Zombies in the Shopping Centre #dreamdiary21

It’s late at night and I’m on my way home from the pub. I’ve got a great kebab and I decide to eat it in the market rather than wait until I get home. I sit on the steps leading up to the shopping centre and tuck into chicken and chilli. It’s gorgeous and all eyes are on the delicious grilled food to create as little mess as possible. When I finally look up, there’s a huge horde of zombies crawling towards me. In a panic, I run up the steps and try the doors to the shopping centre. Amazingly, they’re unlocked, so I push open the doors and turn around. Unfortunately, there’s nothing to barricade the doors with, so the only choice is to head further inside. In a corner by the entrance to a supermarket, two zombified security guards are consuming the flesh of a shelf-stacker. I tiptoe past and head inside the store. If I can reach the deli counter, I might be able to find a butcher’s knife big enough to defend myself with…

The Ill Prepared Scout

I had a friend who had a mission to get to Kinver Scout camp for some survival training. Being a Yorkshireman he didn’t know the area that well and hadn’t done his homework. He’d managed to find a rail connection to Kidderminster, but the last bus had left and there were no taxis to be found. Instead of visiting a local pub to get the number of a local taxi firm, he decided to roam Kidderminster in the hope of finding one. By the time he’d found someone to take him to Kidderminster, the office had closed, and there was no-one to check him in other than knocking for help on the door of some female teenagers; of which he was a bit embarrassed to do for fear of being called a pervert. Instead, he decided to take shelter in a telephone box and set out for help the following morning.  After his first tiring day of training he took an early afternoon nap then after waking up he found that everyone else had headed to the village to get food. He decided to freshen up then use his charm to blag some free food, but unfortunately the shower was in a different complex which meant that he’s locked himself out in the rain again. It’s not nice when you can’t find any friends to help you.

Timothy Taylor Landlord at the Eagle, Redditch

The Eagle is a traditional local drinking hole. It’s a pub that has never had anything special going on for it other than looking after its locals. It has a horseshoe bar which stretches across two rooms; one with a dartboard and a lounge with a fireplace. At the rear, it has a large beer garden with a fantastic view over the ridge of the town below. It’s never been famously known for its real ales, but lately it has four on under its new tenants. It also has a cider on, but it predominantly caters for its lager dwellers. It’s very big on sports and a large TV dominates the corner of the boar, while a corridor interlinking the two rooms has a karaoke machine. I once remember waiting ten minutes to get served while the barmaid stood in the wash room texting. It’s never been known for its service; it’s more known as a place for people to go and have a local conversation.

What's Inside?

What’s inside the cave over there?

Could it be a big brown bear?

Its tall red walls can easily hide

A giant on the other side.

From here it looks quite dark.

Perhaps it’s the home of a bat named Mark?

Or maybe it’s where the monsters live.

Do they exist? I’m not going to fib.

Up above, the birds do watch

But they stay upon their notch

In fear of the dark inside

And the growling that comes from the wide

Entrance of the cave,

Wondering who will be brave

Enough to venture in

And discover the mystery within?

The grass around is perfect for

A game of golf or a walking tour.

And the bushes resting upon its cliff

Contains lots of pollen that makes you want to sniff.

Many people do pass by

But they don’t go in and I don’t know why

So grab a torch and let’s go see

What’s inside the cave in front of me.

Purity Mad Goose at the Gate Hangs Well, Redditch

The Gate Hangs Well is known as an old man’s pub. It’s a traditional drinking boozer which has always had the reputation of a pub for conversation. It’s been the meeting point for many a night out. Its traditional beams have been present ever since the pub was used as a turnpike for the roads in olden times. And today the pub is little different. It has a great reputation for keeping its ales in great condition; but its tie to the pubcos does not do it any favours. High end prices and a restriction on its guest beers has put many people off in the past. It has occasionally tried to create a loyalty following with collector’s cards and a loyalty raffle; but these attempts have been abandoned in recent years. It does have a loyal quiz following with excellent prizes if you can beat the odds. And the food menu is quite novel when it is available. But the licensee will only open when he expects to be busy; he likes to keep his overheads low and only opens during peak times.

