The Brewer's Playground

Despite the huge scale of the brewery; they’ve allowed a baby brewery in their visitor’s centre. There could be four different beers fermenting here waiting to be decanted. It has a strange background of tiled brick; which reminds me of my old council swimming pool. The bricked floor gives an impression of someone’s driveway; giving the impression that they’re brewing somewhere in between their backyard and a large industrial plant. These top secret brews are sold only at the heritage centre for MDs and taste testers to sample before a decision is made as to whether to brew this particular recipe on a larger scale. It could even be where the visiting brewers from abroad come to visit for the Wetherspoon beer festival. But it’s all fenced off; and there’s too many novelty wheels to turn on the fermenter; suggesting that it’s like a mad scientist tinkering in his shed. But it’s way too clean; and it’s there as if it’s been put on show as a museum piece.

The Last Doughnut

There it is. The last doughnut. It’s sitting there quietly untouched in its glistening packaging. You know it’s not yours because you had one yesterday; and you don’t even know who brought them in. It’s yesterday’s food but it’s still there. Surely it’s polite to save it for whoever bought them. But will it go in someone’s tummy, or will it go in the bin? Or will the cleaner steal it for her breakfast? That’s the ultimate question because if the bin is going to win then surely you’re entitled to have a bite and make sure that it goes to a good home? It’s a shame to let it go to waste; but it’ll be more polite if someone else eats it. But is anyone brave enough to? Or is it best to let it go and walk away calmly knowing that you haven’t got a reputation of scavenging food off everyone. 

Grand Theft Lanyard

It was great fun to walk around a historic brewery, and I felt that I could really do with taking away a souvenir. But rather than having them out on show; they were locked away in ornate wooden display cases. And as the bar was pretty busy; it felt awkward and rude to hold everyone up just for the sake of the sale of a keyring. Oddly, we’d been given visitor passes which we were required to wear at all times, and we also had to sign in and out of the site. It would have been courteous to hand this back in; but this was too good a souvenir to return. So, on the pretence of doing up my shoelace; I slipped my lanyard holder into my bag. Luckily there was a crowd of people waiting to sign out; so the guard asked us to toss the passes into a bucket. I wonder what would have happened if I tried to roll a barrel underneath his window…

Stop the Bus! #dreamdiary40

I’m in Worcester. I’ve agreed to give a friend a lift home. It’s started to rain very heavily; luckily, we’ve got waterproofs with us. Instead of taking cover into a bus shelter in front of us; we very cheekily duck into an alleyway across the entrance to someone’s house. My friend is in and out in practically no time but my jacket is at the bottom of my bag so I take a little longer. Suddenly, a storm of people appears from outside the house and file straight past me into the alleyway below. One of them, a bald man with a goatee, has a glass of water with him which he pours all over me as I descend. ‘Oh, thanks’ I say. As the last person dashes past I prepare to leave but a wooden door gets slammed in my face. I look forward and see a woman walking round and getting into a cab in front. It’s then I realise that somehow I’ve boarded a bus. I start yelling for the driver to stop but he can’t hear me as he’s too busy talking to the woman in the cab. I turn around and ask a passenger where this bus is going, but all I can make out is a destination beginning with a G and ending in l. All I can do is to wait to see where I’m going. It doesn’t feel like a faraway destination; and it may actually be closer to where the car is. I decide to phone my friend when I get there when I learn a little more; though getting off may take some time as I have no ticket.

The Little One: Part 5 #scavenger10

Lee charged down the corridor skipping several doors. Any door containing a hostage would have a hatch so that the jailer could keep an eye on their captives; then again the room that Natalya was in might not haven been planned for that purpose. He halted at this thought and prepared to charge back the way he came; when suddenly he heard a sob. Female. Without hesitation he began pounding on the door.

‘Natalya! Natalya! British Forces!’ But there was no reply. There was also no handle or latch; just a traditional keyhole penetrating the lead-covered door. He would have to blow it open. Taking a very small ball of C4, he threaded in a fuse then stuffed the ball into the keyhole.

