Derren De-Browned

I’m just so annoyed that my friend never had the opportunity to enjoy Derren Brown’s Ghost Train because of the fact that he’s in a wheelchair. We’d journeyed all the way down from the Midlands especially for the occasion. It didn’t get off for a good start when we arrived to find that the ride was out of order. When it did get going we were ushered straight to the front, but that meant that we missed out the photo opportunity in the queue system. When we got inside; watching the animatronic Derren Brown was quite enjoyable. We then followed our guide through a series of corridors; and when it came to the steps they had a special wheelchair ramp for my friend. But when it came to actually boarding the train; they actually expected my friend to be able to stand up and walk from his chair to the ride! Why wasn’t this mentioned before we started queuing by the first attendant? What a waste of time. 

God save the Queen

So this year the treasury have decided to add more chaos to the finance world by introducing a new pound coin in a different shape. Many companies have had to upgrade their vending machines to reflect the change. But isn’t this all a bit pre-mature? Surely (and God bless her heart) our monarch may not have much life left in her, so is a re-print of new coins and notes a waste of time? If Liz did to decide to abdicate and pass the role onto Charlie; surely this would initiate a new wave of freshly printed money and coins? Or are these changes just small fry when it comes to what goes on the money compared to the new shapes, sizes and textures of our finances? Surely this new wave of coinage is just confusing everyone? I recently got a €20c coin in my change when it was supposed to be a pound. If more places were open to accepting electronic version, life would be so much easier and faster. 

That's Better, That's Tetley

Come and rest your laurels and take off yer flat cap, it’s time for a cup of tea. You’ve been working hard lad so I’ve sent the missus off to put the kettle on. One lump or two? Yep, I’ve been perched on this bench for a long time now. It’s a great spot for people watching. And there’s some strange folk nowadays. Half of them don’t even know how to make a decent brew. And there ain’t half some rustling in the bushes behind me. I don’t know if it’s just the local wildlife that’s got their eyes on my brew or the youngsters having a roll in the hay. But watching the teapot go round and round doesn’t make me dizzy at all. Each time it spins, I just picture the brew coming out and wishing I could be sitting in one of those giant cups having a warm bath full of tea. Ah, that’s better. 

Caught Short #dreamdiary 27

I’m doing a dummy walk for one of my walking groups. It’s a walk which mixes in a pub lunch. The only problem is that I’m a bit short for time. Firstly, Mum has already agreed to make me lunch today and I’ve already agreed to go to the hospital with her, so this will be a very quick run rather than a walk. The second thing is that even though I’ve done this walk before, I cannot remember how long the walk is or work out how long it will take me. I’m standing on the edge of the embankment with the town behind me, grasping my smartwatch in my wrist and pondering the situation. As I look down, I see a large friendly woman set up a large red marquee-styled tent on the green below. In front of me on the hilltop is a beautiful stream trickling through rolling green hills. I’ve got three hours to play with; but I’m probably going to need a shower on my return; especially if I run it. I toy with the idea of calling home, but I already realise that I'm going to be out of time. Sadly, I turn round to abandon the walk and head back down the embankment. 

The Swarm at Thorpe Park

I love the effort that some theme parks put into the surroundings of this ride, and was no exception. Once again, my friend was gracious enough to let me ride while he watched from ground level amongst a post-apocalyptic display of rubble and disaster. As well as uprooted telephone boxes, there were also crashed helicopters and debris of emergency vehicles scattered around the site, complete with sirens. TV screens display news coverage of a crisis event taking place, known only as ‘The Swarm’. The queue was small and the queueing system was sensible, splitting the queue into two systems for faster access to the ride. The ride itself was very comfortable, and the arm rests were very secure which made for an even comfortable ride. I hate the oversized shoulder restraints as they make you rattle around in your seat too much during the ride. The highlight was zooming through the middle of a billboard. It’s a good one! 

Are we being charged for Stupidity?

Last month, a man died while charging his iPhone in the bath. Normally, you would think that electricity and water do not mix, and laugh at the man’s idiocy and lack of common sense and get on with your life. But now a coroner has decided that future products should come with warnings about how they are not to be used. This is madness. If it becomes law, manufacturers will now have to think of every situation where their products are not suitable for use and ensure that suitable warnings are in place. Chainsaws should not be used to swat flies. You should not use a stapler to pierce your ears. And I’m pretty sure that nowhere in my car’s manual does it say: ‘do not drive underwater’. Potentially, similar phones would have to come with a giant book which is three times as big as the phone itself; or ensure suitable warnings are displayed when the phone is plugged in, or write it into its user agreement. And who’s going to have to foot the cost? The consumer. Because manufacturers will have to think of every possible misuse of their products to protect themselves from legal implications.