Permitted Development Rights

The UK is losing 21 pubs every week. This figure has declined in recent years (in 2015 it was 27 pubs a week) but it’s still an ongoing concern for many communities. Across the country, many people have come together to form action groups and have listed over 2,000 pubs as Assets of Community Value. But these volunteers have highlighted frustrations in these applications which goes through a lengthy bureaucratic process and still leaves many loopholes which allows the pub to be demolished.

CAMRA is now looking to bring about legislation which would cause a halt to permitted development rights to pubs; a practice that currently allows pubs to be converted or demolished without going through a full and transparent planning process. When planning permission is not required, there is no opportunity for local people to have a say on changes connected with the property.

As Pint Taken went to press, the House of Lords were debating the Neighbourhood Planning Bill which called for the removal of permitted development rights from pubs. CAMRA members across the country wrote to Terence Higgins (KBE DL) to persuade him to support the campaign.

Parks and Recreation

This comedy is pure genius. At first it starts out as a mockumentary, and the style takes a little getting used to. It’s about a dysfunctional municipal government department in a fictional town of America. We start with the tale of a young government employee who is enthusiastic enough to battle it out with your worn-out typical bureaucrats. Along the way, she looks after her team who; after dealing with each of their individual battles; become loyal enough to support her when she decides to run for office. Her political dreams take a downturn in later episodes, but her recovery plan is ingenious and creates a very creative exit for the programme. And the sets are ingenious; they evolve from just an office and a park to full-on location visits featuring a number of cameo celebrity appearences. The comedy is very deadpan and typically follows the pattern of The Office, but its execution is perfect and will make you want to follow the characters again and again. 

Caveman

As we watch from a distance, we see the adult male stretch outside to greet the typical morning sun. As the sun rises, he gives a traditional ‘ugh’ before beckoning his family out to join him. The ‘ugh’ is for him only and is the one ounce of freed om that he is allowed outside of his family tribe. As the family gathers, Mrs. Caveman prepares to boil water in a small bronzed pot over a fire. The son who is slightly smaller than the female, strikes up sticks in an attempt to create fire. After several failures, the father takes the sticks off him and throws them away. He then points in the direction of the wood that we are hiding, indicating that he should gather more wood. As he approaches our hideaway, he stops and smells the air. After glancing around, he smells again. Suddenly, he chants and waves to his father. I believe that we have been discovered. 

Three Shires Hafren at the White Hart, Redditch

The White Hart has had a strange tradition for real ale. In the past, it’s served one beer which was London Pride, or Sarason’s Vinegar as the White Hart Morris Men used to call it. It’s also had a reputation as a gay pub. It has always hosted a bowls club; though I’ve never quite worked out where the green is. There’s also been an attempt to host a private club; though the membership price was a little extensive. After that there were rumours of using the back room as a steak restaurant. Nowadays, it serves as a hotel with five rooms and live music at weekends. There’s usually one generic real ale, but it seems to be kept well. Occasionally, it’s surprised us with the offering of a local guest; though it always falls back onto a national brand later. There’s also been occasions when music takes priority and we’re not allowed entry; as well as occasions when there’s no beer at all. We used to pop in during the week but it was so dead that we  felt sorry that they were open.

Hobbit Hole

At first glance, you think you’re looking at a set from the Lord of the Rings. It’s certainly not something that you’d expect to find on a cliff in Staffordshire, and we didn’t see any signs of the little people. They probably heard us and ran away into the woods. But what could this be used for? Is it an actual entrance? Or is it an air raid shelter camouflaged from above hence the green door? There’s certainly enough foliage around. Or is it merely the coal scullery for those cold winter nights? It’s odd that there’s some sort of crazy paving pathway leading up to its door; yet it’s not quite wide enough for a path. Maybe it was designed for a wheelbarrow. Or perhaps the hobbits themselves actually dwelled here, and some of them felt posh. Maybe it’s the hobbit equivalent of having a red carpet outside your castle. Just don’t set foot off the grass; for there be dragons.

