Watching the Woodland Cottage

We are the watchers of pubs. We are concerned for their welfare. We check when they’re closed, and again when they’re open. In general, we update the pub database to let people know where they can go to get a pint. We also check opening ideas to keep the current licensees happy, as they get a free web presence. But it’s all run by a team of volunteers. When we make a mistake, we don’t mean any harm. All the licensee has to do is to contact us with the correct information. At the end of the day it’s their business that we’re promoting for free. But it’s when they pipe up and moan that causes the problems. Why should I have to do it? And there’s other ways for them to promote their business. They may even be serving members without knowing it. The only true way to know who your members are is to get them to show a membership card at the bar. And if you want to get to know us, you’ll have to give us a reason to do so.

Christmas Shopping in June

I’ve started my Christmas shopping centre since I’ve thought up ideas for people. The first thing I got hold of was a foot spa for Mum as it was on sale at work and I had a few vouchers to spend to make it even cheaper. I’ve managed to conceal it at the back of the garage behind a lot of camping equipment. Then she’s come back from holiday with a mug and announced that she wishes that she’s collected a mug from every interesting place that she’s visited. Luckily the internet is here to help so I det off in search of a mug from our US trip. I thought I might have to pay a huge overseas shipping fee but luckily there’s a few in the UK that people have brought back and want to get rid of. Although I don’t get an absolute bargain I do find something that hasn’t been used often and has photos of the sight that we’ve seen.

Pride & Prejudice & Zombies by Seth Grahame-Smith

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies by Seth Grahame-Smith
My rating: 2 of 5 stars

Yawn. I thought that this was going to be a very comedic parody. What I actually read was an American trying to be too English and focusing on Austen’s plot and style with too much gusto. The zombies and slayings were just a side-line in between scenes. The only part that made me laugh was the fictional sermon at the end of the book and it’s a shame that this wasn’t included somewhere in the main story. Presumably the Bennets must have attended church at some time in their lives as English village life dictates that they must; if only to seek out gossip or exhibit themselves. Or perhaps society has condemned god-fearing folk to remain indoors for their own protection. There’s no context of how the zombies suddenly came to be; the book assumes that they were always ever there. There certainly weren’t enough action chapters for this reader, and it seems that we’ve been conned into re-reading an English classic.

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I spot a rat

There’s something rotten in the state of the warehouse. It’s setting off the alarm. At first we thought it might have been a small bird who got in while the backdoor was open and hasn’t managed to escape yet. Then on one callout I found a bag of rubbish left by the back door that had been chewed through. That made us believe that we’ve got rats. A ratcatcher got called in and set up these gigantic comedic traps that make me worry since they’re very close to where we park our delivery cages. He’s also blocked up a hole in the wall with metal foil that he believes that they’ve chewed through. Ever since then, there’s been no alarm callouts. We think the rat got stuck in one of the outside traps, but the ratcatcher still comes in regularly to have a poke around. I just wish he’d get rid of these giant mouse traps before someone has an accident.

Rat Brewery Cinnamon Ratte at the Post Office Vaults, Birmingham

When it comes to coffee, cinnamon seems to be hard to get in this country. I first got treated in New York at the youth hostel, where a coffee and bagel for breakfast cost just under $5. Amazing. My next experience was in an Italian café which is generally considered to be the home of the cappuccino. A gorgeous young woman named Maria would serve me her coffee alongside a ham and cheese croissant; though she was the admiration of many of the locals as well. But getting this apple-flavoured topping in the UK has been quite the kerfuffle; not to mention that the syrups have been hidden away as well. Has the sugar police reached our coffee shops? Or have we yet to keep up with our European friends? But putting all these ingredients into a beer has just been amazing. You get your caffeine fix, booze fix and one of your five a day all in one glass.