Hopcraft Statement of Intent at the Horse & Jockey, Stapleford

Our last pub of our Nottinghamshire tour came close to winning a national award a few years ago. It’s another community pub which was very busy in the middle of a Saturday night, but we were made very welcome. The large bar was showcasing a brewery takeover, and was selling five different beers from the same brewery. A large timber lounge hosted lots of different sized tables whilst a raised area at the rear allowed others to chat. Behind a door there was another raised area which doubled as a stage, and behind that there was a snug with a small fire. It would be wrong to finish the evening without at least trying a strong beer. Hopcraft is one of those new breweries who like to keep their brews modern to attract a younger audience, and I suspect that they sell their products in keg as well as cask. Bu this beer was very enjoyable.

The Crack

When you first think of a comedy about two eggs in a kitchen; you think that this might be eggscellent as well as other egg-related puns. But for some reason, they’ve chosen to attack the Internet rather than any poultry-related jokes; which kind of makes it a little dry. The comedy is also too early in its execution, and rarely gathers a laugh. Its character development also appears too early in the series; from the start we are expected to know each lead’s temperament and ambitions. You might also think that the series’ name might mean the eggs are to avoid being stressed out or they’ll crack and become someone’s meal, but you couldn’t be further away from the storyline. There’s also no explanation of why a guitar becomes a moustache; why a sieve can be used to read people’s minds; or who Sam Pepper is. The music is also the same constant beat;  which just makes it annoying rather than entertaining.

Cookie Time

After a hard day on the sauce, I like to wind down with a good old Chinese takeaway to soak up the sauce. I usually have something basic like a chicken curry, but I go for the novelty rice with pork and prawns and a starter to make it more interesting. Sometimes I have to get two starters when there are poachers about. Our local Chinese is very efficient; it’s run by a young couple who are authentically Chinese; and have even learned to use an English spellchecker. They’re also not machines; if you order by number there’s a slight delay as they have to look up the dish. Tonight’s lucky aperitif was a fortune cookie; albeit a manufactured one rather than a freshly cooked one, hence Bad Chinese Gramor. It also hasn’t come true, since I can’t think of any colleagues who have recently planned to tie the knot. Plus the cookie itself was very small and dry. Another superstition let-down. 

Marstons One is 90 at the Golden Bee, Stratford upon Avon

Considering the character of Stratford upon Avon, you might argue that a Wetherspoons is just too much in terms of a chain, but if you look around the town there’s actually very little in the way of independent shops, pubs and restaurants. The pub itself blends in just right with the rest of the town, as it’s disguised in a typical timber-framed merchant’s house; not too dominant from the outside but takes up a fairly large plot owing to its many walls and entrances that it has. Like many of the businesses in this street, it must have had to knock through a few buildings but it’s surprising light in here. There’s plenty of snugs and small rooms at the front; while a large dining lounge occupies the rear just before the bar. It’s even smuggled in a rear beer garden. Drinks are reasonable; but food is the key seller here and expect to pay tourist prices and have a fair wait to be served. 

A Day in the Life of a Swordsman

Another day, another performance in a pub. There would be the usual equipment checks such as shiny shoes, pressed trousers and ironed waistcoats. John wondered if he turned up disobeying the checks; would the performance be cancelled? It wasn’t as if they had an army of dancers queuing to take his place. No, he loved these men like brothers; and he would be frightened to disappoint them. But at least he didn’t have to polish the swords. But he wished they could show their talents away from the traditional platforms of folk festivals and traditional pubs. He’d once suggested that they do a street demonstration in the shopping centre; or even audition for Britain’s Got Talent, but his ideas got laughed at by the more traditional members. It therefore wasn’t surprising that they often thought of folding. John would often think of joining in but his roots were too deep with this tradition. The show must go on…

Thor

It shuns the traditional Norse God story in favour of the Marvel Universe, as Thor falls in love with Jane rather than Lady Sif. Chris Hemsworth looks a little young in this film, but then again this is the first outing for the thunder God. Despite Thor’s powers, the feats in this film doesn’t seem that heroic, and perhaps it should be entitled How Thor Got his Groove Back. Perhaps we should have seen a few smaller plotlines of Thor stopping school buses from falling off a cliff, or catching a plane in an urban area. I would have also liked to have seen more interactive humour when Thor tries to take command of people of Earth; especially with a Shakespearian director; who I thought would have stayed more loyal to the historical theme. Thor’s dominance is a lot more present in the sequels, but they are directed by other people. But then again, don’t we all need our groove back? Where’s my Mjoinir? 

