Three Castles Corn Dolly at the Rising Sun, Redditch

I hate being involved with the under-age drinkers. Yes, they shouldn’t be with you in the first place; but they’re a friend of someone you know who also invited you. Having made it through the screening process without having been asked for I.D; we then have to wait in the lobby for those that do. And then the message is passed down the line; oh, she’s having trouble getting in. Apparently bouncers are now asking people to see your Facebook profile if you have trouble getting in. Then the debate follows; what shall we do next? The most common sense thing is to leave them outside and not ruin everyone else’s night; as they shouldn’t be out there anyway. But the decision has been made to try another bar. This time I keep towards the head of the group; and as we approach the entrance I go straight in and make for the bar. This way; I can finally enjoy a pint of Three Castles Corn Dolly while the same process is repeated over again; and I can always finish my pint while the decision is made about what to do next; and maybe they’ll get the hint. They did.

Usain Bolt

You gotta love Usain Bolt. Not only does he battle regularly with others to retain his title as the fastest man on earth, he also has to battle with the world-wide media. Quite literally. After finishing in the 200m at the Beijing Olympics; a cameraman falls off his Segway while filming Bolt and lands on top of him. Bolt bounces back up; then immediately feels concerned for the cameraman and remains at his side until he’s sure that he is OK. He doesn’t even mind that no-one’s focused on his injury at all. Not a lot of modern day athletes would show such compassion or even tolerance if it was to happen to them; but Bolt’s laid-back Jamaican attitude is something that others could learn a lesson from. He also does great poses, and was a bit of a prankster in his youth; which the authorities did not like. Despite this, he is truly a man worthy of his title.

Mixed feelings at the Bramley Cottage

We'd managed to get money off vouchers for a nearby foody pub. All we had to do was to complete a short survey online. I did mine then found out that I had to wait for up to 24 hours for the voucher to come through. I headed up there and bought a pint of Bombadier then grabbed a table to wait for my friend; as it was quiz night the pub fills up quite quickly. I checked my emails and luckily the voucher came through. I went for the ultimate mixed grill with bearaise sauce (something I'd never had before) which came with a free house pint of Brakspeare (the beer selection wasn't the best that day). Over at the bar; there was quite a deal of button-pushing to get the larger meal to go through. When it did arrive; I noticed that the sausages were missing; which were brought out promptly on a side dish. They were large sausages but were actually quite tasteless; as was the steak and sauce. I'm glad I didn't pay full price. 

What cult have I joined now?

I first wake up at home to find a small CRT TV in my room on a smaller table. The TV is switched on but is on standby; though I doubt that my reception has improved.  My LCD TV is lying face down in the corner of my room. My bed has somehow also been rotated. I then sit up and try to work out why these things have happened but to no avail. Later on I'm in my old primary school hall where I'm sitting on the floor alongside other people spaced out in the room. Pete George hands me a mixture of books of raffle tickets and bingo cards; and it somehow falls to me to distribute them to the rest of the group. After handing them to five people I have completely run out and head over to a corner where I am now required to hand out sandwiches. There are four packs of sandwiches which is not enough; there is also a bucket of lollipops and a pile of make-up. I turn to the nearest person who is scantily clad in a pink bikini. I look down at my arms and discover I have Triad tattoos; then spend the rest of the dream trying to remember when I got the tattoos. I wake up for real and have to double-check that my arms are tat-free. Not the golden phizwizard of dreams; but not a trogglehumper either; just a very confusing one. 

The BFG

The BFG by Roald Dahl
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Dahl’s inventive take on where dreams come from is bound to raise a few chuckles in this very unique tale of faraway fantasy. Through the art of childish wonderment and conversation; a fascinating story of the history of giants and their existence is spun. As the unlikely pairing of fact and fiction get to know each other and compare their civilisations; it’s often unclear as to which side has the upper hand. The BFG’s grasp of the Wigglish language is very novel yet child-like with his grammar,; and the results are very entertaining. As both parties adapt to each other’s company, events take an exciting twist when both are put under pressure by the mighty Bloodbottler. Once Sophie has understood Giant Country, she makes plans to rid the giants once and for all with some special assistance from the Queen of England. It’s the stuff that dreams are made of!