The Interview

Good morning Sir, please note that I’ve requested this time to allow you to get some work done in the morning so that we can settle down to focus on having a nice chat without distractions of lunch or preparing to go home. I’ve had a nice casual chat with you on our walk to the interview room. I’ve worn a suit and tie and my shoes are polished, so you can see that this interview is important to me, and I am of a smart appearance. I’ve prepared some key phases for you. Teamwork. Key Performance Indicators.  Increasing sales. Please note that my body has good posture and I’ve made slow but not too exaggerated hand gestures. I’ve remained pleasant and I’ve maintained good eye contact at all times. I’ve spoken clearly in an enthusiastic manner that is easy understand. I’ve shaken your hand as I left and made some more small talk after the questions that I’ve prepared. So why won’t you give me the fucking job?

Framework Ekuanot Simcoe at the Old Crown, Birmingham

The Old Crown is one of the oldest pubs in Birmingham. With its merchant house look on the outside and its timbered beams, it would be hard to argue otherwise. The bar is divided into two sections by a supporting beam which makes it difficult for the bar staff to see who’s waiting. There’s a large lounge to the side which offers views of the street corner; while to the right are some private dining rooms. Skirt through these and you arrive at one of the biggest beer gardens in the city. To be fair there is a lot of junk here which the Landlord supposedly stashes for his mates, but surrounding the chicken wire fencing are gazebos with benches underneath for those who like their beer in open air. It doesn’t necessarily serve the best beer in the city, but it does go out of its way to offer a beer that’s different from the norm.

Drone Attack #dreamdiary 60 #doctorwho

Digby approached the murder scene. A thin layer of blue and white police tape was staked all around the outside of the trailer unit in the cool, soft, white snow. As he approached the steps leading inside he could see a thin layer of blood on the ground. As he reached for the tape to lift it up and let himself under, he suddenly realised he wasn’t wearing plastic gloves. He turned to the Doctor, who was smoking a cigarette on a lawn chair.

‘Where can I get some gloves?’

‘There’s a box in the boot of the car.’

Digby turned back and made the fifty-yard journey back to where they’d parked. Gloves on gloves might be a bit over-extreme for some people but he’d knew he’d be fired on the spot if he didn’t follow forensic protocol. As he set off back towards the trailer he heard a whizzing above him. He looked up to see a trio of drones soar over him and enter the square.

‘Warning: Purge in progress. Any unauthorised presence will be removed.’ He then heard a whirr of machine guns followed by screams and his unit captain yelling ‘Get down.’ He threw himself to the ground. Just ahead of him was a large industrial metal wheelie bin. Could he crawl towards it for cover?

Just as he’d crawled two yards the drones circled around for another pass. This pass was much lower and was followed by more screaming followed by deathly silence. He looked up to see his hosts walk about in their white onesies with their mysterious copper chip on show. Could the drones have mistaken his laptop as a chip similar to the hosts?

Hobgoblin Gold at Subside, Birmingham

What’s the first thing that you think of when you see this sign? If you’re hoping for free beer then you’ll have to look closer. I know it’s not a great photo but we had to read in between the lines when we saw the sign too. It’s actually advertising a free air guitar with every pint, which was Wychwood Hobgoblin Gold. Not that we’d be brave enough to ask or argue with anyone when we were in one a hardcore rock pub in the Irish district of Birmingham. I wonder how many people do take them up on their offer. Maybe they even give lessons. Luckily, it was still early and the pub was generally quiet, and we even had a game of pool while a group of teens gave us an evil stare as they sat in the corner. Perfect for a quick sample while we while away the time between beer festival and the bus home.

End of the Viking Gyt

It’s a shame when we have to depart with our cars. If you’ve had a car that’s been nothing but repair after repair after repair then it’s probably a bit of a relief, but when you’ve had a car that you’ve used for a while you’ve created a kind of bond. It’s been your trusty steed that’s conveyed you to many a place. So you sell it to make life easier for you with a new steed, but it’s always good to know where your old steed ended up. You may sell it to a family member, or to a dealer and be amazed when you see it on the road a month later in a much cleaner state. But it’s also sad when you hear that your ex-car is now write-off. And that’s exactly what’s happened to my old Peugeot when my cousin parked it on the hill and returned to find out that he was a victim of a hit and run incident.

