L'eau de me

I often wonder what’s the right amount of human odour. Obviously I get my daily dose of deodorant; but there’s often an after smell depending on what I'm doing. If I'm straight out of the shower from the gym; I get a lovely sweat mustiness rubbed into me for the day. Some odd lavatorial habits can also leave me prone to a smell which is sweated out slowly through my skin.  I sometimes wonder if it’s a smell that I can smell and others can’t, which sometimes makes me a bit paranoid and embarrassed as to what is the cause, and it can often undermine my confidence sometimes too. Am I truly getting away with it? Maybe I've got a heightened sense of smell anyway. It’s not something that you can politely ask; so it really is difficult to tell. Of course the trick is to be prepared at all times but sometimes it’s just not possible when you’re in a rush. 

Am I Special?

After a leading supermarket decided to withdraw its supply of mental patient Halloween costumes from its shelves; I'm currently wondering what my official status is. I got very confused at a pub on Thursday when an old lady thought that my friend was looking after a group of us. But on a lot of occasions I do say the wrong thing or display negative behaviour because of what someone else had said. At a party on Friday it was very hard to interact with other people. I have noticed lately that I sometimes react too quickly to what others say; and that often it can be interpreted as rude. For instance; at Drayton Manor the other day I echoed the phrase "whatever's easier for you" when I took a wheelchair apart so that my friend could join the ride. Often being smart and commenting on the service being offered does not necessarily mean that the service will instantly be improved. And on that very night I also had a dream about quick speak reactions resulting in isolation. I've also had problems in responding to jokes in jest; and my response has often been too serious.  So I'm currently  evaluating my social skills and what can be done about it. 

The Complaint

So yesterday we had the angry consumer in the shop. He'd bought a CD player with Bluetooth only to find out that there was no Bluetooth. There was clearly a Bluetooth logo in the catalogue; yet nothing in the on-line description. And naturally; he wanted to know what we were going to do about it. So we did some research and it turned out that we could offer him a Pioneer unit at a great price; but it wasn't available today. For some reason this was very unsatisfactory and he decided to threaten legal action. Now we'd done our job to the best of our ability; but our only alternative was to offer him a refund. But he wouldn't accept that people make mistakes and he decided to make a great deal out of explaining his predicament to everyone in the office over the phone; all front of our lovely customers. The joys of shop life. 

Dead in Drayton

It was great to visit Drayton Manor yesterday. We had picked a great day where the novelty of summer had still not warmed off; all the grown-ups were at work; the kids were at school with no chance of an end of term trip; and even the students were back at college. So there were no queues and it was absolutely dead. Dead to the point where Shockwave; Europe’s only stand-up roller coaster was absolutely dead and I was stood at the front in my very own car. The only time we had to queue was when the ride was already in motion. So very soon, we were all coasted out. We even had time to explore the zoo at a leisurely pace. It was fantastic to see all the traditional roller coasters there like the Buffalo ride and the Pirate adventure. But they've also gotten rid of some of the old favourites like the Jungle Cruiser as well. The times are a-changing.

Piecing the Pillars together

I've finally finished reading Ken Follett’s The Pillars of the Earth. It’s a fascinating novel of parish life in England throughout the exile of Thomas St. Beckett. Although there are trials and tribulations of the small folk over their ruling counterparts; the story shows that everyone is answerable to someone; whoever it may be. There are gaps in the history of the characters which are sometimes hastily filled in; while at other times there is more detail than necessary; especially when it comes down to describing craftsmanship in the middle ages. But the plot is very well thought out, and for me it conjures up a modern day piper who seeks out justice for those who don’t pay their way in society and avenges the wrongdoing decisions of those in power. And the biggest surprise at the end for me was that it counts towards my BBC’s Big Read reading list too!

Harry's a hard one

I've recently started to play the Lego Harry Potter video game. These games are usually thought out very well and are lots of fun, though in this case the game can sometimes be extremely difficult. The main problem at the moment seems to be building those missing extras. One of the key  stratagems is to build Lego objects using your wand to gain access to other areas. The key components seem to be hidden in objects so minute and insignificant that you really have to tear the game apart to find what you're looking for, and the individual levels seem to be quite short so there's never enough time to fill up the bonus bar. It's also quite difficult to direct objects to where you want to go, with no auto move system in place to assist you in moving those vital Lego pieces. Still, a long way to go yet. 

