Zombies in the Shopping Centre #dreamdiary21

It’s late at night and I’m on my way home from the pub. I’ve got a great kebab and I decide to eat it in the market rather than wait until I get home. I sit on the steps leading up to the shopping centre and tuck into chicken and chilli. It’s gorgeous and all eyes are on the delicious grilled food to create as little mess as possible. When I finally look up, there’s a huge horde of zombies crawling towards me. In a panic, I run up the steps and try the doors to the shopping centre. Amazingly, they’re unlocked, so I push open the doors and turn around. Unfortunately, there’s nothing to barricade the doors with, so the only choice is to head further inside. In a corner by the entrance to a supermarket, two zombified security guards are consuming the flesh of a shelf-stacker. I tiptoe past and head inside the store. If I can reach the deli counter, I might be able to find a butcher’s knife big enough to defend myself with…

The Ill Prepared Scout

I had a friend who had a mission to get to Kinver Scout camp for some survival training. Being a Yorkshireman he didn’t know the area that well and hadn’t done his homework. He’d managed to find a rail connection to Kidderminster, but the last bus had left and there were no taxis to be found. Instead of visiting a local pub to get the number of a local taxi firm, he decided to roam Kidderminster in the hope of finding one. By the time he’d found someone to take him to Kidderminster, the office had closed, and there was no-one to check him in other than knocking for help on the door of some female teenagers; of which he was a bit embarrassed to do for fear of being called a pervert. Instead, he decided to take shelter in a telephone box and set out for help the following morning.  After his first tiring day of training he took an early afternoon nap then after waking up he found that everyone else had headed to the village to get food. He decided to freshen up then use his charm to blag some free food, but unfortunately the shower was in a different complex which meant that he’s locked himself out in the rain again. It’s not nice when you can’t find any friends to help you.

Timothy Taylor Landlord at the Eagle, Redditch

The Eagle is a traditional local drinking hole. It’s a pub that has never had anything special going on for it other than looking after its locals. It has a horseshoe bar which stretches across two rooms; one with a dartboard and a lounge with a fireplace. At the rear, it has a large beer garden with a fantastic view over the ridge of the town below. It’s never been famously known for its real ales, but lately it has four on under its new tenants. It also has a cider on, but it predominantly caters for its lager dwellers. It’s very big on sports and a large TV dominates the corner of the boar, while a corridor interlinking the two rooms has a karaoke machine. I once remember waiting ten minutes to get served while the barmaid stood in the wash room texting. It’s never been known for its service; it’s more known as a place for people to go and have a local conversation.

What's Inside?

What’s inside the cave over there?

Could it be a big brown bear?

Its tall red walls can easily hide

A giant on the other side.

From here it looks quite dark.

Perhaps it’s the home of a bat named Mark?

Or maybe it’s where the monsters live.

Do they exist? I’m not going to fib.

Up above, the birds do watch

But they stay upon their notch

In fear of the dark inside

And the growling that comes from the wide

Entrance of the cave,

Wondering who will be brave

Enough to venture in

And discover the mystery within?

The grass around is perfect for

A game of golf or a walking tour.

And the bushes resting upon its cliff

Contains lots of pollen that makes you want to sniff.

Many people do pass by

But they don’t go in and I don’t know why

So grab a torch and let’s go see

What’s inside the cave in front of me.

Purity Mad Goose at the Gate Hangs Well, Redditch

The Gate Hangs Well is known as an old man’s pub. It’s a traditional drinking boozer which has always had the reputation of a pub for conversation. It’s been the meeting point for many a night out. Its traditional beams have been present ever since the pub was used as a turnpike for the roads in olden times. And today the pub is little different. It has a great reputation for keeping its ales in great condition; but its tie to the pubcos does not do it any favours. High end prices and a restriction on its guest beers has put many people off in the past. It has occasionally tried to create a loyalty following with collector’s cards and a loyalty raffle; but these attempts have been abandoned in recent years. It does have a loyal quiz following with excellent prizes if you can beat the odds. And the food menu is quite novel when it is available. But the licensee will only open when he expects to be busy; he likes to keep his overheads low and only opens during peak times.

Permitted Development Rights

The UK is losing 21 pubs every week. This figure has declined in recent years (in 2015 it was 27 pubs a week) but it’s still an ongoing concern for many communities. Across the country, many people have come together to form action groups and have listed over 2,000 pubs as Assets of Community Value. But these volunteers have highlighted frustrations in these applications which goes through a lengthy bureaucratic process and still leaves many loopholes which allows the pub to be demolished.

CAMRA is now looking to bring about legislation which would cause a halt to permitted development rights to pubs; a practice that currently allows pubs to be converted or demolished without going through a full and transparent planning process. When planning permission is not required, there is no opportunity for local people to have a say on changes connected with the property.

As Pint Taken went to press, the House of Lords were debating the Neighbourhood Planning Bill which called for the removal of permitted development rights from pubs. CAMRA members across the country wrote to Terence Higgins (KBE DL) to persuade him to support the campaign.

Parks and Recreation

This comedy is pure genius. At first it starts out as a mockumentary, and the style takes a little getting used to. It’s about a dysfunctional municipal government department in a fictional town of America. We start with the tale of a young government employee who is enthusiastic enough to battle it out with your worn-out typical bureaucrats. Along the way, she looks after her team who; after dealing with each of their individual battles; become loyal enough to support her when she decides to run for office. Her political dreams take a downturn in later episodes, but her recovery plan is ingenious and creates a very creative exit for the programme. And the sets are ingenious; they evolve from just an office and a park to full-on location visits featuring a number of cameo celebrity appearences. The comedy is very deadpan and typically follows the pattern of The Office, but its execution is perfect and will make you want to follow the characters again and again.