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Morrisons is trying to kill me

I'm convinced that the scum of the earth shops at Morrisons. I arrive in the car park and have to stop short as there’s a trolley left next to a parked car that I've just pulled alongside. There's no clear pedestrian walkway to the entrance. All three of the cash machines are out of order. The light bulbs were hidden away from the main household section and were totally overpriced which was a third of what I had come in for. The contactless reader on the chip and pin machine doesn't work. There is a man lying on the floor with his head stuck inside the automated checkout; leaving a small gap for us to pass through. Outside; I sit on a bench to eat my sausage roll where a woman just dumps her trolley right in front of me. I hope it's her fags that she's left on the floor. On the way out my car is sprayed by the residue of the automatic car wash next door. Finally; on my exit off the roundabout; a large sack of something has been left lying on the curl carriageway for me to swerve and avoid. Sorry Morrisons; but if you're not responsible enough to run your site; it's not convenient for me.  

They sure don't make it easy

A marathon day of deliveries today. There were seven drops; and each one was difficult to locate and totally in a completely direction from the route. After a central drop in Stratford where the house was hidden behind a main street in a public car park; things only got worse. I had a very small road to do a nine point turn to turn the van around in Studley. I then had to look for a court in an area where all the buildings were numbered; with no descriptions on the doors whatsoever to distinguish the addresses. Then it was over to Evesham where a zero had fell off the number fifty; and as it was on a corner right next door to number seven on another road; that just made things complicated. A few roads later saw me in central Evesham where; although the house was numbered (I’d first gone up the hill before realising that the street numbers were labelled differently to every other street on the planet), I was told that the customer had actually moved address to just round the corner. I’d just about made my store delivery on time; then after a quick break it was off to a retail park unit that hadn’t actually opened yet. This was followed by a long trip back through Studley and into Redditch; where the apartment building was actually hidden from the one in front. My final delivery of the day was to a retirement complex; where the road given was actually a footpath where I had to park the van on the main road and walk up then round to find the entrance. Make it easy they don’t.

Evening Drinks

After an evening curry with my family; my Aunt insisted on us coming inside her house to join her in a nightcap. She is not the best of hosts; for as soon as we were shown in; it was not clear whether it was the lounge; the kitchen or the back garden that we should be in to be received. It was eventually decided that the back garden would suffice; though I left my cardigan in the kitchen to be sure. We were then asked what would we like to drink. I asked for a beer; but she didn't have any. I asked what did she have and she counter-asked; ‘What do you want?’ Now I don't expect her to keep a fully stocked bar; but she could have given me some options. ‘Have you got any rum?’ ‘No.’ ‘Have you got any vodka?’ ‘No’. In the end I settled for a coffee; which I made into an Irish coffee once it was discovered there was Ballyrod alongside rum punch; brandy; a snowball and some whiskey. Now I never would've guessed that!

Man in a Van

My second delivery was in a much more residential area. When I arrived; the only place that I saw fit to park was by mounting the kerb to drive along the green do that the rear door of the van was in line with the pavement. I found the house OK; it was a walk to the front door as it wasn't in line with the road. I returned to the van and started the first part of a triple return journey; since there were three flat pack items. I started with the smallest one, then carried it over and knocked on the door. After a short wait there was no answer; and a quick glimpse on the address label told me that I had the wrong house number; I was looking at the drop number on the device rather than the label on the invoice. Fortunately no-one had answered so I had time to walk onto the correct house. This time a lady in a dressing gown opened the door and explained that she'd only just got up; so it was a good thing I waited over in Redditch. After delivering the second part I forgot to lie it down in the hallway; which made the item a bit unstable. When all was delivered and I was on my way back in the  van to base; I had a little old lady in a shop mobility scooter to negotiate with; who forced me onto the other side of the road as she came back from the shops. I then had a blind right turning at a crossroads owing to the angle that I came out of. I'm sure that this is the first of many adventures as a white van man. 

A (partially) successful first attempt!