Bad news at the Bistro

So at tonight's beer club meeting we affectionally attended a pub which we recently decided to present an award to. It was a great idea; the pub had done a fantastic job of turning a mess tent into a proper bistro lounge; complete with its own bar and heating. The fact that they had gone to all this effort alongside promoting a curry club and real ale club all at fantastic prices is phenomenal. However, the final test came today when the virgins decided to visit for the first time. And the beer was just not quite right. It makes a world of difference; that the beer quality was just not quite right to seal the deal. The staff were friendly and there was a fantastic deal of banter at the bar; the surroundings were very accommodating and we were not in anyone's way. But serve us an average pint of beer and we will turn the tables against you. 

Crawling around Clent

I really enjoyed my RambAle yesterday. Despite attempts to hijack and re-route the walk to make it even longer; it really did turn out to be a successful day. The sun was shining as we left the Lyttleton Arms; and people thought that I had access to a big red phone upstairs or that I was the Sun God of Ra! So after our first two pubs we reached the hills; and after a hefty climb to the top; the views were absolutely stunning. We could see from miles around; from Halesowen to Birmingham and towards the mighty Malvern Hills too. Then after visiting the Stones we decided to descend down to the pub… along with everyone else it seemed. We had quite a wait before our whole party was fed; which was a real shame. But at least we had another three venues to visit after that to scout out some excellent beer. So after putting our much lighter wallets back into our pockets; we ascended Nag’s Hill for one last look at the Malverns. Then it was back to a pub crawl; albeit with a bit of walking between each one. You can see a full map of our walk on this web address (it’s a very impressive shape!): http://www.walkjogrun.net/routes/current_route.cfm?rid=BEEBB795-9A25-4C06-90A1-7CE50EADEC4F

Droning on about Droitwich

Yesterday’s visit to Droitwich was a fine example of how a town should be. There was a ring road with shops in the centre, surrounded by footpaths and underpasses so that pedestrians could still go about their daily lives. There’s no end of convenience stores or pubs in the residential areas for those essential supplies. However, although there were some shops with big high street brands; it’s not somewhere you’d go for a bit of shopping. As the town is quite small; there’s only really room for a small stretch of shops. The fact that there are two large medical buildings is something of an overkill. But it is a community town that always has something on; whether it’s an empty shop hosting a book sale or local art gallery; or the fact that you can pop down for a nice stroll alongside the canal. It is a medieval town that I would very much like to visit some more to explore its history.

People watching on the train

I'm on a train heading over to Droitwich. It's a nicer way to travel and I only have to pay one fare. It's always nice to watch the countryside go by at this time of year. There's fruit ripe for the picking on trees. There's cows and sheep going about their daily lives. And occasionally; just occasionally; you can see the lives of other people as you cross bridges and pass through towns. There's Saturday football matches being played. Cars travelling alongside busy roads. People's possessions that they have carefully stowed away in their back gardens. Fancy trimmed hedges, security systems on the gates of fancy houses; even a poster praising the Lord Jesus Christ. And other people making their own journey as the train passes through the station. There's car doors in motion as people meet and greet each other for pre-arranged lifts.  Shopping bags, pushchairs and newspapers all showing just what they've been up to.  It's just great for people watching. 

What am I paying for?

So once again our hospitals are under threat. Millions of pounds have been spent dealing with millions of complaints; mainly with our hospitals closing. The people who run them seem to think that there's no money to be made out of a free health service. And they'd be right. Because when someone is offering something for free; someone has to pay for it somewhere. But having hospitals cut down on services purely for financial reasons is unacceptable. Where is the service for the people  who pay for them? Well, I think it's time that people who fund the service should have a bit of priority over the freeloaders; otherwise what are the funders paying for? if that encourages the freeloaders to get off their X boxes and actually contribute to society; then so much the better. 

What's the Buzz?

There's been a lot of chatter about the humble bumble bee lately. Apparently numbers are dwindling and we have had to ask a woman to drive to Sweden in her camper van to bring back one hundred bees in a refrigerator. There's even been a film which has been allowed to be confused with a children's animation. So how has this been allowed to happen? We've had the same winter as  ever. There's been no pollen shortage as I've been sneezing away throughout July. There has been an excellent source of pollen in our garden. The only thing that I can think of is obese children mistaking them for wasps and splatting them for their honey rather than leaving them alone to get on with making some.  Now scientists want to study them to apply their flight patterns to modern aircraft during wet weather (the bees, not the obese children) if they can find and defrost them...