‘Stand back! I’m going to blow the door!’.

He retreated a few steps then lit the fuse. After a few seconds there was a large bang. Returning to the keyhole; Lee could see that the lock had moved; and taking a grip between the keyhole and the edge of the door, he managed to bend the lock out of position just enough to prise the door open.  

A staged interview on a stage...

So what do you do when your interviewer turns up late for your show? Do you let your audience sit there and twiddle your thumbs? Or do you take a deep breath and go out and meet them? And Matt chose the latter, which was absolutely fantastic. The trouble was that he then decided to try and find someone to replace his interviewer. This would truly be a test for someone; as you’d obviously need a few questions prepared to take the interviewer’s place. But amazingly; someone was duly selected; conveniently from the front row along with their burger. Not an item of choice to accompany a temporary interviewer; and while the mysterious lady was being miked up I began to wonder if this would work. At first it didn’t; we learnt all too much about the interviewee; but then all of a sudden she turned it around quite well and started to congratulate Matt on his work and she just seemed to know a little too much about him. I think the burger was a bit of a giveaway… 

The Little One: Part 4 #scavenger9

Lee charged up the metal stair frame. Prisoners were usually held on higher ground rather than lower ground so that if they did escape from their cell they had a greater chance of injuring themselves on the way down. Now that an attack had begun, he had very little time before the Arabs could activate the countdown to the nuclear detonator. As he reached the first floor, his ear started to buzz. He looked ahead and all was clear so he pressed the connect button.

‘Hi.’

‘Lee, it’s started. I don’t know what’s happened but it’s started. He’s actually carrying out his threat.’

‘It’s because of me. I’ve infiltrated the base. Had to make my own entrance.’

What? Why?’

‘Because the president is going to cave into his demands regardless. If there’s a chance that we can rescue Natalya then I’m going to take it.’

‘You know that’s against orders.’

‘But our orders are being undermined. They’re just delaying the inevitable.’

‘There’s a five minute countdown.’

Get onto control. Get them to deploy as many countermeasures as they can.’

‘OK. Out.’

Court Invasion #dreamdiary39

I’m playing badminton with some friends. Strangely, there’s four pallets of catalogues from work on the courts; and these books are in high demand. I think to myself that I could get these moved very quickly. There’s four courts and we split up for a game of doubles. I team up with a friend who says that he can’t move very fast and I tell him not to worry about it. We then warm up against a pair of ladies. We’re struggling to hit any shot apart from one which parks itself perfectly in the tramline. The older woman declares it’s out and I’m only realising that she’s right now because there’s no actual net on the court. Then the whole court is invaded by foreign people who just pour in and occupy every court and start to either play badminton or watch from the side lines. Everyone starts to invent wild excuses and leave; one friend says that he has plane to catch. Another has gone already without even saying goodbye. I walk round the hall with one of my colleagues tailing me; and retrieve my stuff. 

Memory Man by David Baldacci

Memory Man by David Baldacci
My rating: 2 of 5 stars

There’s probably thousands of detective novels out there and this story isn’t one that I would choose; it just ended up on my I-pad as a freebie. That said; this tells a stereotypical story of a depressed private dic and his troubled past; and ultimately how he battles his demons to get back on the waggon. It’s not very inspiring; each chapter is shortly written and there’s not enough suspense to keep the pages turning (or sliding in my case!). It wasn’t too hard to guess that the shooter had transformed their size; who would idolise a giant fat man? Then there’s the usual lack of teamwork between federal departments the need to keep all leads close to the troubled protagonist. The characters are introduced too slowly for you to have a guess at ‘whodunnit’; and I often thought it was the oddball journalist who gave up her 9-5 job to tail him almost everywhere; yet towards the end of the novel there’s no motive for her to be involved other than she’s just bored of her current situation. Even the final chase is nothing new; a man who is forced to take on the culprits alone without any form of back-up. Yes, it’s an origin story; but it’s nothing inspirational.