Origin by Dan Brown

Origin by Dan Brown
My rating: 2 of 5 stars

Surprisingly, Brown’s Origin ticks few boxes. He’s developed a basic formula which is too familiar to his other books. He tackles Science and Religion. There’s a chase with a female protagonist who is also of high intelligence. There’s lots of cutaway chapters and convenient flashbacks so that we gain a perspective of what the authorities are up to who further emphasise the innocence or guilt of the protagonist. And let’s have a shocking twist at the end where a character who you’d never expect to have anything to do with the plot actually engineers the plot. That said, there is some very forward thinking, and while it isn’t quite the shocker that the conspiracy promises it to be; it still provokes a lot of thought. We also have a fictional Steve Jobs in our presence with Jarvis as a personal assistant. But these books do wonders for local landmarks and encourages the world to visit them.

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What the Hell are Marketing Purposes?

I’m being targeted by marketing gurus. They’ve somehow got my number and I’m on some kind of list to get my details for something. I keep adding their number to a blocked contact that I’ve named Timewasters. I’ve now got 96 listings and the list slowly grows if they decide to call me from a different number. The friendlier one usually asks how I am and asks if it’s OK to ask a couple of questions. They want to confirm my address and I ask why and they tell me it’s for marketing purposes. So you now want to send me even more marketing content? When they called me in May I got charged for the call because I was overseas even though no-one spoke at their end. So I’m looking forward to the next one as I’m now going to bill them as soon as I’ve got their number.

Cheddar Ales Karst at Alestones, Tardebigge

Karst is a strange name for a beer until you discover that it’s brewed by Cheddar Ales, a brewery known not for its cheese (yet) but for its rock formations. Add the fact the water used is from the local hills and it’s filtered by limestone and you’ve got some really refreshing beers. For some reason I thought this beer had hints of chocolate which is completely opposite the description given. Perhaps I remembered a different beer when I tried it in Reading which explains why I thought it might have been off at Alestones. At any rate, it’s supposed to give tropical flavours. In researching this post, I also quashed a child-like rumour that Weston-super-Mare is in the south. I thought it always was because it was at the end of the motorway, but the clue is in the name. Perhaps in earlier times the M5 did end at the sea. Or maybe it’s because it’s the end of arguing in the car as you come off the motorway to see landmarks again.

Swallows & Amazons

This film was a delight to watch. I really enjoyed its child-like wonder portrayed by the creativity of the Jackson children in a time of great stress for the family. It was a bit far-fetched to see the KGB agents invade the English Lakes, but Andrew Scott pulls it off as always, and I suppose they needed some war-like conflict to draw the crowds onto the big screen. Rafe Joseph Spall’s performance was a bit over emphasised and he didn’t really need to be that overdramatic. It would have also been good to have had some background with the Amazon children who just suddenly appeared and somehow managed to get hold of a gun. I loved the banter between the adults and the children; especially with Mrs. Jackson who was overcritical towards everybody and saw through the idleness of the children. It was a film of great childhood innocence without any sexual references or anyone trying to outdo each other.

Untapped Pale Ale at Alestones, Tardebigge

People often ask me if I use Untapped. The trouble is that there’s so much to do when you get in a pub that often phones ruin the whole experience; especially if it’s somewhere that you’ve never been in before. First, you have to take a picture of the beer’s pump clip if it’s a beer that you’ve never tried before so that you can update your ticker’s list later. Next, you have to see if you can get onto the pub’s wi-fi. Once you’ve given up on that, you log onto Facebook to check in and let your friends know where you are. Then there’s the obligatory conversation with the bar staff about the missing Cask Marque certificate for you to scan. You’ve now got to score your beer; though this can be a bit harsh if you’ve only had a sip. But you wouldn’t want to pay for a sour one. After that, the last thing to do is to start searching for where you’re going to next.

