Yellow Yesterdays and Tangerine Tomorrows

I came across 'Yellow Yesterdays' while reading Arundhati Roy's The God of Small Things. At first, this seems like such a lovely, peaceful, term. The nice, bright, alliteration conjures up fond images of sunshine and childhood; of happier memories during a warm and relaxing summer. But when you think about it, it can also be used to describe decay and reflection from despair. Faded objects aged with time such as letters and photographs. Days that were once enjoyed but are now difficult to remember. Dying daffodils that were once in the prime of youth. What colour would you use to describe tomorrow? If we were to keep our alliterative theme, it would have to be tangerine. This sounds like the future will be juicy, fruitful and ripe; something to look forward to. But this title contains no element of despair. Tainted would be more realistic; suggesting that the descisions made today will creep upon the outcome of tomorrow. Yellow Yesterdays and Tangerine Tomorrows. 

Going 3-D

The magazine subscription season has started, and one of the most interesting ones that are being advertised on the TV lately is a 3-D printer. It starts off really cheap at £1.99 for your first set of pieces to assemble. But without buying the magazine, there’s no indication of how much you fork out after the trial issue. Also, what the hell do you do if you assemble it incorrectly? To be on the safe side; you can actually pick up a new one for around £600, depending on the size of what you wanted to print. I’m quite surprised that we’re not selling them at work; or even selling products that could be made on site while you wait. Just think, our primary deliveries would solely consist of sheets of plastic that we would then feed into the machine and made to the customer’s order. I suppose timescale is a factor in getting items printed; especially if you bear in mind the size of the item being printed. But to build your own is a big risk. Next year, build your own nuclear reactor…

Lady of the Pyramid

 A lone deer drinks on the beach by a calm purple sea. In front of it is a circular  pyramid  with mist surrounding the summit. Out of the mist rises a purple lady with red hair, her face looking down upon the deer below. Her hair down onto the pyramid, and it is difficult to tell where the hair ends and the mist begins. In the distance we see a white sun obscured by a grey cloud which floats across the sea, also blending into the mist in front of us. Is she a goddess? Is she the wind? Is she Mother Nature hungry for the deer? Is the deer bold to be close to the pyramid; and unafraid by this personification of nature? All I know is that it is a painting that has been in our house for a very long time, slowly moving from upstairs to downstairs as our rooms and lives are beginning to change.

Party Girls

It was a quiet January evening and we were on our second pub visit of the evening. We were in the games room and were halfway through a frame of pool when in walks the gang for their night out. They make straight for the seats opposite us then one of them announces that it's her birthday. My friend who instantly thinks he can take over the whole room upon arrival; is instantly corrected and begins to gather his belongings. Their male counterparts arrive with pints of lager for all then decide to abandon their lady friends in favour of the dartboard; right next to our pool table. The ladies then inform us all that they're off for a wee. Upon their return; they insist on informing us all on how they fell over, then insist on joining in the darts; forcing us to play around them. Sounds like a popular party all right. 

Resignation

I have worked for this company for over nine years and I have to say that this is the worst belittling of my experience that I have ever seen. Communication between the team has been at its lowest ever. Messages that should be passed directly to myself are just not being shared. I found out more about our performance through a chat with a temporary member of staff at our Christmas party than with a discussion with yourself. I can get more details of our results by searching through the public domain than off the management team. There have been so many broken promises made and so little stuck to that I can no longer find any sense in this company any more.  I am sick of being told that meetings will happen only to be ignored when the time occurs. I no longer have the willpower to continue as a muppet. You are my weakest link. Goodbye. 

A score on the door

Doors. The portal to another world. They’re crafty buggers that change your surroundings. When you step through a door it’s often hard to remember what you came in for; as naturally the first thing that your brain will do is to focus on your new environment. Doors are also the keepers of our secrets; they are the gatekeepers of our privacy. But what if they were able to pass them onto other people? Most doors once started out as a tree; and their ghostly tree spirit could come back from the past to haunt its body, and spill its secrets to others. First, the mysterious voice echoes into your dreams at night. Then, gradually a face begins to form. You could even go so far as to trust it. Of course, the door’s ultimate goal is to take its revenge and destroy you as penance for rooting it inside an urban environment. Or drive you insane by transporting you to another world.