After fourteen months of waiting; I finally got to do my first run of home deliveries. It was pot luck as I downloaded my route; but after forgetting to pack advice cards into the packages (which turned out that we didn't have anyway); I set off in my van; only to pull up into a lay by ten minutes later as I forgot to tell the customer that I was en route. I found the road with no problems; but when it came to finding the house; the sat-nav said that it was another mile down the road away from the bungalows. As I got nearer a quad bike pulled out behind me; so I carried on and pulled onto a track so that he could carry on allowing me to turn round. However; he carried on down the track and asked me to wind down the window. Only then did I realise that he had a rifle on his back! I told him where I was going and he said to just press the button and carried on his way. So the gates opened and off I walked down the driveway with the packages; leaving the van by the road. After meeting the anxious Hooch-like mongrel, I discovered that I had the right address but the wrong  customer.  Luckily the right customer works for the gentleman; so he took in the packages for me. He explained that the addressee actually lived in a cabin down in the woods. Perhaps I should have driven into the driveway; but there would have been more at stake in turning the van around. 

What if?

What if all we know has just been told to us? What if our world isn't the only planet out there and there's one right next door? What if our history is only what the government wanted us to hear and there's a lot more to the story? It seems that with the amount of museums suddenly springing up to support our heritage sites; decisions about the past have been made for us? We have always been told the facts by our educators; but are they telling us everything or even the wrong thing? What happens if you challenge a belief that's outside of the box? What if someone could control an outcome? We should never be afraid to challenge the past or of what others have concluded for us. And everyone should be given the right to have a go and try new things to determine who's the best. 

Echoing EPODS

It’s amazing that with all this technology how many functions the humble EPOD actually struggles with. Today was the first day that I got my hands on one with the intention of going solo. The first problem was getting a connection to download a route which we had to enter manually. Then once the manifest had downloaded; my barcode scanner failed to work which meant that each item had to be entered manually. I didn't even bother with the in-built sat-nav as I didn't receive any home deliveries; but instead drove straight to the regular drops. My colleagues had much more fun since they each had deliveries and were therefore out to play for a lot longer. Once back I had the added fun of running the shop front since we had a hoard of visitors interested in our shop floor followed by a visit from a head office guy to learn about our internal processes. It was a long time before I was able to be released away…

Black Sheep Holy Grail at the Snitterfield Arms; Warwickshire

I was quite looking forward to this country village pub but it quickly went downhill as I arrived. Two other cars were manoeuvring in the tiny car park as I entered; and the fact that there were no lines on the grounds meant that some people were left to take up as much room as they liked. I drove round the corner and parked a few doors down on the main road instead. When I reached the bar; it was good to see that the bar had been split into two smaller real and keg sections; but from there it went downhill. The smell of food dominated the whole pub; and the barmaid’s time was being occupied by an old country bumpkin who insisted on reading the menu in front of her. She did apologise for the wait; then forgot my change as she dashed off back to bumpkin to confirm his order. There was going to be zero atmosphere here so I finished my Black Sheep Holy Grail in the beer garden where the sounds of rattling crockery  in the kitchen echoed across the yard. I wasn't sure about the beer quality but I certainly wasn't going to make any friends by querying it or the whereabouts of their Cask Marque certificate. Another pub that I won't be venturing into again…

The Magic Finger

The Magic Finger by Roald Dahl
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

This short story about a little girl who gets cross portrays perfectly guilty feelings of regret and remorse; a Dahl’s take on an Aesop’s Fable. We do not know how the little girl got her powers as she doesn’t know herself; but the tale is very entertaining as it is told innocently through her eyes in the first person. The Gregg family; having been turned into birds by the young witch; adapt very nicely to their new surroundings; and even enjoy it at first as they try to make the best of their new situation. Their reason of questioning their predicament is always overruled by their instinct to survive; which also teaches an important lesson. Perhaps the whole tale is even a prequel for Dahl’s longer story, The Witches. All that’s now needed is a longer story that links all three. As with many of Dahl’s books, the tale is beautifully illustrated by drawings by Quentin Blake which matches the fable’s simplicity.

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To the halls of Valhalla

I've been to the halls of Valhalla! Luckily, I haven't died; it was all an educational visit in the name of tourism. In the coastal town of Largs lies Vikingard!, which also happens to be the town’s local leisure centre. Here we were queueing to learn about Vikings; while next to us people were coming and going with swimming bags and gym kits. Unfortunately it was more of a guided tour rather than an exhibition; but we were only ten minutes behind and there was only one other party with the guide. So we went straight through into a mock Viking’s home; where we were shown round the quarters and got to try their armour and weapons. We were then whisked off to Valhalla where we met Odin, Thor and the other Viking gods to find out what they get up to in Scotland. Finally there was an exhibition room with maps, information boards and lots of hands-on activities for Buttons and the kids. It made a great rest stop for our journey.