The McDonalds Reunion #mcdonaldsmutterings3

I was sitting in McDonalds eating breakfast. It was fairly early on a Saturday and the shoppers had just started to come in. This included the chavs. A fat family came in and the mother went to order while the son and father went to get seats. And then the daughter came in. What a beautiful reunion. There were hugs all around asking how was she and where her girls were and what was she up to? Apparently she was on her way up to Birmingham and the girls were in another shop. The mother clearly thought this was an act of class. Then the food arrived and the father who hadn’t said a word announced that his third McMuffin was missing but told the mother not to worry. Is it that bad that family reunions now take place in a town centre McDonalds with a distance of only three miles apart? Only in Redditch.

Chimney

This chimney clearly shows that no job is too small to get the task done. It may look ugly, but it certainly does the job. It’s practical but it’s shabby. It’s a small price to pay so that you can have elegance inside while still having access to modern amenities. The brickwork above the house has been placed to prevent draughts taking place inside (of which you can barely notice), but outside it stands out like a sore thumb and it really ruins the character of the building. The corner joint may have been created because the stone was too hard to knock through, unless they wanted to preserve a feature on top of the cliffs. There’s no point in having a sunroof if you’re going to be blasted by smoke. Or if you’re too busy enjoying the comfort inside; you won’t care which way the winds blows outside anyway. 

Hobsons Twisted Spire at the Holly Bush Inn, Belbroughton

This small pub has stood the test of time, and has fought off a range of cellar floods to become one of the oldest and best pubs in Worcestershire. Its beer quality is excellent; and now that the range is exclusive to Hobsons, it’s one of the better places to seek out their beers. The pub is built up from a set of terraced cottages which were used to house local farm workers; and the three distinct rooms each represent a section of each house. Food is served and if you like your wooden timber pubs and fireplaces in the corner then it’s a must visit. It’s also a bugger to get to, since there’s a huge duel carriageway alongside it; and you either have to drive all the way down to the roundabout to turn around and hope that you don’t miss the exit on the way back; or drive through narrow country lanes in the hope that people who haven’t got a clue about how to drive on country lines aren’t going to come towards you.

Victorian Kitchen

I’ve just put the loaf in the oven. The sun is shining outside but it’s still winter. The kids are outside raiding the local allotments and collecting firewood to keep the stove burning for tonight. I’ve been up all morning sweeping the dust out of the kitchen, and I’ve also answered a few letters. But right now, it’s quiet and peaceful. I’ve got my favourite chair right in front of the fire to keep myself cosy. The window’s open a crack to get rid of that damp smell, and so that I can hear the children in case someone upsets them. I suppose I should clear the table ready for supper. But it’s so warm in here that I’m ready to drift off. The kids aren’t allowed back in unless rain stops play or the church bells starts to ring for evening mass. I do hope it doesn’t rain today.  

Scary Lift #dreamdiary20

I’m in a lift. It’s a large metal lift and it’s quite big and I’m one of the first people to enter so I head to the corner at the back. Everyone else piles in and the door closes. There’s a man next to me wearing jeans and a baseball cap. Suddenly, he starts kicking me in the corner. He’s laughing and his friend starts laughing while everyone else starts backing away from us. He does this twice and it’s very annoying so I punch him in the face and he falls flat on the floor in the back of the lift. Everyone exits in a panic then stands around the lift watching me inside. I just casually walk out and stroll down the corridor. Then his friend walks behind me and grips my shoulder and says ‘Hey, you!’ I floor him too and carry on walking down the corridor towards the shopping centre.

Kinver Caves

Over on the border between Worcestershire and Staffordshire is a small village named Kinver. Overlooking the village is a series of rocks known as Kinver Edge, a series of red sandstone rocks with a flat mound at the top for farmland and walking. Within the rocks is a series of caves which have been carved into homes over time. It’s now owned by the National Trust and makes for a perfect visit. Within the caves are paintings from the early settlers and living amenities that are fairly modern. There’s also a history of the local area; and volunteers are on hand to tell the tale of the people who once lived there. The cave houses have offered shelter to many; from local tradesmen who were originally just passing through to travelling gypsies with very large families. At the top is a tea shop with perfect views of the village. Prices are reasonable but it’ll be a bit cramped if you’re looking for somewhere to sit. 