Lend me your ears

I own a cheap pair of earphones that I use at the gym to listen to music on my iPhone. They’re just like the Apple ones; but at a fraction of the price. They even have a built-in microphone and the button that controls the volume and the playlist. They’ve lasted a fair while but the wear and tear is beginning to show. When left alone, one of the ear bud caps falls off, leaving the wires exposed. And the strange thing is that the volume likes to increase all on its own to the maximum, but only when the controls are in my left ear. This means that I constantly have to bear with the noise until I reach a point in my workout where I can turn the volume back down again. I know they’re cheap but it’s just so frustrating when things don’t work. I should really invest in some new ones but I’m determined to wear these ones down to the bone.

Car Headlights

People often get confused by car headlights. When I’m out in the van it’s amazing how many people don’t even have their sidelights on when passing through fog and overtaking me. As a general rule I always drive with my sidelights on so at least I have a slim chance of being seen. But should I put my dipped lights on when I’m leading the pack? What about in the van where my lights aren’t so bright? And then there are the evening drivers. Sometimes when I’ve got someone behind me, it’s always hard to tell whether they’re just driving over an uneven surface, or whether they’re actually flashing their lights at me. It always gets me paranoid as to whether or not they’ve spotted something wrong with my car or my driving. What we really need are lights that automatically adapt to the conditions outside; with just a safety button for dipped beams. Apparently there are already some cars that have these but they don’t always get it right; so once again technology fails us.

Escape to Reality

How do you know when you’re in the dream world and when you’re in reality? You can feel a real sense of horror without any realisation that your situation hasn’t actually happened and that you can wake up still worrying about it before realising that your incident hasn’t occurred and that you’ve merged into another world. Sometimes you know straight away that you’re dreaming and expect to wake up any second to escape to reality. The situation just gets too far-fetched. But what if the people of the dream world have the ability to cross over into the real world? Actual characters who have the potential to visit you while you’re sleeping and during the day as well? Creatures that wouldn’t normally exist, or simply those that others can’t see? Or is that just everyone else anyway? Giving too much power to the imagination can distort what you do in reality.

Radio Waves

Sometimes, when I gaze up into the sky, I see little wavy lines float in front of me. Now this could be a serious eye condition that I need to get looked at, but I tend to think that I'm seeing radio waves floating through the air waiting to be received. Perhaps if I concentrate hard enough, I can actually intercept these messages which are being transmitted. Whether they're from phones or human beings it's hard to say, but my bet is that it comes from plant life. My first ever memory of these lines comes from sitting underneath an oak tree in my first school's playground. Or maybe they're little cracks of time in which I can predict certain situations. It's one of those things that you wonder 'Is it just me' but it's hard to talk about because other people may just think you're mad or be very concerned that you need an eye test. 

Dreaming up the Viewpoints

The other strange dream I had concerned a bus in Peterborough. My friend and I had arrived in the city for our annual beer conference; and had got talking to a lovely couple who had offered to give us a lift to the city centre in their camper van. So on we boarded and was handed a beer as we set off. But as soon as we entered the city's ring road system we found ourselves heading the wrong way up a duel carriageway with opposing traffic swerving all around us and our kind drivers were laughing their heads off. Eventually we swerved just as we were crossing a bridge and crashed through the barrier and onto the road below. Our vehicle was totally squashed just like a cartoon, and my friend legged it round the corner unscathed while I stood there deciding what to do. The interesting thing was that I dreamt the swerving bit while inside the camper van; but when it came to driving off the bridge; I dreamt that from the view of outside. Whether I jumped out of the vehicle or not I'm unsure; but it was like dreaming up my very own movie scene. 

A hoppy dream

I had some interesting dreams last night; partly because I drank three very hoppy beers and left the bedroom light on. The first one was going to see a show with a local work colleague in Redditch. I had no idea what I was seeing as I paid to go in, but it only turned out to be £2.50. I was asked where I wanted to sit and chose the stalls; then as I was early I decided to take a look at the balcony. When I returned to the ground floor the show (which was a movie) had already started, and I struggled to spot where my friend was sitting. I spotted her right in the front row on a different block; then as I returned to the wings the film seemed to come to life and candies started to get up and dance in the aisles. I never managed to catch up with my friend and had to find her as soon as possible the following day to apologise to her. It’s amazing what a few hops can do to you.

Highchairs in the Gym

One of the strangest concepts that I’ve discovered recently is that there are high chairs in the gym I use. There are no major facilities for children – just a small learner’s pool and the sports hall which is used for a variety of uses. And yet a small café at the end of the corridor has decided to provide high chairs for their smaller customers. But why? It’s not like they’re going to be tied up there for hours on end for a three course meal. The corridor seems to be the social scene for the gym; there’s probably even people who never even go there to exercise; but just use it as a meeting point. At least it’s not coming out of membership – amazingly I got a discount this year. But I had hoped that they would have invested in something like a feedback programme or maybe installing Wi-Fi for us paying folk.

