Beached

Life from another world has finally arrived. They’ve dropped scout ships into the atmosphere; and they’ve just skimmed across the sea to the first landmass that they could find. They’ve managed to balance themselves atop three sticks that were conveniently stuck into the beach for a rest. Then daylight broke and ape-like creatures began appearing all over the place. What would be the next best thing to do? Should they beam them up for analysis? They could do that so long as it was discreet so as not to draw attention to themselves. They’re presently not posing a threat. Should they go and explore? But how would the apes react? Would they become hostile? It would be far better to wait until there were fewer of them. But how long will that be? A plan needs to be devised so that we can react to their reactions. Until then, it’s a stand-off.

Second Breakfast Prep #devilsdaughter7

Luke stirred. He felt smaller than usual until he’d realised that the bed that he’d been sleeping on had broke during the night. He’d remember that he’d been locked out and that a luscious lady had invited him to call room service but they’d ended up doing other things. He could hear water running from the bathroom next door. Perhaps he should treat the lady to a few things to say his thanks as they departed. Breakfast and a morning stroll around the shops perhaps. Then Lucinda entered the room and he felt really small.  

‘Oh good, you’re up’ she said. ‘They don’t really make towels in my size so I just end up using the bedsheets.’ The floor creaked as she reached for a corner of the bed. He revelled in the view that was in front of him. Had she gotten even bigger?

Lucinda caught him looking. ‘Would you like to go for another round? I don’t have to check out until twelve.’

Party Animals

It’s a defiance of time. It’s a fight. But you can see the ripples of time behind them as well as on them where the skin begins to sag. But it’s a moment when they say no to the struggle and refuse the facts of ageing. Who knows; they might be re-enacting ventures of old; especially with their outfits. There’s no way of knowing what they’re going to do next. Another boogie, a rest for a drink or simply a stage dive right into the heart of the entertainment. And you never know what those disco lights might bring up. Is it a butterfly, some confetti, a torn napkin or a clothes label? They may suffer for it the day after, or their body may catch up with them any minute and cease right now. But they’re certainly on the move and having a go of it to make it count.

It's rugby but not as you know it #dreamdiary 81

I’ve been asked to sit in as a reserve for a rugby match. It’s the team’s grand league final and I’m told that I probably won’t have to play but they need someone on the bench so that they can qualify. They’re in a low-level league but some of the players have connections to the national team so this match might be televised. I fish out my old thick rugby top and make my way to the changing rooms. They’re deserted apart from bags on the benches and pre-match clothes hanging on the walls. I make my way to the pitch which I assume is on the other side of the hill where the cheering is coming from. There are flowers on this field which are quite bright which must’ve benefited from the adjacent pitch. As I get closer, I notice that the flower is shaped like a prism; it’s practically like a gem that you would collect in a video game. Suddenly, a white rabbit runs straight in front of me and darts between my legs. Then the ground starts to rumble…

Maui (Banks's) Tropical Pale Ale at the Rising Sun, Redditch

It’s nice enough to have a board of beers on display; and it’s especially helpful when the bar is crowded; but it’s even nicer to recognise the beer by its clip. I’m amazed by the lengths that some brewers will go to in order to produce a professional looking pump clip. This one looks like a plain background at first, but as you get closer you can see the embossed palm trees begin to take shape. It’s as if it’s drawing your eyes to a tropical climate. We drink with our eyes so we choose with our eyes and hope that the quality of the beer is reflected in that of the clip. Brewers will do fancy things to dress up their pumps; whether it’s lighting them up with red LEDs for eyes or flashing Rudolphs; or putting miniature Christmas hats on the tops and covering the levers with tinsel. It’s no wonder that some of them are sought after just for their appearance.

New Greene King Initative only does half the job

It’s great news that Greene King is recognising social isolation and is encouraging more people to pop into its pubs. But it’s a difficult task to launch this in the early winter; especially when the cold and dark season is about to get worse. It just provides an excuse not to attend. The trouble with hosting group events is that if you’ve missed the first meeting then you’ll already feel a bit behind. This can put anyone off from being included in an existing group. To be truly effective, you really need to seek volunteers who are willing and able to recognise and tolerate the problems associated with social isolation, and be able to counsel those affected to come out and play. Their Friday night policy may just make things worse as it’s the busiest time for a pub and they may not enjoy mingling with the crowds. Otherwise you’re just inviting singletons to put money into your coffers.