Lost Pints #dreamdiary 59

I decided to go out for a few drinks with a Landlord at a pub that he used to own called the Vine Inn. We parked his car at the bottom of the hill and crossed the grass to the entrance of this standalone building. There wasn’t a soul in sight. Inside we found the horseshoe bar which seemed to be stripped of its counter and all the taps seemed to be embedded into the bar. We could hear echoes from an adjacent dining room and someone came to meet us. We ordered two pints of lager which were brought to us in tulip glasses on wooden tables. We quickly decided that the new owners weren’t doing the best in managing the place and arranged to meet some more people at the next pub. We head out through the lobby which is much more interesting. There’s a black and white zigzag tile pattern and lots of lounge furniture and tables to match. I encounter a couple of work colleagues who have been in for some wine but are eager to follow us on. I decide that we should park at my boss’s house which is near to the next pub. We pull up on his extended driveway but we can’t find the pub or anyone around that’s nearby.

Brewhouse & Kitchen Spellman Sam at the Brewhouse & Kitchen, Lichfield

This is a large brick-based stand-alone building on the edge of the pedestrianised area with tables outside to attract people for a summer garden. Inside, it’s very busy. There’s lots of people sitting around large bench-type wooden tables that wouldn’t be out of place in a German beer hall. The bar is actually quite deserted as waiter dash in and out of the kitchen bringing plates of overpriced food. There’s an assortment of taps but the handpumps are hidden towards the end. We can’t see any evidence of the brewery. Perhaps it’s drowned out by the crowd. The atmosphere is buzzing and there’s no spare tables so we stand at the bar and soak it up. Oddly, we feel out of place. We decide to sup up and move on after a visit to the bathroom which is located up the posh winding stairs in the centre of the building. I hover in the porch before departing through the glass door lobby.

A Grand Stay at the DoubleTree by Hilton on New York Times Square West

This isn’t one of the best hotels in the city, but what it doesn’t make up for in location it makes up in class. There’s service aplenty on the ground floor as bellboys are happy to push your bags to your destination. One of the major disadvantages in this hotel as ever in New York is of space; and after queuing to cram yourself into a lift you arrive at your room which is carefully designed to make the maximum amount of space available. We have a bit of a view of another guy’s apartment looking over the Port Authority Bus Terminal. But everything is clean and comfortable and plush. Downstairs is a hearty breakfast buffet operated by foreigners but there’s a bit of a queue to wait for a table and get their attention. On the roof is a rooftop bar but at weekends it’s open to the public for DJs. The bar tariff is pretty high too.

Moor So Hop at the Whippet Inn, Lichfield

One of my favourite things in a pub is a list of beers on the board. You can try and choose your beer while you wait; though it’s frustrating when you get served to find out that it’s sold out or you’ve seen the pump clip before. Whoever chose these beers definitely picked them for the names. Bad Seed is the beer to avoid if you’re trying to get pregnant; though it doesn’t make sense as you shouldn’t be drinking it anyway. Unless it’s the hops which have bad seeds which again isn’t going to make it a pleasant beverage to enjoy. Its second beer just makes you want to expect hops and nothing else. Maybe they didn’t put any yeast and malt in it. To put a stride in your step there’s a musical beer to get you singing to everyone, which is probably the state that you’ll be in when you finish the third beer. Then to get rid of the hippies is a dark one to get rid of the stereotypical drinker, especially if they’re singing folk songs. And if you’re too posh for beer, there’s prosecco available too.

An Anti-Satanic Communist Enters 7/11

I’m in 7/11 buying a soda when in he comes. A big, bald black man in a red t-shirt and open brown jacket on his mobile. He’s wearing shorts and carrying a plastic bag, and he’s going about his business microwaving his convenience foods while talking into his phone very loudly. He’s very concerned about the devil. Whether he’s sending a curse to someone or complaining to someone about the products on offer, we shall never know. He could have been a catholic priest on call. There’s a small group of kids hiding from him around the corner all giggling and trying to decide whether to film him or just stay out of his way. Meanwhile, the staff are trying to their job and charge him so that they can get him out but he keeps walking off to other areas of the store to get more stuff. I paid and left as soon as I could.