Navigation Britannia at the Vernon Arms, Hanbury

I get invited to visit a lot of pubs in my voluntary work for CAMRA; but what I don’t appreciate is not being welcomed when I make an effort to visit a pub when they’ve specifically asked me to come and visit. The pub had undergone a refurbishment and had tried to create a look that was a standalone gourmet restaurant that is separate to its adjoining hotel. I was originally told that they were interested in taking out an advert in our local magazine, and to host one of our meetings. I decided to visit on a Thursday night when things weren’t too busy. I arrived at the bar and ordered a pint where it seemed to be a bit of an Old Boy’s club. I introduced myself to the young barmaid and asked to speak to the manager and a woman came back asking what the problem was. I showed her the magazines and she said that she would get in touch, but I haven’t heard anything from them since. But the beer was very good.

Vicky Stock

Redditch and Bromsgrove CAMRA were sad to learn that their friend and supporter Vicky Stock lost her battle with breast cancer in January. Vicky enjoyed her stouts and was always keen to get stuck in and volunteer; especially at beer festivals where she helped on the merchandise stand and ran the charity stall for Macmillan Cancer Support. She served on Redditch & Bromsgrove CAMRA’s committee as branch secretary for two years; and also took minutes for the Bromsgrove Beer Festival planning committee. Vicky had a great love of music, and played bass for Blackwell Concert Band at many events across Worcestershire while serving as their secretary. She was also a fundraising volunteer for Macmillan Cancer Support, and often combined her interests to organise events to help raise funds. She was a passionate person who always had a positive outlook on life, and will be sadly missed. Our thoughts are with Vicky’s husband Tim and her family and friends.

Horny Fairy #dreamdiary19

I'm staying with some university friends at a hotel. We've hired a large communal attic room, and there are many armless sofas pushed together with bedsheets which surround a large television. We've decided to watch X-men 3 as our retiring movie, and it's also time for us to make ourselves comfortable for the evening. We each grab a number of pillows and blankets to mark our territory. My friend's in a corner and I'm right in front of him. All of a sudden, a blonde fairy climbs in besides me and wants to snuggle up next to me. Then she changes her mind and wants to snuggle up to my friend. Then she wants to snuggle up to both of us. I'm obviously disappointed but there's no way that I'm getting involved in a thrteesome with another guy. The others are naturally disturbed by this and the film gets paused and the lights go on while many people want to change their position away from the love nest, and the fairy has to decide once and for all where she wants to sleep. 

The Kinver Maize Maze

While on our way to visit the caves in Kinver, we came across a maize maze. It’s run by a local farm shop and encourages people to visit the maze with their kids to spend a bit more time in Kinver. It was a bit on the pricey side for two adults to go in and it was also designed with kids in mind but we were up for a bit of fun after our drive. The maze didn’t seem that big but was stretched out over a field on a hill. At first, we weren’t sure whether the rows were planted as pathways or as part of the plantation, but we soon got used to the openings to work out our route. Along the way, we were required to collect letters printed on signs of tractors to earn our prize; but we soon worked the anagram out. There was also a pipe that I insisted that I crawl through to get our money’s worth, and a bridge across a pit.

Sharp's Doom Bar at the Royal Oak, Studley

The Royal Oak in Studley has passed through many licensees. It’s one of those pubs that try to offer everything and hasn’t made up its mind as to what it wants to do. Its main asset is a large room at the ream with a stage for bands to perform; though they’ve never had any major acts. During the week, they use the space well to host a pool table. There’s also a large comfy lounge in the corner as well as a side room for people to sit and chat. The ale isn’t the best in choice but there’s always something on and it’s usually of good quality. But what they don’t make use of any more is the front room. It’s previously been used as a restaurant and quiet room, but in later years the menu has been cut back to tapas and I’m not sure if the newest owners are even serving food. It’s a pub to watch.