Acorn Darkness at The Rising Sun, Redditch

There’s some right drudgers that work at my local chain pub. It’s clear that they’re only there for the money and not for the experience in the hospitality sector, and I wonder sometimes how they ever passed an interview. There’s a blonde who never smiles but she’s slowly seeing me as a regular. I’m tempted to ask her for a pint and a smile but she’s been known to exercise her right refuse people service if they get too flirty. Then there’s the foreigner who’s also stern but don’t give him a large order or he’ll forget it. Finally, there’s the scrawny duty manager who always looks as if he’s only in it for the money and I wonder what would happen if a situation arose where he had to manage. It’s a shame because there used be some gorgeous barmaids who always smiled and were happy for a chat and a flirt. But to be honest, the main reason that I go there is to try the cheap, differing ales.

Shoud I Stay or Should I go?

You really need to look at the pros and cons of each job. Why do you want to leave your current job? Is it because of low pay; not enough hours; or is it a different career? Is it easier or harder to travel to your new job?  Or maybe it’s because you don’t enjoy the job, your colleagues or your work environment, but you hang in there because it’s a secure one. The problem that your current employer faces is that they must find someone else to replace you; and the fact that they want you to stay shows that they do value your contribution to the team. There’s absolutely no harm in showing your current boss your new deal; providing that you can trust them in confidence. You may want to keep the new employer anonymous so that they don’t have any opportunity to sabotage your job offer. The easiest way to do this is to make a comparative list of the benefits and present this to your current employer. If they’re serious about upgrading your current employment status; get them to put this in writing. Don’t forget that it’s your decision and not theirs.

The Nut Case

Mum’s got herself a brand new suitcase with a combination travel lock. She’s chosen her three-digit code but the only problem is that she’s somehow managed to change the code while the case is open. There’s a switch which you slide to change the combination and she must have knocked one of the dials and the lock at the same time. I managed to reset it the first time it occurred but this time it’s a different dial. Fortunately we had a tiny travel padlock on our person to lock the case, not that it would stop someone if they were desperate. But the new combination still needs to be found and reset. We haven’t been called forward to open the case by the authorities yet; though I suppose there’s nothing to stop a criminal from using either of these methods if they really need to. But on the other hand, a second outside lock is a good way of protecting your case from corrupt transportation staff.

The Day Trip

How many people does it take to change a lightbulb? If it’s a group of students, then it’s four. It takes a special expedition to select a shade which can only be done on a Saturday when they have no lectures. And let’s assume that they’ve all been out the night before so they need the morning to recover. Perhaps it’s a guilty outing to replace something that they’ve broken the night before. Meanwhile, one of them has planned for the day after and has decided to treat them to a Sunday roast. This requires purchasing a potato masher and no other equipment. It then requires one of them to carry this purchase home like a one-armed weapon. It doesn’t occur to any of them that this was an object that they could simply slide into their pockets; unless they were already full of vegetables. I’d hate to think where they stuck the carrots.

The List

It is inevitable that when only half the household is away from the premises for an extended amount of time; the ones that remain must face the dreaded list; usually a list of chores that are expected to be completed before the dominant half returns. Of course, what the dominant half expects is that their usual maintenance tasks will be completed on top of the list; which already increases the workload for those that remain; especially if you’re more dependent of that person. Usually I try to pinpoint the precise point of return and get all the maintenance tasks done in one work burst in the nick of time so that I can spend some of the time as I please. But a rigorous amount of planning is often involved to ensure that the extra tasks are completed, and the key is not to let them build up. If they do build up, I ensure that a good initial hiding place is established with an aim to rectify it later.

We Live for the Moments to Die For

We all need something to look forward to. When we’re going through the daily routine, we must picture that we’re working towards some kind of enjoyment. And those are the days that you can truly forget about the grind. Sometimes when you’ve got something relaxing planned; you don’t appreciate the fun of it all because you’ve got too much on your plate. It’s during these times that you really need to reduce your workload or your mind just won’t veer away from the subject. Do this and you can truly live in the moment with little fear of consequences. Fail, and you know that you need to spend more time sorting things out. So even when you think you’ve got time to kill, just think of those little tasks that could be completed to make your free time so much more enjoyable. Then those moments can be savoured for even longer.