Lincoln Green Hood at the Robin Hood Little John, Arnold

Whatever the historical significance of this pub, it’s been modernised too much inside to retain its traditions. A large lounge with a variety of comfortable open seating dominates with benches towards the walls for those who wish to pull up and dominate the room, while a small wooden room at the rear is for more private conversation. The walls are full of brewery memorabilia and pictures of old Arnold pubs; but other than that timber is the main theme here. There’s also a mahogany dining room that we never got to see, as the pub was very busy. You could certainly see the weary traveller wandering in, as the beer was in great condition and there was a lot of choice from the Lincoln Green range. The pub may be on the outskirts of Nottingham, but it’s in the very centre of the suburb that it is in. And there’s no robin Hood memorabilia anywhere.

What is a pub for?

So the days of the traditional back boozer are gone. Pubs are learning the hard way that people can’t afford high prices for something that they can get elsewhere. They really need to brand themselves to offer something unique that other pubs can’t. It could be food, entertainment; or even a unique setting. But to sit there expecting people to come in and just put money in the till is suicide. And not everyone might like your changes, which is why you have to do this gradually so that you don’ upset your regulars (unless they’re a bunch of hanger-on’s that you really want to get rid of). It would be nice to attract just a class of high-spend person but you may not be in the catchment area for that. But the key thing is not to force your ideas on your regulars. It’s all about trying something different and letting the world know what you are doing.

Sullivan's Swords

I’ve just witnessed the ancient art of sword dancing. It’s like Morris Dancing but manlier as they have swords instead of sticks and hankies. They also dress up in formal wear rather than having to display bells and daft hats; though the waistcoat trend hasn’t disappeared. Some of the dance moves do look a bit strange; such as when they shake their swords from side to side while holding them end to end; or when they walk around in circles using the swords as chains to hold onto. There’s no singing, but there’s no combat scenes either. But some of the displays are very artistic, such as when all the swords merge into a hexagon and are held by just one dancer for all to see. I’ve got no idea what’s hanging off the tip of the swords though. It kinds of dumbs them down and make them look like kid’s toys.

Transcendance

This slow film has a very light uptake on what some people would see as a dark angle of computer science. The dialogue is slow and uninspiring; as if the characters themselves have given up on life and have ceased to interact with each other. And in a stunning turn of events, this AI has shunned the unusual stereotypical approach of destroying the world, and has instead decided to save it. Or is it replacing it? It’s hard to work out. But there’s definitely a scope of global change here after these events. And why would you risk wiping out today’s known technological civilisation? Surely there must have been considered before putting this into execution? We see very little of this debate from the human side; instead we are just told that it is bad. But even though the virus wipes out the original sentinel being, the nano-mites survive. Could this then lead to an extermination once the nano-mites rebuild their master? Not one of the best forward-thinking films.

The Brew Crew

In 1952 a man set forward to seek out a friendship that the rest of the world could never rival. He sought out the old and the young and embraced all cultures to find the best possible people he could to call his friends. Instead he got stuck just outside of Birmingham and had to put up with this lot. No-one knows how he’s attracted such loyal followers; especially when they take the piss out of him every possible minute they can. But without them, he’s lost; doomed to sit at home on his own with only his wife for company. Occasionally he’s let out to explore the world and he’s happy to go anywhere just so long as he’s got a chance to get away from his wife, and there’s a chance to seek out beers from breweries that he’s never heard of before. And the dirty old man will use any chance he can to cop a feel off the blonde that always trails him.

The Splurgeot 2008

When I collected my car from its MOT, I was given a magazine detailing the launch of the new Peugeot 2008. It claimed that it would take us through the whole design process “from sketchbook to showroom”. It began with too many assumptions; that I automatically knew the difference between an SUV and an MPV; and it also mentioned many other abbreviations that I decided to just skimp over and not bother looking up. There were showy photographs and interviews with designers; but not a single sketchbook was featured and there's not even a mention of any specification of the car or pictures of the driver’s seat. Instead it just focuses on comfort and testing; which suggests that it’s just an oversized showy tank with lots of flashy features; fun to have but you need an expensive lifestyle to go with it. It truly is a soccer mum’s heaven. Though a fifty-eight percent safety rating without an adequate explanation doesn't make it sound that safe. Especially if you need a harness to take pictures out of the boot. 