The Bouncy Castle

There’s something amazing about the bouncy castle. I’ve always wondered what it would be like to live in one. Obviously it would be very expensive to have the air pump on all the time. Perhaps you would turn it off at night to go to sleep then top it up in the morning when you’re ready for a morning workout. Plus the larger sized bouncy castles are harder to come by. You need more room for them and they take up a lot more space. So this is partly why I enjoy my niece’s birthday party, as they always have a small one for her in their back garden. I wait until all her friends have gone home, so it’s just me and her to play and jump around as much as we want without hurting anyone. Although last time we did spend a lot of time running away from monsters around the bouncy castle as well.

Apocalypse #dreamdiary18

Apocalypse has just hit town. There's screaming and panicking as people flee from his wrath. He's just flattened a large square and has stopped a large crowd of people. They literally collapse to the floor; never to move again. We retire to a hotel where I discover that there's one real ale hiding on the corner of the bar, but I only notice this after I've ordered a bottled beer. I retire to a terraced balcony with red and white stripped canopies. A newspaperman is selling the evening papers. The headline is Apocalypse's entrance into town. Then the X-men arrive to fight Apocalypse. We decide to follow them to watch the fight. The army has also been called in to shoot all mutants. Panic sets up again and people start to flee. We head down the hill towards the army but they open fire over us, to we taker shelter on a balcony. We turn around to see the army machine-gun Cyclops and Storm in thr chest.

Acorn Hoptathlon at the Rising Sun, Redditch

I’ve always wanted to run a marathon. The trouble is that I’ve no experience in running long distances competitively. How well will I do in comparison to my fellow competitors? A small local event would be ideal, but I may need to train for that. I’ve done small runs on the machines at the gym, and I did try for a long-distance cross-country run last year; but gave up after mile two after I developed blisters. And that’s because I was wearing the wrong kind of socks over a brand new pair of gym shoes. This is one thing that I’d like to try just as soon as I get my gym workouts up to date. I just need a boost to keep clearing the backlog. I seem to throw a lot of opportunities away and just freeze up. If I can squeeze one extra workout a week in, then eventually I’ll catch up. But I’m currently a month behind.

Biggles Ventures out of Bradford

‘Lovely day for a spin, old chap.’

‘Is it really? It’s rather cloudy and wet out. Won’t be able to see a darn thing.’

‘Ah, but it’ll be lovely and quiet. It’s the perfect opportunity to test our air stunts.’

‘Quite’.

Biggles leapt into the cockpit, fastened up his fleece-lined leather jacket, and tied on his scarf before putting on his leather gloves. He popped the key into the ignition. ‘Spin when ready.’

Jeeves struggled to make it in front of the plane in the gale wind. ‘Are you really sure about this sir?’

‘Come on now lad, let’s get this old bird up there.’

Jeeves pulled the cord to turn the propeller. ‘Fire it up’.

Biggles turned the key and the engine spluttered into life. ‘Chocs away’.

Jeeves kicked away the wooden props away from the landing gear and the plane began inching forward.

‘Jump in old boy, this bird sure is keen to fly today.’

And Jeeves sprang in just in time; as he jumped onto the wing a second gust of wind forced the aircraft forwards with a jerk, and he fell headfirst into the passenger seat.

Brightside Vienna Lager at the Rocklands Social Club, Redditch

The Rocklands Social Club has been a local haunt of ours for a few years now. It’s a private member’s club and we’re not exactly members, but we always make sure that they’ve got copies of our local magazine available; and we always pop in for a few pints in return. They usually have beers on that we’ve never heard of, or at least have beers that are harder to find in other venues. It’s a traditional bar with comfy seating, and there’s a large function room which hosts a variety of events. But lately some problems have arisen. They’ve cut down from four beers to three; and lately their beer range has been a bit repetitive. It’s almost as if they’ve stopped caring. One of the locals told me that the week after Christmas; they had two national brand beers on and not much else. Two years ago, I would have signed up for full time membership without a shot. But nowadays, it seems that the club has other priorities.