The Annual Attempt

Me and a friend have an ambition to play an 18-hole golf course. Every year we get ready and do some training by having a day at the driving range followed by a quick game of pitch and putt. The next step is to play a full nine-hole course. By this time, it’s August and we’re still pretty shitty and not ready to play a full course. We both work irregular shifts and it’s worse for my mate as he’s a farmer so when the weather’s good he’s called into action however late the hour is. I’m also worried that the local course might finish him off as it’s right in the middle of a valley. What we ideally need is somewhere that’s nice and flat with good accessibility to a golf cart that doesn’t mind a couple of amateurs playing at their own place. Such a place would be hard to come by and might be expensive too, which is why need to up our skill level.

Vouch for your Vouchers

It’s great that companies are offering vouchers for future purchases when you make that big spend. But you must be careful of the terms and conditions. The key one to watch out for is the expiry date. Nowadays, if you buy something that’s less than the voucher, the remainder of the balance usually expires as well. If you’re struggling to find something to spend your voucher on, a wise investment would be to to buy something that’s just over the voucher limit on the very last day. Usually you’ll be covered by the retailer’s equivalent of a guarantee in case you change your mind. That way you can trade the item in for something that you do want. And if you still haven’t made your mind up you can trade your item in for store credit on the last day of the guarantee. You’ll usually find that this credit note will last a lot longer than the term of the voucher.

Hobsons Best Bitter at the Little Lark, Studley

This local’s pub has stood the test of time but seems to have transformed itself lately into a pub for fine dining. The traditional horseshoe bar has been knocked through to form one long bar in the pub’s centre; which has surely lost some patronage space towards the back. The front of the pub still retains its lounge and log fire but cushions have been added to give it a cosy feeling. The tables aren’t set for food, but each place has a menu in the form of a laminated placement. There’s also a blackboard with daily specials. Three real ales adorn the bar in reasonable condition, and a large sign outside proclaims that one of them is “brewery-fresh”; presumably because the brewery itself is two miles down the road. The pub also used to print its own newspaper; and an old printing press together with a selection of amusing headlines forms the décor.

Stath Lets Flats (Series 2)

I can't believe that this bunch of whiners got given a second series. Very little has changed since we left them; and there’s slow development in this one too. It’s still a world where no-one wants to take any responsibility and they all want to live without consequence. The characters are all hopeless and haven’t got much chance when it comes to adapting to change; preferring that the world forgets about them and leaves them alone. They can’t even arrange their own lives so it’s no wonder they’re useless when they try to assist with someone else’s. There’s just no realism. Who calls the landlord to sort the neighbours out? And how can you sit in the middle of a road for four hours without holding anyone up? Are we expected to believe that people are that ignorant? There are also weird and unnecessary moments of emphasis which are annoying rather than humorous. It’s therefore not surprising that they can’t get on with ordinary people. It’s refreshing to see Dean stand up as he refuses to take the shit laid down by everyone else. But the whole thing is just surreal.

Crossed Wires

I’ve always had communication problems with my Uncle. When I speak to him, he seems a kind-hearted intelligent soul; but there are gaps that slip through probably on account of my early hearing problems. I’ve also been a bit too honest in the past which has lowered his opinion of me; probably when I dropped off some gifts and stated that I was only delivering as I was passing anyway with no tact. There was also a hint that we should play golf together. My concern was that my ability was way below his; however I thought that he was contacting me and he thought that the same of me and it never transpired. The only hint that we heard that it may be happening was through our female relatives. However, in later years, I’m not the only one in his family that has been neglected. Concern only seems to occur when we’re out of the country.

Ministress of Justice #empress3

‘Bring forth the next case’ announced a large female voice.

The doors opened once more and the people in front of him finally ventured in. They’d all been waiting for over two hours for The Empress to hear their case, and he was getting a bit weary of having to share a waiting area with a bunch of criminals. His was only a territorial dispute with his neighbour over a paddy field; but the atmosphere was tense. Already there had been three fights and it looked like the intervention from the guards inside the courtroom weren’t putting people off from gearing up for a fourth. With each disruption the guards had simply dragged the offenders away; presumably to a holding area of the city. There they would be dealt with before returning…come to think of it he hadn’t seen any of his fellow civilians exit the court. Perhaps there was a contraflow system in place to avoid congestion in the city.