Has anyone asked Us?

 So the Scots are having a debate as to whether or not they should go solo and become their own country. Lots of people are being asked if they should back the pound or lose the Westminster ties and be allowed to make their own laws. No doubt in two years they'll have their own nuclear programme and will seek revenge in a William Wallace-esque missile. Personally I can't wait to lose our northern cousins; and put up a barrier keeping them out of our fair land. We can barely understand them; and half of them seem to be stuck on a train smelling of booze and seeking shelter in our warmer climate anyway. So the question is; what do we get out of Scotland? Do we lose anything valuable other than haggis; Tennants and the Loch Ness Monster? Or we will be welcome as foreigners just like everywhere else in the world? And do we get a say in casting off our Bravehearts?

Act natural or lose your sales.

One of the things that we have to do when working in sales is to please our overlords and meet the targets. They’re not going to give us a shop and stock for free. And no matter what you buy, there’s always something to add to that’s sale; whether it’s batteries to make it work; a case to protect it; or even an extended warranty if you think you’re going to be clumsy with it. And every time; we always have to offer these products as part of our process. Now, I'm not the most natural of sales people. And if the customer doesn't engage, it’s really difficult to encourage them to spend that little extra. But the overlords are pushy. They believe that it’s our fault that we’re not hitting the targets; and they've even started supplying figures of the opportunities that we've missed. But being forceful can have its drawbacks. It discourages people from visiting our store again; or they may prefer to use the automated service rather than a human cashier. And that’s what the overlords need to realise. We need to tailor our service to suit our No. 1.

Those backward Americans

I've just been trying to make sense of American Football. So far there's been a lot of standing around with the occasional push and shove across the field. When the action's in motion it's hard to see what's happening; and sometimes the focus is more on the pushing and shoving  than the ball itself; resulting in only a few seconds of play. We then have a referee who; after a chat with his colleagues; calls out some strange numbers and does a little dance on the field. Our next treat is a quick profile update on the players and managers; while presumably someone runs around the pitch standing all the players back up again. There's also managers on the pitch edge with headsets while surrounded by a bunch of coaches. Presumably they're hiring and firing new players as their stock becomes bruised or increases in value. And numbers just keep appearing on the screen; the play clock just keeps freezing after every skirmish so how long it takes to play a whole game we'll never know. Even the network gave up interest and switched to a repeat of opening cardboard boxes rather than to see it through. Yet over 68,000 people were determined to sit through over four hours of stop motion action, just to see a stampede of helmets. Why? Because it's FOOTBALL! 

Be careful what you say out there Mr. Beeb

So this morning I was watching the news and they were talking about a vertical conference. What does that mean? Is it a conference where the attendees stand up for the duration rather than sit down? Perhaps it’s a conference where everyone who takes part has to lie down on their backs. It would certainly make things awkward when it’s your turn to speak; you would have to be strapped to the ceiling. Or is it a one way conference when someone just talks down at you? I thought that was a lecture. It’s most likely going to be this term; but I’ve Googled and Yahoo’d the term but can’t find any exact definition. I certainly don’t think that the Lib Dems have been attending this year’s youth conference in Massachusetts. Using clichés; especially political ones; can cause confusion to your real meaning; and can also alienate your viewers as well. So please Mr. Beeb; say what you mean for a change and don’t try to hide behind a phrasebook. 

Crushing Candies

It appears that matching candies is trickier than it seems. We spend ages staring at screens; looking for combinations to get the maximum points; and to place and activate those special candies in precisely the right square at the right time. Yet the pattern in which the new candies are generated is always a mystery.  Add in some annoying music (which I always mute and just have the sound effects); together with annoyingly challenging levels and hidden enemies; and you're sure to have a hit. Yet Candy Crush is the biggest game around. Even my mum is playing it; and is always demanding that I log on and send her a ticket or more lives as soon as I walk through that door. It's simplicity means that absolutely anyone can have a go. And the amount of challenges that are put forward seem to be endless. Only 261 levels to go! Just hope we're achieving something. 