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Little Me

Last week I headed up to Birmingham to see Matt Lucas on stage. Oddly, he wasn’t performing; he was actually giving a talk about his acting career. What we thought we were attending was a book launch, and we just hoped that he wasn’t going to tell everyone to turn to a certain page at some point as we hadn’t forked out £20 for the book. But after getting into the auditorium then being asked to leave; we re-found our seats to find that there were three seats on the stage. We wondered if he’d invited any special guests; perhaps David Walliams might have been invited. Then we wondered why one seat was apart from the other two. Was it in case one of them fancied moving around a bit? No, it was actually for a sign language interpreter. And the second centre seat was actually for an interviewer who got stuck on the motorway and turned up to the show twenty minutes late. 

The Little One Part Three #scavenger8

The sentry on guard in the telephone kiosk-sized patrol booth stared dumb-struck as the tanker tumbled past his outpost and into the gate. Lee nodded at the guard then sprinted straight ahead through a steel door straight ahead of him. He reached it just as the alarm sounded. He needed to create as much chaos as possible to keep the enemy distracted; he’d then have more time to find the hostage and disable the base’s defences so that he could call in some support to help him escape.

     The first doorway he spotted turned out to be an office; inside was a single computer on a wall-mounted desk with box files on shelves and invoices everywhere. Grabbing a handful of paperwork, he reached under the desk and gave a tug on the many wires below. He quickly wrapped papers around the wires and set the paper alight; this would quickly make a hazardous electrical fire.

Kinver Caveman Bitter at the Vine, Kinver

This isn’t one of the best pubs in the town for beer choice; but it’s certainly nice to outside in their large canal side beer garden and watch the narrowboats drive through the village’s lock. It aims to cater for individual dining; though there is a separate restaurant at the rear. The pub has gone from a set of cottages into one large building with its own parking. It has an outhouse which hosts a barbecue on their busier days; while closer to home is a relaxing set of decking. Inside there’s a restaurant serving a carvery with an enormous tower-shaped dessert fridge; while the horseshoe open-bricked bar hosts up to three real ales including a local brew. There’s a small window nook to watch village life go by; though as this pub is at the end of the village the most you’ll see is passing traffic. And the only bit of vine that you’ll find will be in the wine.

The Little One Part Two #scavenger7

Now that Lee had an enemy vehicle; he had a decent chance of getting to the base’s perimeter. At least he could drive to the gate; and from there he would have to improvise. As he got closer; he wondered if there was any method of surveillance or whether he was supposed to maintain a regulation speed. As if in answer; the radio crackled into life asking for a passcode. He knew he didn’t have time for this; so the best course of action was to get there as quickly as possible and leave it for the enemy to take action. Of course he could be shot down; but there was always the chance that the enemy would show mercy when it came to one of their own. As he climbed the hill, he could see a single sentry booth outside a chicken-wire gate that began to slide shut. Grabbing the brick, he dropped it on the gas pedal and unfastened his belt. Tying it around the steering wheel; he opened the door and jumped; tugging his belt as he did so. As he dropped and rolled; the vehicle fell on its side and began rolling towards the sentry booth. A simple shot gave him a rolling ball of fire which would create his very own entrance to his one-man assault on the base…

Father Ted

This gentle sitcom describes the simple ways of a man trying to survive in a small Catholic community while trying to figure out the next step in their lives. It’s a battle of one-upmanship; whether it’s the neighbouring parish; the bishop; or even the church itself as they’re seldom seen actually taking communion. Every act that’s designed to better themselves and improve their lives always seems to backfire; and Ted has somehow stop events from escalating even further. Although Ted drops hints of his actions in his past life; we know very little of Dougal and Jack; and it would have been great to have seen some kind of origin story for them. It’s such a shame that this well-written comedy had an untimely ending because of the loss of the brilliant Dermot Morgan. I don’t think O’Hanlon has come close to fame in any other acting roles as a charming simpleton. 