Grog Glasses

When do you think that you’ve had enough? For me it’s when the world becomes blurry. It’s not just when the booze kicks in; it also happens when I’m tired. But in others you only have to look at their face to see how they’re coping. They may not be ready to admit it themselves; but their big idiotic grinning faces and wonky eyes gives it away. Speech is also a factor especially if it’s slurred; but you must bear in mind that the person may have a disability that causes them to act that way anyway. The same goes for movement. They might grasp their drinks tighter like children as if someone may snatch their treat away from them at any moment. They may be a bit wobbly on their feet especially when music is involved. It’s when the mind is willing but the body can’t cope that situations get interesting.

Back in Time #dreamdiary 80

I’m back at university and I’m studying the history of the word. It’s the first lecture of the semester and everything seems to be a bit of a rush. My professor starts off with a talk about the course then halfway through he decides to test our knowledge and throws in a paper for us to answer. It takes me a while to get into the flow of things as I plan out what I’m going to write, but the professor dashes out the door without a word as soon as the bell rings. As I gather my things, I suddenly realise that the campus is actually my old high school. The next day is a holiday and I get invited to go on a walk with a local student. We catch the train out of town and hike back through the countryside. The day after I’m back on campus and my local friends who aren’t students have asked me to show them around the new campus. We enter via the playing fields and reminisce about our past days. As we pass the old slide, it suddenly occurs to me that the professor didn’t set a date for us to finish the paper, and that I should make haste to finish it before the next lecture.

Making Waves

I find it strange that some people are afraid of going in the sea. If it’s calm then there’s no chance at all of being swept out. I could understand if they can’t swim but if the water is calm then surely they’d dip their toe in for a bit of a paddle. Sometimes dipping your toe in is all you need to convince the rest of your body to take the plunge. And once you’re in, it’s easier to convince a friend to come and join you. Then you can literally make waves with those around you; whether it’s cooling each other or racing each other back to the shore. Or if you’re really up for throwing caution to the wind, why not indulge in your very own water aerobics? Be careful though, some may think you’re doing your own rendition of YMCA and may want to join in albeit with the wrong idea.

Spreading the Hate

As the nights draw in our attention is drawn not to what to see and do in our spare time but to spread the hate. That’s right, it’s election time. Our social media accounts will be blasted by our fellow man trying to spread rumours about opposing political parties with fake conversations in big letters. I haven’t come across a single one of these posts that isn’t positive. You’re more likely to read a photoshopped picture of the opposition wearing a chicken hat and spending taxpayer money than a genuine pic of them visiting volunteers on the streets. And it gets to a point where it makes you think if you really want to know these people. So please think twice before you press your friend’s like button, or at least stand up to the hype by asking them why they think that way. It’s time to find out why people want to spread the hate.

Watch the Walls

How many shots have I been in but never acknowledged? How many shadows have I brought into the world? Without me, they might not have been. And I always look my best. With a bit of practice, I can blend in to match the colours around me. No-one ever notices the cracks or wrinkles on me either. Sometimes people capture the movement of an eyebrow that I’ve raised to witness what’s going on. Sometimes I purposefully move myself to make the image blurred; especially if they’re an annoying lot. Maybe one day I’ll show them my face. Perhaps some glue might come loose to roll down the wallpaper. I might even shake some nails off. That’ll give them a scare. After all, the attention’s never on me. Everyone assumes that the noise or the vibration’s coming from the other side. No-one ever suspects that something’s inside, waiting to come out.

How much salary per month is enough to live in the UK?

It depends how you want to live. Are you here solely to survive or are you looking for a life of luxury with your own private yacht (though there are much better places to live in with your own private yacht)? Do you want to live on your own, or in a shared house with other people? Do you need to support others and are you entitled to benefits? Some people do low-income jobs but still live with their family so most domestic bills would be taken care of. But some people live on the streets for which you don’t need a salary for; though I imagine that they would certainly like one. And of course, it depends on the area you choose and the facilities that you require too. A car (whether luxury or not), TV, phone and your preferred method of sustaining yourself all adds to the cost.

