to deliver the best quality products and it also saves time at the collection desk so that the customer doesn’t hold you up to inspect the goods. Now we have to haggle with them and offer a discount on sight. It’s as if we’re appearing to try and shift second-hand goods. It’s not good practice and it’s not what we should be doing.

Putting the Hammer Down

I have a friend who’s a big Marvel fan and he’s also a big kid at heart. When we were on our student’s holiday last year he kept getting in touch; and as one of our friends was a big collector of plushie toys he tasked her with obtaining him a plushie Mjolnir. Inspired by this; I ordered one from e-Bay for £15 from a character fancy dress shop as a birthday gift. What a piece of crap. The handle was too light and ridiculously short for its plushie head. A bit of strength could see the head fly right off. With a bit more planning; I could have bought him the decent one from Argos complete with a sturdy springy plastic handle for vibrations complete with sound effects. And it would have been in the 3 for 2 toys offer as well. But, having seen the movie; this inferior axe makes more sense as it’s more likely to break; just as Mjolnir is destroyed by Hela in the film.

Stardust Motion at the Grenfell Arms, Maidenhead

This was a large red- bricked building with two large wood-panelled rooms; the second of which we didn’t explore as it was felt that it was set aside for diners. The drinker’s corner had plenty of small tables and bar stools in its centre with a few proper tables and chairs facing the window. It was occupied by a few astonished locals who were baffled with this invasion from our bus, but they decided to keep to themselves. The bar staff were quite young but seemed pleased to see us on what would have been a quiet late Saturday afternoon. The bar was central to the pub and was made to serve both rooms at the same time. Being first of the bus, I had a good chance at the first shout on the beers available; and went for Motion by Stardust; a delicious dark beer that was kept very well. Impressed by the quality of the first beer, I decided to sample another. Nice arse by the way.

The Dodgy Spell Checker

Do you see the pint? Or have you got your beer goggles on? Spell checkers can work wonders but if you’ve spelt the word right and put it in the wrong place then it can cause havoc for your readers; especially if you don’t go back and check what you’ve written. After all, most people prefer a roof over their head than a room. And it seems that Word is one of the slowest programs available. It’s the last to load; and if you get a spur of inspiration while you’re typing; sometimes it just can’t keep up. You’ll get the blue circle rolling for a while then it’ll miss out vital words in your sentence. If you’re in the middle of typing a word and you’re lucky then the spellchecker will pick it up and display a distractingly wavy red line underneath the text. You’ve then got to stop and wait for the suggestion to load, but sometimes it’s quicker to just click back and do it yourself. But if the spellchecker hasn’t picked it up then your point becomes a pint which makes it look like you’ve been drinking instead of proofreading your document. People are bombarded with too much information these days so your reader might skim read it and not notice any difference. But if there’s one incoherent word in your sentence then your reader will tear you apart.

Bless this Beer

Welcome to the first of our Sunday worships here in this very tavern. While we await the funds of our current parish to come to fruition, our good Landlord has generously granted use of his premises until our goal is complete. We will now pass the collecting plate around which takes the form of this empty pork scratching bag. While the bag is being passed around, you may like to know that we have white communion wine available instead of red this week; as I understand that it was a busy evening in here last night. Also, our service will be cut short this week owing to the early kick-off of the Six Nations Rugby tournament. This may explain why some of our TV-facing seats are already occupied this morning. Now please join me in standing to sing today’s first hymn which will be played on our youth choir’s keyboard. Oh. Does anyone have any batteries? 

The Redbreast by Jo Nesbo

Hole is your stereotypical detective who works behind the lines; only he’s got much more influence over his colleagues due to an incident early on in the novel. You’d be forgiven for thinking that this was set in America if you removed all the place names from the novel. I found the flashbacks between the past and the present very confusing at first as I lost my place between them and I couldn’t work out the context between them or bring the characters into the present when the storyline requested them. There were also too many giveaways; I knew where the ending would take place as I was told much earlier. It therefore felt a bit boring to follow Hole’s line of enquiry only to find out the antagonist’s plans in the next chapter. I thought that this book was written by a woman until I read the copyright notice at the end. 

Gun Brewery Pale Ale at the Nag's Head, Reading

Found just off a side street from the main road; this beautiful merchant’s house looks as if it’s been going for many a year. I’d expected it to be quite modern inside; but it was quite the opposite. The bar was packed with handpumps and the pub was even more busy; with loads of locals sat down on low-level stools to watch the sports above. There was a board game corner that was fully put to use alongside a selection of books. Clearly this is a pub to while away your time in. I decided to escape the local life and decided to wander outside for the others where there was more made-up seating in the sun consisting of benches made of beer barrels; and further up the rear car park was a marquee for outdoor events which had a few tables for people who wanted to hide away from the main crowd. When I returned for a second half, the bus had slowly started to creep in.