Beer Cloud

Beer is life as it’s always living. It’s like lava in a glass. Using the power of yellowing yeast; each bubble bounds a bittersweet component of the flavour together. A bright light shines through the foamy clouds into the valley below. Yellows turn to white which falls like snow to lighten the brown. The yeast flows through the light and follows the wind into the slopes of the east. Great hills of foam begin to form and build up to bubble away up into the hills and spill over into the black spot below; ensuring that maximum refreshment is spread as wide as possible. A small ledge builds up over the river; ready to help carve the wave of yeasty foam. The hole begins to fill and flow into the valley; ready to flow over to the west side. A second, shallower river slowly begins to trickle out of the corner of the light. 

A Terrifying Teletubby

For my niece’s second birthday, we decided to buy her a dancing Teletubby. It’s red and fluffy; it makes noises and plays three different songs; and it dances. But she’s absolutely terrified of it. And I can see why. Why should toys move by themselves? They’re supposed to be still unless they’re played with; and when it comes to switches that are hidden and they move by themselves; they don’t understand how they work. They tend to think that they’re real people rather than something that they can play with. And you can see the same fear when someone dresses up as a kid’s TV character. When they’re on the screen; they’re laughing and waving at them because they’re a lot smaller. But when they meet them in real life; they’re unrealistically huge so that they stand out from the crowd. They’d realistically think that they’d be the same height as them, so you can see why there are some very terrified tots out there. 

I'm on a Bond Set!

Huge cooling tanks; metal walkways and bubbling liquids makes you think that this is sort of underground Bond lair that you’ve just infiltrated. There’s tanks full of chemicals bubbling away and metal containers galore ready to erupt. You can just picture someone planting C4 on one of the tanks in preparation for a grand explosion; with men in hard hats and wearing white coats dashing to the exit with the sounds of a klaxon blaring in the background. There’s even ladders for people to slide down. But this isn’t a film set; it’s a working brewery! This huge room is where the beer is left to settle before being poured into casks. It would have been great fun if they actually filmed a movie in the brewery then added the explosions afterwards; but the whole scene was probably recorded on a closed set. It probably would have been a bit of a health and safety nightmare too. 

Ripples

Change happens one step at a time. It’s not always quick or instant. But when it does happen, you can sense that it’s time to progress onto something else; whether you’re ready for it or not. And it always has an effect on the environment around you; whether you can sense it or not. Even by remaining motionless; you’re reducing your air consumption and energy intake; freeing up resources for other people. There is only a finite amount of air; so it’s important that we continue to produce agriculture to sustain our environment. And even a simple act of turning on a television can create sound ripples that can be detected by other creatures. But what good does throwing a stone into a pond do? It might cause ripples; but eventually the water will settle down again and return to its natural state. Instead you need to hit that pond with a landslide to change it forever.

"I alone cannot change the world, but I can cast a stone across the water to create many ripples." -Mother Teresa.

A Barrel or Two

No, it’s not the underside of a wooden conveyor belt with giant wooden rollers; it’s a barrel of beer! A whole row of them in fact! Not pub-sized ones, but proper hogsheads that are ready to be rolled off to another part of the brewery for bottling. Very few pubs could get through one of these before the fermentation expires. Butt the traditional aroma of wood certainly adds to the flavour of the beer, and it can be stored here for around two weeks to gain full maturity. Wood isn’t the best shape to hold together, and I’m amazed at how leakproof these barrels are. I would have thought that the easiest way to make a barrel would be to scoop out the inside of a tree. Instead we have straight-cut pieces of timber that are bound together tightly by a metal frame work. It’s not an easy thing to achieve; especially when they used to be built by hand. I wonder if they still are. 

Lego Masters

This is just what I wanted to see- creative team-building at its best; despite being let down by its camp presenters. There was certainly some fast-thinking involved with time limits set to each build and a good knowledge of brick pieces are necessary. The judging was a bit random to the end of the programme; and it would have been good to have seen a recap of which team had achieved for each episode; or have awarded points for each build. I certainly disagreed with some of the judges’ decisions. It was heart-breaking to see the youngest team thrown out of the competition; they tried so hard with every build. The teaching team certainly held it together during the final; you could see the cracks begin to form in the relationship between Uncle and nephew. However; despite the models constantly cracking; they preserved to create some very imaginative and different pieces. 