Responding to Jehovah

 I'm always dreaming up witty conversations for situations that never occur; and one of these is to respond to  Jehovah's witnesses. They typically get dressed up in their Sunday dress and knock  on your door to ask in a daydream-like voice; 'What do you think about war?' without any reference to any country at all. Of course, what they really want you to do is pray with them then sell you a bible. The best one is when they announce that they're looking for God and you can actually point them up the hill in the direction of the church. You can even offer to give them a lift; or shout in frustration at them when they walk away to your neighbour's house as if acting in ignorance. You can even get into a real John Cleese style rant and get very concerned about their well being; and even offer them a lift to the hospital to get them checked out. 

Panicing the Elite

I’ve managed to upset the beery weirdies. Apparently by agreeing to publicise a pub’s promotion to recruit more members to our beer club at no cost to ourselves has raised some concern. It has broken waves in the higher circles. But no-one seems to know what the issue is. Is it the logos? Well, they were supplied by a member of our headquarters so that’s all legit. Is it an irresponsible offer? Well, at the end of the day, that’s up to the individual to decide whether to partake or not. People have been asking me about it, saying that they’ve had flurries of phone calls and e-mails but are currently debating whether it is acceptable or not. Me, I’m all for it. Any scheme to increase our membership at no cost to us it great. If people are concerned that the pub is trying to buy votes for the CAMRA Good Beer Guide then they also need to consider what other pubs do and understand the concept of trading in a competitive market. But if they expect me to demand the offer to be withdrawn; then they have truly lost the plot and I wonder how independent this organisation wants to be.    

Milk crisis

We're low on milk. But this wasn't a problem as I'd had a kebab the night before so was happy to eat my breakfast cereal quite late in the morning. I had to go down town to visit the bank so I offered to get some on the way back. However, my father had needed the exercise and said that he was going to walk to the paper shop so he'd get some then. So off I went to the bank, paid in my cheques then returned home. As I got closer I was looking out for him; expecting to see him walking down the hill or be up ahead in front of me but all was quiet. As I approached the door it was unlocked; so it was either yes or no. And it was an annoying no. Apparently Mum had returned just as he was setting out; so the mission was abandoned as they decided to have a cup of tea and use the last of the milk. And what was the consolidation? A cup of hot chocolate, not realising why I actually needed milk. So off I went early and into Gregs who had stopped their breakfast deals; leaving me with  a chicken and bacon baguette as a choice for a late brunch. 

Pub Sulk

I quite often get invited out to the pub, but lately there's been not much in the way of compromise when we decide where to go. A few weeks ago my friend wanted to visit a particular pub and I agreed on the proviso that we visit a closer pub en route. My friend decided that he wasn't feeling very well and he didn't want to do this because there would be some walking involved which he wasn't up to. Surely it would make better sense waiting until he felt better to accommodate both visits; and to spend the evening recovering instead? But no. I flatly refused to accommodate his request and we ended up sulking in a pub more local instead; him playing with his mobile phone with me staring at him with wonder. It was a good job that the darts were being shown otherwise I would have left him to it. 

I saw something in the woodshed.

I’ve just finished reading Cold Comfort Farm. It’s an interesting story with a very entertaining narrative. It’s like an early version of Emmerdale where the new girl meets the rural post-gen family and attempts to install common sense within. From the start; Flora is portrayed as an upper-class brat who always gets her way; expects to be waited on and never assists her cousins with the day-to-day running of the household. That said, the story is riddled with plot holes. We never find out what offended Flora’s cousin; or what Aunt Ada saw in the woodshed; or even what those magical words were that convinced her to leave the farm after twenty years. We also know little of the mysterious Charles who seems to rescue her when the author gets bored of the novel. There is so much more for the author to take development of; especially for a first-time novel. The saddest part is that the attitude of Flora never changes. Even though Aunt Ada lets go of her ‘Milk Producers’ Weekly Bulletin and Cow Keepers Guide’, Flora still clings onto her copy of ‘The Higher Common Sense’.    

Next up is The God of Small Things; looks to be a bit of a bulky one.