The Thin Blue Line

I’m not proud of it; but there have been a few close brushes with the law this year as to whether or not I was due to get a speeding ticket. A few months ago I found myself in the nearside lane when queuing for a roundabout; and I had to accelerate in order to get onto the slip road beyond to make room for traffic behind me. What I didn’t realise was that the speed camera was just off the slip road; and as soon as I was in the lane I noted a flash in my rear view mirror. The other time was in the van where a sneaky warden was monitoring speeds just beyond where a fifty zone turned into a thirty zone; and he had hidden himself on someone’s drive behind a hedgerow. I also had to go back that way; and the look he gave me was one of stern justice. The frightening thing is the anticipation; the worry of whether or not you’ve been caught and the consequences that you have to deal with afterwards. There are nutters out there who do speed all the time regardless of who is watching; and I’m very close to becoming one of them!

Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation

Last night saw me at the cinema to see Mission Impossible: Rouge Nation. It’s been a while since I’ve been to the movies; and somehow I managed to get the time wrong; however it was quite handy as it gave me a chance to catch up with my friends. The film was action-packed, with no love scenes at all and plenty of stunts and chases; though there were no scenes by boat this time. It was an interesting plot; however when it came to putting the Prime Minister’s life in front of another agent; I felt that the storyline was taking it a bit too far. It was only towards the end of the film that I realised that this had already been anticipated as part of the grand scheme; as part of an elaborate plot to expose the enemy. This franchise is now starting to get a lot better with its storyline; and I do hope that they film another one very soon.

Backyard Porter at the Black Tap

The long awaited Black Tap Brewery Taphouse is finally open! Hidden away in the town centre of Redditch near the bandstand; this pub will brew its own beer on-site. I popped down to the meet the team on a quiet Thursday evening. Five hand pumps were on the bar; which is great for the Redditch scene. It didn't take long for the barman to recognise me; though it took me a while to remember which pub he came from. I was then instantly given a tour of the cellar. The strangest thing was that I wasn't told anything of the forthcoming brews; instead I was treated to a tour of the fixtures. I was shown a new venting system for the beer; his plans to refurbish the cellar with cupboards and notice boards; together with his preparations of where the furniture should go. Not the most interesting of highlights for a new brewpub; but bless him; he showed me what he could. I thoroughly enjoyed the Backyard Porter; while the summer beer; although nice; was beginning to lose its condition. We concluded with a brainstorming session of future beer names.

Help the Heroes at the Peacock, Forhill

Last night’s venture into the Peacock at Forhill was an attempt to catch up on my Cask Marque ale trail. There were rumours of the pub being owned by Greene King; but on my arrival the ‘Chef and Brewer’ motif on the umbrella soon put paid to that. The beer range on the bar meant that it was certainly to be a quick survey stop, as Greene King Indian Pale and Speckled Hen were alongside Marston’s Help the Heroes beer; not a great selection. I pondered my choice in the gents as the barmaid was serving a group of diners; and slid across the floor on my way out. When I returned to the bar; it was a young chap who served me; which resulted in a pint being poured even though I recalled clearly ordering a half-pint. Their price system seems strange; £3.47 was requested; which was reduced to £1.47 when the barman identified his mistake. Nevertheless; I sat in the uninspiring beer garden and gave my friend a quick call while I guzzled through this beer stop.  

The wolf at the Leaping Salmon

After an evening spent exploring the south side of Berwick Upon Tweed’s outer walls, we ventured cautiously into the Leaping Salmon. Steve seemed to think we were lost and that we were in a chain restaurant rather than a pub; but I soon put him right. This Wetherspoons was a lot smaller than others in the country; and we struggled to find a table that hadn't yet been cleared of earlier diners. However; we chose and ordered; and our meals arrived quite quickly. Having crossed the border earlier; I was still pleasantly surprised to find the Highland Burger on the menu. I was also confused when I asked if it was the haggis beef or haggis chicken I wanted; but it turned out I got both beef and haggis. The whisky sauce was a little watered down and didn't offer much taste; but the Lone Wolf beer that accompanied it was in excellent condition. 