Lie With Me by Sabine Durrant

Lie With Me by Sabine Durrant
My rating: 2 of 5 stars

This is an interesting tale of a man who strives to do as little as possible to obtain a cheap lay. It’s his ability to lie which achieves sexual conquest for him; yet the tables are turned towards the end when the lying-in bed turns into a plea to lie with him in order to escape conviction. We’re given a hint of the fact that something’s gone wrong early on in the novel; and it’s the what that persuades us to read further into this man’s selfish acts. His actions are quite repulsive and you have to wonder how the families put up with him; especially when he steals from them. His own instincts of the plot are only aroused slightly when one of the younger family members gets into a spot of bother; yet his own behaviours are quite secretive and are often unexplainable which hinders his attempts to plead his innocence. The narrative is very descriptive; though it loses its focus when Paul doesn't supply the reasons for his actions.

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Hobsons Town Crier at the Sportmans Arms, Redditch

Being across the road from a local college; you’d have thought that this pub would be packed out 24/7. But despite being one of the oldest venues in town; it still struggles to do business. It’s not one of the  most reputable places in the area; it usually fills up during the lunch hour but at night it’s dead apart from the low-life locals. And when the sun sets; you’re more likely to find the landlord heading out to another venue than stretching out for the sale of one last pint. But the people behind this pub haven’t got the faintest idea how to run it. For starters; the pub company have let it to someone who’s gone bankrupt in another venue; meaning that as a local you can’t rely on their services. But somehow they’ve made it work. It could be people that’s been banned from every other venue in town; or it could be a desperate bunch of alcoholics; but somehow the clubhouse works.

Cones and Domes

These naturally formed pyramid-like structures are a common appearance in breweries. If they got together; something even more imaginative could have been formed over thousands of years. Fortunately, man put a stop to the mating process by putting a crusher at the bottom of it; ensuring that any malt that falls through the grinder is as ground and fine as possible. The dial on the side controls the flow of gravity into the kettle. It’s like two girls and one cup, but on a grander scale. The floor is painted red so that any spillage is instantly identifiable to facilitate hygiene. It’s also kept extra shiny. I wonder how long it takes the cleaner to polish it every morning. Once the malt gets through, it’s then boiled up with yeast inside this giant kettle, then hops are added and it’s left alone for at least two weeks until the beer is born.

I'm Sleeping on the Oakland Bridge

It’s not the actual bridge that I’m sleeping on; but a digital image printed onto my bedding! At first I thought it was a New York Bridge; but then the view of the Transamerica building on my pillowcase corrected me. As all things that you buy from a catalogue, it looks good in the picture but the actual image is a bit distorted as it’s blown up and stretched over the fabric. But the smudges do disguise any stains that might arise. The material itself feels quite rough but it has a decent thread count to offer a fair amount of warmth. The sky has a strangely vivid sunset which just happens to match the colour of my walls, and the lights on the building blends in with this too. The tarmac and the lights of the buildings share the same sort of light, while any natural materials are camouflaged in black.

Gone for a Burton

I had a mission to get to Burton. I’d been promised a free tour of the historical site of the brewery so long as I attended a meeting afterwards. After leaving the train station, I had no choice but to follow the blue dot on my phone; which took me on a long walk out of town. Suddenly, I found that I was walking around the back of the brewery, but I was rescued by a fellow attendee. Since he had driven because of mobility issues; I found myself having no choice but to look after him while we climbed the many steps around the site. But we still had an excellent tour. We were shown the fermenters and the racks; all of which were on a ridiculously large scale; and had to climb many steps for a good view. We were also shown a tour of the delivery yard and were told of the brewery’s modern day logistical operation.