The Juicy Pear #dreamdiary17

The Juicy Pear is a pub in Bristol opposite a large canal junction. It's actually a hotel with a terraced bar at the top and many rooms containing smaller bars. The entrance has a circular lobby with a reception desk and double doors leading off to the rooms upstairs. Alongside the stairs to the first floor is a large open-plan dining room with tables on different levels to accommodate the stairs. I can't get to the first floor as it's a breakfast room and there's a table and stool blocking the way while they clear away the morning meals. There's a table with a small plate of baked beans on it. I return to the lobby and take another staircase which is much more closed but is wide enough to let two people travel up and down at the same time. At the top is a small windowed bar in a corridor which is absolutely packed. I eventually get served and opt for a bottled beer which I take through an outside balcony covered with red and white stripped canopies, and find my friends on a corner table with a fantastic view of the canal.

Animal Sloth at the Rocklands Social Club, Redditch

Behold the ale drinker. They are a strange breed that are usually seen in early afternoons; and gather more prominently at the weekends. Most of them are quite old in nature and will happily stand in your way at the bar just as you are attempting to get served. Some may peer around the room nervously at the décor; these are more likely to be newcomers to the room. These people are especially distinguished by their round bellies and will scorn anyone drinking fizzy material and may even go so far as to avoid them. If they address you, they believe themselves to be representatives of the empire and expected to be treated as such for their presence. They tend to impart knowledge rather than collect it; and discuss some of the most boring topics imaginable with stereotypical opinions; often without any research in the matter. However, they are extremely good fun to mock.

Sadlers's Full Moko at the Spread Eagle, Acocks Green

After attending a local beer festival, we decided to check out the local Wetherspoons before heading home. It was also a Thursday night so if the place was quiet enough, we would maybe have a curry there too. As we entered the place was busy with diners and tables full of empty dishes, but not many people were there for the beer. the pub itself was in the high street area of the town, so it was the perfect place for shoppers to wind down with a meal before heading home. It’s named after a neighbouring pub which was demolished some time ago. Perhaps it was a bikers’ pub hosting a chapter of Birmingham’s Hell’s Angels. We decided to just have a quick visit and use our voucher and do a survey then have tea at home with maybe a farewell pint once we’d got off the train. An uninspiring Wetherspoons, but it’s there to serve food to the locals. 

Harviestoun Summer Legend at the Weighbridge, Alvechurch

Here, they come, those summer legends. Their work is done; they have served good ale to the people of Worcestershire. In they come in dips and drabs to collect their reward; their first lunchtime pint of the weekend. Many admire them as they approach the bar to collect their golden nectar; some even rise to shake their hand in appreciation of their hard work and reminisce their favourite beers and moments. Questions are asked about the remaining beers; how many beers were poured away; and how tired the legends are feeling. Once their pint is poured, the legends are allowed to slowly withdraw to the outside room where they gather with the elite to await their afternoon feast. For after this is completed there remains just one more task; just one more; to unload the car and pack away its contents. Once this achieved, bliss is surely claimed as their reward for their hard graft of the previous week.

Spy Games

‘So there’s an opportunity for infiltration?’

‘Yes, but only for a cleaner. It’s going to be difficult.’

‘Well, the special relationship is only for the British and the Americans. The person who usually undertakes these jobs is an international so that the language barrier reduces their chance of interpreting anything important. And they’re only allowed access to certain areas at certain times. Our only hope is that someone slips up and leaves something important lying around.’

‘So we need an agent who can blend in with an ear on the ground.’

‘That’s right. They used to issue their maintenance personnel with headphones playing set tracks so that they couldn’t hear any conversations.’

‘Perhaps we could hack these headphones and use them as a transmitter?’

‘No, they’re issued before they’re allowed into the main station. If someone needs a job doing, they have to call the control desk to tell the maintenance worker what to do.’

‘But they are inside the dome?’

‘Without question.’

‘Then we’ll have to design something that can slip through their search protocols.’