Word Collapse

If you want an irritating word game, then look no further than Word Collapse. The word list is limited but it won’t tell you what they are. I mean, who the hell eats a papaya as one of their five a day (only a horny Indian, according to Wikipedia). There’s no undo feature so if you make a mistake then you have to restart the level, but not the game’s soundtrack. The music is a long drawn out drawl tone that’s supposed to be relaxing but is in just too high a pitch. Fortunately the music is not in a loop, but just leaves silence. And to access the extra levels is quite cunning; you have a choice of forking out the cash or spend over an hour watching sponsor videos to earn the credits. The game has a comments bar but its in-built word filter won’t let you publish any negative comments. You could have a great game here; you just need to finish building it! Anyway, you can be annoyed here.

More time for thinking

I was watching SpongeBob SquarePants the other day and a great line came out of Patrick; the dimwitted starfish. When asking what he most wanted in the world he replied; ‘More time for thinking’. What a stroke of genius. How many social situations can you think of that things would have turned out for the better if you had a bit more time for thinking? It’s like you need a personal pause button to consider all the options before making the best decision. But you’ve always got that other person in front of you waiting for an answer. Where to go for dinner? What are the places you can visit on the way to dinner to cross off items on your own personal to-do list? How will the other person react? And yet, that pause will really make the other person think that you’re the dim-witted one if you don’t include them in the thought process. ‘More time for thinking’? Best response ever.

Wasail!

Last night I attended my first ever Wassail! I was invited by the organisers who run events for our community orchard, and I fully intended to take part in the spirit of the occasion by borrowing my two year old niece’s drum to awaken the spirits of the trees. We met in a nearby car park then marched over to the green; banging our instruments as we went. On arrival we were given hot mulled cider then gathered round the Wassail tree where the town crier began proceedings. A hooded axe man representing the council portrayed too accurately how the orchard should be cut down so that the land could be used for housing. Then the farmer arrived; dressed as a giant apple; forcing the fruit into the councillor’s mouth and a chase ensued where the giant apple promptly fell over. We even sang ‘Juice-erulam’. It was a great atmosphere and had a much better feel to it than singing Auld Lang Syne around the coffee table on New Year’s Day. So drink ale and Wassail!

Gladiator...Historia

A new and novel game has finally arrived on my favourite gaming site. Based on the traditional Roman gladiator, you are a lone warrior who must battle against everyone who enters the arena and survive as long as you can. The action is fast and furious, and you can really let off some steam as enemies try to surround you in the later levels. The game itself claims to be based on a true story on a brutal gladiator named Brutilius; though this does get a bit far-fetched when a T-red enters the battleground. It’s a shame that the game is limited to waves; there is so much more that could be done to this such as extra levels and more dangerous opponents; or even the chance to earn coins to purchase weapons, power-ups and special moves. So far I’ve only managed to get to wave 30, but I only have one achievement left to unlock.

You can check out the game here.

I am Paul

There’s been a lot of international attention in Paris lately over the shooting of cartoonists. I usually don’t tend to comment too much on the news as often not all facts to the argument are presented; which can misguide the observer’s opinion. It’s often hard to actually find out about what happened when everyone is taking about the latest developments. I didn’t know until googling the story as to whether Charlie was an individual or a company name. However, this does seem like a blatant act of terrorism. No-one knows the exact motives; whether financial, political or prejudicial; and no-one will know unless the perpetrators are caught, questioned and co-operate truthfully with their answers. And that's only if the suspects choose to. Until then, we can only speculate. But if people are assigning blame to the nanny state complaining that this could have been prevented; they need to remember that if everything can be prevented, then nothing will happen. And that means Christmas too.

No Questions Asked

This catchphrase was the theme for an episode of the American sitcom How I Met Your Mother. It was used when one of the central characters needed a favour and the reasons for it had to be kept secret. We saw some brilliant scenarios such as breaking into a hotel room to delete a text message from a mobile and rescuing them from a tirade of children in the classroom. But the key phrase opens up a whole variety of scenarios. It could be a verbal agreement that you're allowed to use the phrase once a year. If you've accidentally run over the family cat on your way out to work; would you ask your best friend to replace it without any questions? You could even make it as a movie title exploring relationships within couples or flat mates. Would you perform a task if someone asked you to do it with no questions asked? How well do you know and trust them? And what would you be able to ask someone to do without them questioning your motives?

Slumbering out of Reality

I lately wake up very early in the morning quite naturally on account of having to work very early shifts. Last night I thought I was late for my morning shift when it turned out that it was actually seven ‘o’ clock in the evening and not many people tend to ring me in the morning anyway. Then I woke up after an odd dream thinking that I’d booked a bed and breakfast in a neighbouring hotel and needed to find out where it was. I’d walked past the address a few days before and saw a park; a large abandoned concrete structure that was being dismantled and a railway bridge; but still couldn’t find the B & B. Then I remembered that I work in the town where the B & B is and there were no such landmarks. Further sanity refreshed me that I’d never even booked Clavendon House, so all my fears were wasted. A good cup of tea was in order to wake up properly.