Pub Crisps

Pig snacks are a great way to keep you going on a pub crawl; but if you’re forking out for a bag at every other pub then you’re in trouble and you should really avoid that big meal at the end of the night. It can also be quite expensive, but when you’re on the go you don’t really have another choice unless you can convince the group to give you a breather and catch up with you later. And it’s usually those high-end market crisps that cost towards £2 a bag. Of course, they’re big bags and you’re supposed to share them but that’s never enough. So you then have to buy different flavours to keep the others entertained; but they all decline politely as they’ve had massive meals before you all came out. Or you’re that hungry that you devour the entire packet right before your friends’ eyes. Then they get envious and suggest the next stop should be for a kebab or somewhere that serves curry.

Solomon's Sorrows

Dear Mr Solomon,

Thank you for your letter asking me to invest in one of your properties. Here are four reasons as to why I won’t invest.

Firstly, your properties are in areas of public interest. Instead of allowing these properties open to the public, you restrict our access to them. Putting up a fence with a sign stating “Warning: Tree Protection Area” means that you’re preserving a few trees at the end of your new tenant’s back yard and prevents us from exploring the outside grounds of the building that was previously public access.

Secondly, the price of property is actually falling. These new houses that are actually built are making it cheaper for other people to move into pre-owned homes and no-one wants to fork out extra for a new home.

Thirdly, your first and third reasons are the same. You’ve just used a different graphic to illustrate the same point.

 Finally, you’re a sham. I’ve asked to subscribe from your e-mails numerous times which you ignore.

Please stop bothering me.

Sunday Under Three Heads by Charles Dickens

Sunday Under Three Heads by Charles Dickens
My rating: 1 of 5 stars

This was a title that had been sitting around in my iCloud library for some time, but the need for space finally prompted me to read it. What I didn’t realise is that it’s not a Dickensian novel. It’s an essay and has a grand total of three chapters which focuses on activities during the Sabbath. What Dickens doesn’t consider is the dilemma that everyone has to work on Sunday at some point, whether it’s the constable enforcing the Sabbath, the vicar that administers Holy Communion, or the simple housewife who has to slave over the hot stove to prepare the Sunday feast. Whatever happens, someone must toil in some manner, so a day of rest is practically impossible. If the Sabbath were to be properly enforced we’d be confined to our beds for prayer. Not everyone can truly be free, unless we take the interpretation that men can be free and women cannot. Try saying that in this day and age.

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Google's Cookies

This site doesn’t like Google’s cookies. It doesn’t like them and they might be a bit stale by now. They’re also overused and are available almost everywhere across the internet. Nevertheless, it uses them to deliver services and watch the traffic. It might be a bit busy and it might slow you down but it’s never gridlocked during rush hour on this website. Your IP address and user agent are shared with Google. I don’t get to know what’s going on, so complain to Google, not me. I’d love to know what I can do to improve my performance; but Google’s keeping that information for itself. It’s done to ensure quality of service, so that I can continue to provide a shit service knowing that Google does the rest for me. It also generates usage statistics and detects address abuse. I wonder if it detects the abuse of this message.

Tiny Rebel Beat Box at the Whippet Inn, Lichfield

This is one pub that I may remember going to, though the memory is very similar to a micropub that I visited in Liverpool. There’s an open lobby with a chequered floor pattern. Beyond this was small bar and there may have been a long table on the opposite side. It may have been used for a barber shop or beauty salon. In the corner there were several comfy seats upon which I perched to decide where to go to next. I did stay here for two beers because there were a good number of our group popping in and out, so it was good to try and find out where they’d been and where they planned to go to next.  I also stayed for the beer ticks as you don’t get to see this beer around often. It’s a strange name for a pub, though a Whippet is a smaller greyhound and perhaps that’s why it’s fitting.

Expired Eats

There’s currently mixed thinking of the expiry dates of food and when certain items should be eaten. We had a bottle of extra-virgin-olive-oil in the shelf but we only ever used it when we wanted to soften up the ear wax trapped in our ears. It’s probably a bad thing that we used expired oil to do this, but it’s too late now. We googled the shelf life and the consensus was that we should get a new bottle, especially as it’s going in a dipping sauce. But now there’s all sorts of differing storage methods. Apples need to be refrigerated unless they’ve been grown in a hot climate and need to ripen beforehand. Bananas are a no unless they’ve already ripened. Potatoes are apparently a no because the starch turns into sugar, though I don’t like my spuds to be too bitter. And tomatoes harden and lose their flavour. But ultimately it all boils down to how much room you’ve got in your kitchen.