Robo-Jan

Coming soon to a bar near you… it’s Robo-Jan! This state of the art robot will always lurk behind you until you’ve just about reached the bar; then will charge in front of you just as the bartender approaches. She’ll ask a million questions about each ale in a countryside accent with a slight whistle which is painful to understand; which will then cause the bartender to disappear for the rest of the evening in search of answers. When the drinks are finally poured, she insists on counting out all of her small change; examining every denomination in detail as she decides which coins she needs to keep for future reference. Then she’ll ask for a pen and paper to write everything down which will cause the bartender to disappear again, leaving behind a huge queue of impatient customers in their wake. After having ignored you for ten minutes, Jan then decides to chat to you, thus depriving you of flirting with that gorgeous barmaid.  

Autobots

The trouble with leaving everything to automation is that there are people who don’t know how to use the system correctly. And it’s these people that we need to invest in. If you give everyone the opportunity to purchase something when it pops up on screen, it’s still not enough. Some still won’t understand the necessity of purchasing additional products. Some will just skip the details which will cost them at a later date. Some people have to put a certain amount of guesswork and trust into their purchase; and get frustrated when the item isn’t as described. And that’s a let-down that you can avoid. How heavy is the item? How is it packaged? How will your customer take the item home? Simply discarding people by avoiding these questions will simply slow the process down when they’re ready to use your service; assuming that your service is 100% reliable and never needs fixing. But if you do have this information to hand; it certainly puts more trust into the product and saves everyone a lot of time.

Ashover Gold at The Final Whistle, Southwell

This pubis a true gem and has character that all pubs should have. It’s got unique features and memorabilia that just makes you want to explore every nook and cranny; and we certainly did in our quest to find the bar. It’s got a decent selection of real ales; though we had to wait a while as the staff were very busy. I went for the house beers as I was sure that they weren’t on my tick list, and they were very refreshing. As well as a first-class lounge (which we made a bolt for as soon as we saw that it was unoccupied but didn’t get much time to enjoy it), the pub’s beer garden had been converted into a mock train station complete with platform and waiting room. And in the middle of the beer garden, a local folk group named Sullivan’s Sword performed for our entertainment. It’s definitely one of the more novel pubs that I’ve visited.

It's the small things at the Trouvelle Hotel, Bournemouth

The reception team were very friendly, and the wi-fi was excellent. However, the room was quite a bit on the small side. The headboard was attached to the wall rather than the bed; and the décor was quite old; with holes where pictures had been and cigarette holes were present in the chairs. There was blood on the curtains which draped over the radiator, and the shower was quite tepid and took ages to get warm. Breakfast was a confusing experience as the maître d’ first asked me to follow him then asked me to return to the entrance. The chef’s special was a changing option of fried bread or hash brown, and the ketchups served from a large bowl at the end instantly made me think of an Indian restaurant. I also noticed that several tablecloths on adjacent laid tables could have done with a bit of a wash. Improvements required.    

Magpie First Gold at the Marquis of Granby, Granby

We arrived at a small village and instantly descended into the one public building available to us; the pub. We didn’t know where exactly we were. Our surroundings were just of houses. There was just one building of interest and we descended into it like crazy. Luckily, the pub was quite quiet, as we soon filled it up and made it busy. The tables in the bar were instantly flooded with people supping halves and enjoying the surroundings; which weren’t particularly inspiring for a group of people who had journeyed all the way from the Midlands. It was lucky that the Marquis himself wasn’t in otherwise we may have disturbed his favourite haunt. The main purpose of our visit was to sample the beer, which was in excellent condition and everyone made an effort to try at least two of the five beers that the pub sold. And once the beer had been served, all you could hear is people discussing and appreciating it; while also talking of where the next venue might be.

Spring Editoriale

Festival season is approaching! Volunteer CAMRA members have been hard at work over the cold winter months plotting and planning to bring you these amazing events! The sun is out, the long weekends are ahead, and there’s plenty of events to choose from. Hopefully you’ll be able to find some great real ale and cider wherever you go (please get in touch and tell us!) But please bear in mind that these events only come into fruition because of the dedication that CAMRA volunteers put in to make these events happen. So why not help your branch out this year by volunteering to become a CAMRA member? You can find the contact details for your local Worcestershire branch at the end of this issue; or visit camra.org.uk/camra-near-you for details of other CAMRA branches around the UK.

As well as details of festival dates; you’ll also find news about local CAMRA pub awards; which are awarded to illustrate the hard work that our local licensees put into running our favourite British institutions. Please use them or we will lose them!

Pint Taken will be going under a complete overhaul in May, and we hope to bring you a fresh new look for our summer edition which will be out towards the end of July. Your feedback and comments are always welcomed by our volunteer editorial team. We’d also like to thank all our advertisers, contributors and volunteer distributors who have all donated their time and money to help make this edition possible. I’m now off for a beer so cheers and enjoy!