So simple...

I sometimes head over to eat at the Sainsbury’s café. It’s a strange place and the staff there always seems to look as if they’re the simplest of the whole store team. You seem to have to make your own coffee from a tepid machine and choose from the vast array of empty cups that they have on display for you. There’s no barista and there’s hardly anyone there to help you at the checkout, which makes me wonder whether there’s a free grab and go service.  A tray is available to put your single choice of drink on the table. The strangest thing is that they run out of certain dishes. This is extremely odd, as there’s an ample supply of groceries less than fifteen feet away in the rest of the store. Yet there’s no custom chef and the food isn't overly gourmet; considering it’s from a grocer where there’s a great opportunity to showcase just what you could do with some simple ingredients.  

Adventures with your Breakfast Bowl

I've recently had the luxury of choosing my own cereal. Usually we just get what’s on offer or what’s best value per gram. But this morning I opened a box of Lion Bar cereal. And it’s actually very nice. It’s as if pieces of Lion bar are in my bowl soaking up my morning milk. But it seems as if the Health Brigade are stamping down on our choice of novelty cereals. Novelty breakfasts and prize toys are becoming less of the norm. Lucky Charms now have to be imported from the USA because of the high sugar content in the marshmallows. And it’s a terrible shame that Hollyoaks’ Banana Bongo Flakes don’t actually exist. There’s lots of potential for development of new products out there such as coffee flavoured cornflakes (which does actually exist in America, but needs more caffeine). So instead of going with the cheapest or what’s on offer, why not be a bit more adventurous picking out what goes into your breakfast bowl?

They don't make them like they used to

It's a shame when your favourite gadget stops working. You've been saving up for ages to get this great bargain and when it finally goes kaput; all you can do is to seek out another one. And that's even harder. Because; after being reassured that these will always be available; new stock comes in which does the job far more efficiently but costs that little bit extra and won't be compatible with your old one.  But most importantly; they don't make them any more. Sometimes you might be lucky and manage to get hold of one from somewhere; whether it's a mate or a website or from a different shop. But most of the time you're just forced to form out for a new one. You see, it's cheaper to replace stuff rather than to fork out for labour costs in repairs. It just goes to show what a disposal world we live in. 

Off the rails

So the government’s high speed rail project to get us quickly into London is coming off the rails. Apparently the £50 billion that have been earmarked to spend on this project is too much to justify the benefits. Personally I would rather that they spend the money on improving existing connections to ensure that transport is more reliable and up to date; especially buses when you've been standing at a stop for half an hour wondering whether the damn thing will show up. We need a robust transport structure in place across the country so that people can get about easier. And we need them later too; at least once an hour in the evenings would certainly make life simpler. It would certainly help the people who are currently being forced out of their homes to make way for four bits of steel. So let’s use modern technology a bit more to help get our nation moving. 

A work nite

So last night I was invited to a wedding reception at the Abbey Hotel, a posh venue complete with golf course; and of course no real ale. My first choice was Moorland's Old Speckled Hen; a strong beer in a bottle; but at £4.20 and that was just for a stick (two thirds). Having asked for a glass; I was given a half glass which I was asked to change (otherwise I wouldn't have any hands free for the doors!). She said so but explained it would be foamy; I explained it would settle. My next tipple was Tetley's Huntsman's Ale which was the same price but at least I got a full pint of it. This time the barmaid said; “It’s Ale, you know". Yes, but not as we would like it. Meanwhile my colleague's husband was getting sloshed on crappy lager and asking if the dismissal of  his son was fair. Yes it was, you thieving shit.

Gaga for Fashion

I  saw a picture of Lady Gaga the other day in her latest dress. It was pure white, plastic and the article mentioned what a trendsetter for fashion this woman has. Personally, I think she looked like she was carting a giant toilet roll on her back. I see these models wearing these enormous dresses and I think; how practical is this? How would the modern person wear this dress in an everyday situation? You would not fit onto a commuter train without a considerable amount of crush. You would not be able to sit down at your desk. You would have to spend a considerable amount of time taking your tres chic outfit off and on again should you wish to visit the bathroom. If you are making a statement to make us aware of something then that is fair enough; but no-one is going to rush out to Debenhams to buy  your dress for evening wear. And that is because the modern world has more sense. 