Time for tea

For me, making tea is an art form. You can’t just chuck a bag in a mug then add hot water. It needs to stew for at least three minutes to release the flavour, then add just the right amount of milk for that creamy taste without watering it down. But apparently there are good teabags and there are bad teabags. I thought bad teabags just made it taste watery. But no. Everyone else thinks they are awful; which would explain the abandoned mugs all around the workplace. For me, I just think it tastes a bit milky, so it’s probably easier to put less milk in. Now that I come to think of it, I can never get that lovely brown colour out of the teabags at work. Still, a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down, so drink up or stop complaining and make your dam own.

Battling with browsers

I’ve been having a lot of problems with Internet Explorer lately. I know that the internet connection is working as I can receive it on my phone. The main problem seems to be just getting a general browser to work. It will take absolutely ages to load and then seize up, forcing me to shut down the system only to experience the same thing all over again. Chrome is sometimes a bit more reliable but refuses to work with Norton IdentifySafe so I can’t log into any sites. It may actually be something to do with IdentitySafe itself as last night it was trying to repair itself; though I gave up and cancelled towards the end of the evening and decided that sleep was a much better option. It’s actually very distracting as I can’t get any project work done or get any updates sorted. Sometimes like today it works seamlessly; but I often wonder for how long. I wish it would be self-repairing or at least tell me what the matter with it is. It probably wants me to give my credit card details to someone.

Weather or not...

At the back of our stockroom is a small video screen which shows what's happening in our loading bay. This screen has been of some amusement owing to the weather recently, which has resulted in some rather interesting results. This morning, there was quite a bit of fog around, of which the screen displayed snow that was heading back up into the sky. I had to check the front door first to ensure that it wasn't snowing and my curiosity was only satisfied when I opened the door to make sure that we weren't being sucked up into the sky and onto the moon. Then just yesterday we had heavy rain and a number of raindrops were permanently displayed as a vortex wormhole; ready to receive an army of soldiers from another dimension. I wonder what will happen when it snows. Maybe just plain broad daylight? Or perhaps a bright white screen with nothing else to show? Only time will tell. 

Rock the Boat

I put the news on this morning to see the worst report ever. We were told that the reporter had just been running into an Italian harbour to witness the arrival of a boat carrying immigrants from Africa. We don’t know why they were immigrating or where they had come from; all we were told was that they were immigrants. We were told that some people had blankets which we could clearly see behind him. The reporter then pointed out that one of them had a torch; and that this must have come in handy during the voyage. He may as well have told us that the boat was red or that it was night time. There was no actual news story; he was simply describing what we were seeing. Perhaps he thought he was on the radio rather than the television. If the point of TV news journalism is to point out the obvious then I should be making millions by now.

Cats should be seen then chased away

I have nearly ran over next door's cat. I didn't mean to; it was just there; standing in the way as I was preparing to pull onto the driveway. I did a quick check to see that there  were no cars coming; no pedestrians and no-one on the driveway. But of course, it's hard to see something that's just over a foot high standing behind the wall. I flashed my high beams then looked about but I couldn't see it at all. So I had to get out the car and work out where it was; but by the time I had done that; it was certainly not in front of the car. When I returned to the driver's seat, it was slowly walking up the hill. I wanted to chase it but decided to pull the car onto the driveway first. Curiously enough; this may have been watched by my next door neighbour; who was visiting her parents across the street. She was watching me as I was returning to the car. Then when I got out the car she had disappeared; but guess where the cat was heading towards? I may have to buy them a cat flap next year in order to avoid leaving them a dead moggy. 

Happy New Year!

Last night it was insisted that I attend a New Year's Eve party. As I was due to drive to work early the next day, I was quite happy spending the evening alone watching telly alongside some comfort food but apparently this would not do. Instead I was required to  drive my parents to their friend's family party so they had they luxury of going home when they wanted instead of stopping overnight. And conversation was certainly difficult. A lot of people were feeling sorry for my situation which I really didn't want; and was confined with just one beer which I proceeded to top up with lemonade throughout the evening. That beer lasted three hours; I think it's the longest time I've taken to drink a beer without throwing it away. Anyway, as the party was full of raving alcoholics arguing about the results of the party games; it really wasn't a good place to be. I need to get out of this place.