The Woes of Web Advertising

You’ve found a good web article that you want to read. It could be from an e-mail group that you subscribe to; or you could be searching for advice. Then the site loads; and it takes ages. That’s because the website is full of advertising. Firstly, you see the text that you want to read. But then there’s margins either side; and this turns out to be banners for another site that you’ve no interest in. Then the cookies kick in and try to find content relevant to your interests. A video kicks in and starts to play in the background; slowing down your computer even further. Finally; when you scroll down; there’s pop-ups and pictures in between the article you want to read; slowing down your computer even more and it takes ages to load more advertising, and it takes ages to load each line. All of which tries to convince you to sign in and pay for premium content to make the advertising go away. But I’d rather not use these sites at all.

Tanked Up

At first glance, you might think who wo so much beer? Perhaps all they need is a straw. A second guess would be that this tanker drives from venue to venue; topping up any barrels that require it. But it’s actually been brought here up the motorway to be siphoned off into individual barrels. It’s also false advertising; since the product within is probably all keg. Just think of all the yeast that would be within otherwise. It’d have to be filtered again just to get into the barrel. And the reason that it’s travelled from Witney to Burton? It’s a cost-saving exercise; since the cost of transporting it is cheaper than owning two barrelling plants. It just goes to show that it’s really difficult for the big boys to produce a truly local product. They have to think of everything to save the pennies; and crucially; it also means less jobs on the original site.

Subtitles

I use subtitles a lot; mainly when I’m watching TV with the volume turned down so as not to disturb anyone; or when the a noisy appliance is in operation in the kitchen. I’ve always wondered how they do subtitles on TV, and a recent incident calling a northern football team as scumbags instead of comma brought these thoughts into focus. I’ve always thought that during live broadcasts there’d be someone typing furiously away in the background; which explains the inevitable delay and the occasional mistake and the lag. But nowadays it’s done by dictation. It’s odd enough that a subtitler needs to say the word comma. And this match was actually a replay; so you’d have thought that the text for the commentary had already been proofread between recording and publication. Yet many broadcasters choose not to prepare their subtitles beforehand. You’d have thought that this would save them a lot of money; especially with repeat programmes.

I Capture the Castle by Dodie Smith

I Capture the Castle by Dodie Smith
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

This is such an enchanting tale; and even though a castle is featured; there’s no fairy-tale ending about it. The characters are all fiercely independent (the exception being fiscal) which makes for a very interesting read. Cassandra’s diary certainly narrates the events of the novel in great detail; and her own comments and opinions really brings the book to life. She seems to get most of her descriptions by smell rather than sight and sounds. I think it’s a shame that her naivety leads Stephen to be attracted to her, but it’s this trait that does get her into some rather interesting situations; perhaps like a modern day ditzy blonde. Towards the end of the novel, Cassandra begins to develop her thinking rather than simply being a narrator; especially when she discusses religion with the vicar. I particularly enjoyed Mortmain’s imprisonment towards the end; though I did feel that the final outcome was never going to happen.

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Futurama

I’ve been a fan of this show ever since it first aired on TV. It was one of the first box sets that I owned; both on VHS and DVD!  Its exciting perspective of life in the 31^st century is simply amazing; and it also has the ability to mock current technologies. Its irregularity of its broadcast often meant that it was hard to discover when the series had ended; and it was only after bumping into regular repeats that I didn’t recognise on the TV that a new series had been written. Would the show end with four feature films? No, thanks to the constant nagging of the fans. Once the writers got past season six, they knew that they had a good run and didn’t even bother with a series finale. Even the show’s current ending leaves the show open for another series. And even as I type this I’ve discovered that there’s a podcast episode published only two weeks ago!    

On the Fence

I was explaining to my niece the other day that cardboard boxes comes from trees and she was absolutely fascinated. I also pointed out that the table came from a tree, the staircase came from a tree and a newspaper came from a tree as well. What I should have asked her was where did she think that boxes came from. And of course, wood is still decaying whatever state it’s in; especially if it’s outside. And where the knot in the wood sits could have once been a pair of eyes. And what once might have swayed in the wind must forever remain fixed in the ground. But now that man has shaped it to the dimensions that he has desired; it’s fixed in time until the elements themselves decide to relieve their former comrade. And after that, eventually it is left to rot into the ground from whence it came.