I gotta wait till the midnight hour

In a 24 hour service culture; you’d think that you’d be able to get whatever you want, at any time of the day. Ice cream sundae for breakfast; evening; a whiskey slammer with your porridge, or even get pop to your gym at 3 in the morning. But no. I’d agreed to give someone a lift to the airport; and their flight was ridiculously early. So on the way back I decided to pop into a 24 hour McDonald's for breakfast. I knew that there were some restrictions on the menu as I’d previously seen a group of Muslim lads come in after a night shift to order fish burgers; to be told that only breakfast would be served which meant they had to leave empty-handed. This time, it was my turn. ‘Sorry mate; breakfast starts in ten minutes’ said the spotted teenager behind the till. Luckily, I had a voucher for a free coffee; which I was then able to use while I drummed the time away for me to get a breakfast bagel. And that drumming was put to excellent use; as I managed to make progress on a hefty novel that I’d been reading. And at least I knew that my food would be cooked too; and not just left on the shelf as a leftover from another order. But it does raise the question that; if it’s a 24 hour service; then surely that service should cater to you?  

The Pedestrian

These mysterious creatures roam the pavements at all hours, and, eventually, stumble into the road too. Some are old ladies walking dogs with a beaming smile on their face; watching you as you pass as if to say, ‘Look, I'm fit; I'm out there and I'm walking and I'm exercising too; and you are not. I’m caring for another being.’ Some are strange hooded folk with earphones on their ears and phones out in front; as if seeking for guidance for where they are going and have no sense of what’s around. And some are just too cute and fluffy and you have to slow down for them, as they cautiously make their way across the road for want of not knowing what those two bright white lights are as they make their way from hedgerow to hedgerow. It’s a bit harsh to just squash the life out of them.    

Time for me!

I've quite enjoyed this year's birthday and was able to take time to celebrate. The morning started with a swim to burn off the previous day's Chinese, followed by a normal breakfast. Then I had a few hours to myself to get some campaigns organised in response to other people's requests. A short walk followed in a quest to the Beefeater; and although there was no real ale available (and some beardy weirdie was actually present to point it out to me!), I quite enjoyed my Swedish pear flavoured cider and ginger pork washed down by sticky toffee pudding. A short walk back towards town allowed me to jump on a train to Brum and catch up on some reading along the way. Once I'd arrived and explored the new station, I decided to venture into TK Max for a pair of jeans, and after close scrutiny; I actually found two! My next task was shoes; and after searching the big department stores I had found some I liked in the big discount stores; but; after battling with teenage shop workers and foreign families to get some service; they just weren't in my size. So my final task was to kill some time before a meeting by visiting some pubs to get some Cask Marque scans; I'm happy to report that I'm now over the 50 mark and hopefully a polo shirt will be finding its way to me soon. 

A night at the Works

So was tonight was an excellent night for trying out a new chinky. We all got together to visit one of our favourite pubs; and because the pub doesn't serve meals, we’re invited to bring takeaway food into the pub and they even provide the plates and cutlery. So after placing a call to China to tell them what we wanted; all we had to do was sit back and sup some pints while we waited for the food to arrive. And oddly, it felt like calling China as the chinky asked us for the postcode of the pub; even though it was about four hundred yards up the road. Still, when it arrived, it was well worth the wait. We had ordered a mixed platter so that we had starters to share; and the main course just melted in the mouth. So after enjoying my fried king prawn and chicken in garlic and chilli sauce; we stayed on for the pub quiz. We actually came third; and we didn't even have to refer to our mobile phones! Plus the quiz host created a brilliant atmosphere too.

Strip the Strip

As part of my subscription to a beer club, I receive an independent newspaper every month detailing the club’s activities. At the end of each issue is a short comic strip depicting the typical pub-goer and the antics that he gets up to. There has been some continuous debate about the persistence of the strip; and I have always argued that it is drawn up by a volunteer in good spirits. Lately though, I have to agree with the latter crowd in that the strip has become updated. This month’s adventure features a man walking into a lamppost; while previously he argues that pies aren't up to traditional logistics. Quite often, the plot is confused and the message is lost; and the whole cartoon depicts a man who is the fool that is stuck in his ways and refuses to embrace change. It would be fantastic if the writer would focus on more modern day issues rather than how things were in the seventies.