Monkey Mother

I’d love to spend an afternoon dozing away in a hammock. It’d have to be a luxury one or one with a padded cushion if it’s one of those cheap net jobs. And it would have to be somewhere solitary where no-one can roll you out. A hot climate would be ideal because then you wouldn’t have to worry too much about leaving the hammock out overnight. Of course, you’ll need a drink to stay refreshed but the question is where do you put it? Do you hang onto your vessel numbingly tight? Can you make use of a barstool or an extra-tall table? Even then you would to lean over and run the risk of tumbling out. What you need is a cup holder that’s ideally built into your armrest or in between your legs. And how about some speakers and a small screen? Before you know it, you’ve transformed your hammock into a pod similar to that of a long-haul first-class flight.

Small actions beat big intentions

There are jobs to be done. But are you prioritising the right ones? Cleaning jobs, although mind-numbingly dull, don’t take that long once you put your mind to it and get it done. It’s just the energy and conditions that are required to do it. It’s not something that you might do in the middle of the night or if it’s cold and wet outside. But how much time do we spend thinking about things rather than doing them? There’s always something else that you could be doing, and it’s not necessarily productive to your goals. But if you distract yourself too much, then the task may never be done. That’s why you need to plan what you do. To get those big intentions done, you need to break them down into smaller tasks. That way, it’ll flow from the beginning to the end, and if you feel that you must take a break, you can when you’ve finished a step.

Goldfish

We slurp up alcohol like fish in a tank. You could say it’s what keeps us swimming in circles, big though they sometimes are. It’s what we must always be kept in otherwise we’ll be flipping up and down on a slab. Some people even breathe it out the day after they take it in. Perhaps it’s a reminder of how we evolved. And tavern owners hook us in by making their premises attractive and comfortable, not to mention discounts which another waiter will conveniently forget about when handing you your bill. Bronze is the colour they look out. They know that these people are the sun-seekers who have cash in their pocket and they’re able to convert it into gold. But if we’re happy, other passers-by will want to join in too. And if the owner is on to too much of a good thing, then he might need a bigger tank.

The Checker-Off-erer

One thing that I hate in my job is when other people try to tell you how to perform it. The most common incident is when you’re facing a horde of people anxious to collect their stuff and they’re constantly pointing out to you where each item is. I realise that some of these people have been waiting a while and that if some of my colleagues were a bit more alert then we wouldn’t have this problem; but when you greet someone and all they do is point then I think it’s quite rude. Usually I get my revenge by making a point of reading each number out aloud on the receipt and matching it to their product. It’s what I have to do anyway to ensure that the correct item goes to its new owner; otherwise we’d just be putting things out on a table for anyone to grab.

Network Cards

At work we’ve had problems selling network cards for some time. When we sell them, we’re usually prompted to swipe the card to activate it. However, since the new range launch the till proceeds with the sale but all we’re selling is a bit of cardboard with no monetary value. To combat the problem, they’ve issued us with replacement cards under a different selling code. To further complicate things, they’ve repaired the previous problem with a code that prints out after the transaction is completed. The most frustrating thing about this issue was that the company was very lax in informing us of their solution. This meant that people were still expecting cards to be swiped but nothing would happen. One simple briefing on the company’s network site would have resolved the matter. Instead, individuals would post the issue which meant that responses had to be answered; and of course not everyone is going to read every post.

Fitbit Inspire HR

I’ve had a Fitbit for just short of two years. The buckle broke which held the screen to the strap. It slides back in again but it doesn’t hold for long. So I felt it time to cash in on the warranty policy of my Charge 2 and seek a replacement. I looked at the competition and almost settled on a Charge 3, but then I discovered that the Inspire HR did the same thing as a Charge 3 but was £30 cheaper on account of a day less in battery life. The first thing that I noticed when I got it out of the box was that it had both a small and large strap. This is great news as I have a medium wrist so if the small strap was to break, I could use a tighter fitting on the larger strap. But there were also disappointments. When I came to charge it, I got a less than generous six inches of cable to charge it. This meant that I had to balance it on something to allow it to rest upon a surface. The other thing that will take some getting used to is the magnetised cradle to charge it as the fitting seems quite loose. However, I’ve already done my first swim which I could never have done with my old one. Hopefully it will last as long.