Fyne beers at the Argyll Hotel, Inverary

Just across from the scenic inner seas of Inverary in Scotland lies the Argyll Hotel. It's a shame that the hotel does nothing to command the magnificent views; as the hotel’s car park completely blocks the view beyond. Once inside, the small lounge bar seems even more sealed as the windows are completely covered over with wood panelling. However; the food served was of the highest quality; if not a bit overpriced. I enjoyed a well grilled steak with all the trimmings; and the sticky toffee pudding was home-made and a fair size too. There was even a real ale available; which had lost some of its flavour and I failed to catch the name. The only downer was that we seemed to be served by foreign staff again; who had to ask for assistance in finalising our order. Scotland seems to lack local services being run by local people. Perhaps these houses are run by business people that close up their hotels when they're out of season. 

All keg at Abrecknesh House

If you ever find yourself near Loch Awe and come across Abrecknesh House; I thoroughly advise that you carry on walking. We arrived to eat in good time before last food orders; and after finding seating in the lounge; we asked to see some menus. I ordered the Oban battered haddock with chips; while my friend ordered the mushroom soup with chips and another ordered the steak. The waitress who took our ordered didn't seem to know what was going on; and had an overseas accent. We had to queue at the bar for drinks ourselves; while a rushed hostess abandoned everything just before we were about to order to get a glance at an eagle which one of the locals spotted flying past outside. We waited fifty minutes for the food to arrive; during which the soup arrived but without the chips. When my fish did arrive; it seemed to be of the frozen supermarket variety and the chips were simple French fries rather than hearty Scottish fayre. My friend’s steak was also very grizzly. But if you enjoy overpriced food and neglected service; then go on over. 

Cairngorm Stag at the King's House Hotel

Nestled away from the main road and set in stunning scenery is the King’s House Hotel. Found in the stunning mountains of Glencoe; this historic restaurant is open to non-residents and serves bar meals all day alongside an extensive whisky range and two real ales. After negotiating our way through the corridor which was decorated with antique furniture and a map of the area; we reached the bar where a friendly barman advised us to order quickly as the kitchen was making preparations to close. He was also very appreciative when we paid by card; as he was low on change and the nearest bank was over thirty miles away. I ordered the venison burger and settled down to wait with a mahogany pint of Stag from the Cairngorm brewery which was in excellent condition. We had to make some room on our table as the lounge bar was very popular;  but the food arrived very quickly and was cooked to perfection. My friend’s spinach lasagne also looked very appetising. 

Cairngorm Caillie at the Claraic Inn, Glencoe

The Claraic Inn is set against the stunning scenery of Glencoe in the Scottish Highlands. Whilst primarily a inn; its large snug bar with booths and large tables are perfect for groups to curl up for a quick break from their  travels; whether by foot or road. There are also picnic benches to enjoy the mountains of the Highlands while being sheltered from the main road traffic. It has an extensive range of fifteen hand pumps; and I was very pleased to see Thirsty Cross’s Whisky Cask Cider on the end. I tried a half of Cairngorm Caillie which was in excellent condition and a new beer for me; a low gravity golden beer perfect for lunchtime. We also called in on a wet evening for dinner; and found the bar absolutely packed with walkers sheltering from their day’s expedition. This created a great atmosphere but was also rather noisy; which our designated driver was not keen on and so we decided to move on. 

The missing line

More adventures by boat today. After our hirer kitted us up; we boarded but couldn't get the engine going; which was most mysterious as it was the same boat that our hirer arrived on. Not a good omen. After captain Biggles had pulled the start cord a few times and me ducking to avoid his elbows; we headed off into the water. Moments later; coxswain Maz reported that our landing rope had disappeared off the side. We circled the loch to try and spot it; but to no avail. The only thing that we could do was to return to harbour and ask for another line. Our hirer was just seating a very patient couple into their boat as we returned and docked; then when we told him what the problem was he just simply reached into the water and pulled out a length of rope hanging from the side! Maz was so embarrassed. 

A fishy landing...