Wadworth Treacle Treat in Lichfield

This beer sounds quite enticing. It has sweet flavours of treacle to entice the senses of what would normally be a brown ale or stout. The pump clip is quite novel as well. It’s portrayed as a dark Halloween treat, and we did indeed visit Lichfield close to the time of the hallows. Unfortunately, memory is a bit fuzzy and I’ve no idea which pub I drank it in. The town was quite wet and dark, so photos of pub exteriors aren’t going to help. The photo app suggests that the venue was in Market Street but there’s also two Cask Marque pubs in that street and I haven’t scanned any of them. Of course, they could have been unaccredited at the time. The venue may have also shut its doors in recent months. But whatever the venue, it must have been somewhere particularly unnoteworthy if it had no unique features for me to recall. Or maybe it was the quality of the beer that erased it from my mind.

Plastic Problems

The Daily Mail has proudly proclaimed in its headliner last week that it’s the saviour of the environment. Its illustrious front page boasted of a ten-year campaign to introduce a levy on plastic bags to reduce the harm on our environment and encourage people to act greener. Its story was that it had changed the thinking habits of the consumer. Then the following week we all got a kick in the teeth; the green bins that we’ve been told to use for decades to recycle is going straight to landfill. It’s hardly surprising when you think about it; as surely councils should receive an income for selling our recycled waste. But the cutbacks continue and it turns out that we’ve all been wasting our time scrubbing out our dinner trays. As usual we’ve trusted the foreigners to do our dirty work for us by exporting it, only for it to be dumped into rivers overseas. It’s about time we did it ourselves.

Lillingston's RegimentAle at the King's Head, Lichfield

We were on our way home from a beer festival in Stoke, and this was the ‘playtime stop’ where we could explore as much as we wanted to within a few hours. The King’s Head was the first pub that we ventured into. It wasn’t a pub with accolades but it did have a Cask Marque which was what drew us in. The approach was through a cobbled archway where horses might have been changed in days of old. On the right door which led to the back of the pub was a long table which was setting up for a disco.  The other had a long wooden bar with a few locals with three real ales. I chose the RegimentAle because it was unique. In fact it was so rare that it didn’t even an A.B.V. The pub had a nice quiet atmosphere which gave us time to plan the rest of our visit.

Writing the Dream #dreamdiary 58

I’ve just had an interesting dream and I’m ready to write it into my dream diary. But when I’m ready to type up the dream, there’s a second stage where I’m dreaming that I actually type the text. I compose the first three lines of what I’m about to write. Then I actually wake up and I’m confronted with the blank page and I have to start from scratch. It usually takes up a good hour of actual time from picturing the dream to waking up to the real world. Then I have to write up the dream in reality. And when I actually have the screen or pad in front of me, my mind is wiped and I forget at least half of the content of the dream. It’s as if my dream is copyrighted and I’m forbidden to share it with anyone else. Sometimes I do remember the first three lines of what I’ve typed.

Doctor Who: The Whoniverse by Justin Richards

Doctor Who: The Whoniverse by Justin Richards
My rating: 2 of 5 stars

This is a beautiful book to hold. Its artwork looks like it comes from the storyboards of the series itself. It also draws upon races and encounters that appeared earlier in the series but have yet to make an appearance in the 21st century revival. However, there are great big gaps in the storyline. Rather than being an encyclopaedic guide to everything Doctor, much of the defeats of the Doctor’s antagonists are simply described as a mystery rather than any relation to the Doctor’s activities, and some encounters are omitted altogether. There’s also little mention of facts and figures and a big lack of companion activity. It’s hard to keep up with who went back in time to change what, and some of the illustrations are too repetitive. It’s as if you’re flicking through just to look at the pictures. One thing’s for sure though, there’s no spoilers of things to come in here.

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