The Oddball

One of the many perks of being in an organisation where you share the same interests is that you get to meet people from all walks of life. Rich or poor; old and young; they all unite under one common cause. There are some great characters that you really enjoy spending your time and sharing your stories with. And occasionally there are people that are just odd; not just for the act but are downright bonkers. It’s not just that they dress the same to stand out; it’s how they interact with the world around them as well. They’re people that you’ll find fascinating to watch as part of a group; but you wouldn’t necessarily feel comfortable inviting them into your own home. And when you watch them; you learn even more of their habits such as cursing at everything that comes into their sight and stealing every morsel that comes before them; and you actually wander what goes into their head to make them feel that they want to share your common cause.

Heineken to take on 2,000 Pubs

Punch Taverns are planning to sell nearly 2,000 of their pubs to Heineken. If approved, the deal means that the Dutch Brewer, which already owns the Caledonian brewery and the John Smith brands, will be the UK’s third biggest pub company after Greene King and Enterprise Inns; owning around 3,000 pubs across the country. The £305 million deal is now being examined by the Competition and Markets Authority to assess whether it would reduce choice for customers and restrict competition by only allowing these pubs to sell Heineken-branded products. A decision is expected by the end of April.

Heineken entered the UK pub market in 2008 with its takeover of Scottish and Newcastle, and currently operates over 1,000 tenanted and leased pubs through its Star division. In a statement to CAMRA, Heineken’s Director of Star Pubs & Bars Lawson Mountstevens said that they sold over 200 brands of cask ale in their pubs last year. He also promised further discussions with CAMRA members once the deal had been completed. 

Marstons Melba at the Rose & Crown, Feckenham

The Rose & Crown was once a chain pub but has truly come into its own under the stewardship of Matt and Imelda. Matt runs the kitchen and cooks up excellent pub food classics while Imelda keeps a stern eye on the bar and gives a friendly welcome to locals and visitors alike. The pub is nestled in the village’s High Street and offers a traditional bar for the locals to kick back and have a drink, as well as a comfortable restaurant. Best of all is the rear beer garden which is perfectly manicured and hosts one of my favourite bank holiday weekend events – the Fecken Beer Fest. Here, the pub puts on an excellent display of beers all weekend alongside a showcase of live music. There’s always a beer on sale here that we haven’t tried before. Matt’s parents always volunteer to work at this event too, and they are very friendly people to chat to. I hope this tradition continues for many years to come.

Barrista Banter

‘Wow, I never expected it to get that far.’

‘Where did it end up?’

‘Stonehenge.’

‘Well, it makes a change from a motorway verge.’

‘I just think it’s nice when they end up in interesting places. It makes me think that they’ve got interesting lives.’

‘Does this guy have a profile?’

‘Yeah, he’s a weekly sipper. Chooses a bunch of different places. Maybe he’s a travelling salesman.’

‘No, look. Says here that he works in a warehouse. It’s a shame we can’t track them once they’ve dumped the cup.’

‘We can with the reusable ones.’

‘Really?’

‘Yeah, that’s why there’s a bar code on the bottom of each one.’

‘Isn’t that against data protection?’

‘Not if they have a loyalty card. They have to agree to it when they join.’

‘That’s scary.’

‘Yep, we can see where our locals are and e-mail them an incentive when sales are down. Corporate can also see whether we’re in the right location.’

Expedition to Feckenham

This year we chose a quicker route for our annual expedition to Feckenham. We’d walked past this turnoff many times before but we didn’t know that it existed. A small gate led us past some friendly farmers and out onto the top of a hill overlooking the open fields that we had to cross to reach the pub. It wasn’t the most scenic of routes; but it was the cleanest and it merged onto our normal route quite quickly; so we reached the village in new record time. Before we headed into the beer festival, we decided to pop round to see our friends at the Cricket Club. They’d just finished clearing up after holding a beer festival the day before; and were relaxing on deckchairs and invited us to help them sup up the last of the beer. Then it was onto the main event itself; where Mel’s family was in place to give us their usual welcome.

BrainDead

This isn't what I thought it would be. There were no zombies dressed as politicians. There weren't any zombies staggering around Capitol Hill with a shotgun finale in the Oval Office. But the show was still very clever and original; with just the odd bit of gore to keep the horror fans happy. And the political side of the series was well written and would work even without space bugs trying to take over the world. It even drifts off towards the end of the series and the invasion seems to take a back story; there's even a whole episode where Gustav wasn’t even featured. I was secretly hoping for the baby to be infected and that we would witness an infant CHI or a demon spawn child. It's a shame that the producers decided not to commission another series; the settings would be perfect for them to slowly mock different aspects of American society.