Our final island assault of the day was to be on Kilburk Castle; which was not necessarily on an island but a causeway nevertheless. However; when we arrived the jetty had a fishing rod hanging off it; and as we approached the end of the jetty seemed to be fenced off from the castle. As there were five of us in the boat; our coxswain struggled to see in front of us or hear the shouts of the fishermen; and we soon found ourselves tangled in rod line. After a lovely exchange of banter; we decided to do a fly-by before heading back; however our good Scottish friends seemed to change their mind and let us land. At first we thought it might be a trap in order to confront us; but after we landed they apologised for their behaviour and were actually quite friendly. We had a very nice walk exploring the castle; and kept an eye out on the boat but they were good to their word. I even got the chance to steer the boat on our way back; which was something I'd never done before. 

Doctor Who Chess

We’ve invented Doctor Who Chess! It's the same as normal chess, and you can even use normal chess pieces. The major difference is that at the beginning of your turn you roll a pair of dice, and if you roll a double then something crazy happens. This could be anything from a rampaging dinosaur stomping the board, and you would then have to roll for direction and how many spaces; to the doctor himself materialising on the board from out of the TARDIS; and you would also have to roll for which version of the doctor to see how he behaves and what he gets up to. There are also plans for Daleks and Cybermen; each with their own set of behaviours; and of course it is entirely possible for them to fight each other as well as the chessmen! The board can therefore become very clogged up with salt and pepper pots and sugar cubes (adipose) hanging around; but it certainly makes for a very interesting game. 

Highland Islands

Our adventures continued as we hired an outboard motor boat for the afternoon. We had prepared a picnic and our plan was to visit some large islands in the middle of the Loch. After donning our life jackets we set course for our first island; and slowly drifted into shore. Unfortunately we had to jump out; which meant my already wet clothing took a severe soaking as I landed on the beach. A short walk led us to an old chapel deep in the heart of the island with tombstones of various ages. We soon boarded and rowed back out; then let the motor kick in to explore a ruined castle on a second island. This beach was much smaller; and we had to row our boat in gently to reach the beach; but it was an excellent picnic spot. The castle’s ruins were overgrown with ripe wild strawberries which made an excellent snack. 

At the top of the country...

Today I have conquered the Scottish hill. After a very early start; we arrived at the Glen Nevis visitor centre ready to conquer its brother Ben. We made average progress as we climbed the mountain; around a thousand feet per hour. Hardly anyone was ascending; mainly due to the cloudy weather conditions. There was a bit of confusion on which way to turn as we reached the Glen; but fortunately I had my compass and a photograph of a map: and we soon found ourselves being blown to bits by rain trying very hard to be hail. As we neared the top; we had to traverse a ten feet section of snow before reaching the summit; and the very edge of the north face was covered in snow. We crawled past the old observatory with wet boots from the waterfall; gave the Victorian marker a good pat; then climbed the last few feet to the top of the ordnance survey beacon and kissed it like the Blarney Stone. 

Sherduck

Sherduck circled the site. Buttons had closed the footpath already but Sherduck always liked to survey a murder scene from the air as it was much easier to spot things that may have been left behind like the glimmer of a knife blade or the sun reflecting off a spent cartridge. However; this time he was sure that there were no such clues to be spotted and landed on top of a gravestone.

  ‘Good morning Sir’ said Buttons as Sherduck brought out a magnifying glass from underneath his wing. ‘I couldn't see any footprints in the grass as I approached; and I stuck to the grass as I asked. However, it’s been a nice day today and the informant that discovered the body was a coach party of tourists. Very difficult to isolate the area.’

‘Thank you Constable Buttons’ said Sherduck. ‘Have we managed to identify the victim?’

Buttons took a deep breath as he gazed at the body on the stone tablet. 

Too late for cake

A late start meant a nice lie-in from yesterday's travelling. However, as I wasn't driving; I was one of the first to arise; and after breakfast had been established we decided to go for a stroll down the lake. At the jetty was a hive of activity; where a Life Improvement Association were preparing their annual fete. It turns out that this wasn't a self-help group or even a cult; but to raise funds for the local environment preservation society. People were setting up displays and gazebos; and we were promised venison burgers straight from the BBQ; a display of birds of prey and old ladies selling their bake-off wares. We headed back up the hill and discovered s wonderful old bridge next to the road; and behind this was a waterfall powering a hydro-electric station. But after climbing a hill for views of the loch; by the time we had returned to rally the others the lemon drizzle cake had disappeared right under my nose; and all trace of the barbecue (apart from the smell) had vanished.