Beware of the Botanist

On my trip to Pembrokeshire, we decided to take in a guided nature walk by the sea. We arrived a little early, and went down to the beach for a walk while we waited. Along the shore we saw loads of crabs and jellyfish all washed up on the shore. ‘This is going to be great’ I thought. ‘All this coastline and a guided walk; we’re bound to get some good views from the cliff tops’. So we met our guide and off we went around the corner…and stopped. For here, in the middle of the sand dune, was a plant. ‘A very nice plant, named because it only flowers at this angle, and the latin name is…’ Fifteen minutes later, we had walked the grand total of thirty yards, and got passed several bits of grass to smell at along the way. A great crow stared at us as we stared at the ground admiring a green stick coming out of the ground with a pink blob on the top. We climbed a hill to stare at bushes with a magnifying glass at the top (my first instinct was to see whose hat or neck could I burn). In all, it probably took us ninety minutes to walk a mile; all of which we could have discovered ourselves. So beware of the botanist.  

Being cold to cold calls

I've been getting a lot of cold calls lately. Usually it's someone who asks if they can sue somebody on my behalf; either because someone slipped up or accidentally didn't write the terms and conditions properly. Occasionally it's to ask if I have any stocks or shares. I'm sorry, but I'm not going to discuss my personal details over the phone with someone I don't know; especially if they require all my account numbers, my mother's maiden name and the name of my first pet. I wouldn't remember the name of my first pet anyway. But what annoys me is that they have all this information about you then require you to undertake a gigantic survey while filling you in on why they're doing it. The last guy who called me didn't even do that; so I just put the phone down halfway through his pitch. But what annoys me the most is that they always call at an inconvenient time without bothering to tell you what they're calling for. And if they waste my time; I really can't be bothered to listen to you. 

First cats,now pigeons...

Pigeons are getting more suicidal. In the summer months; I've had to brake, swerve or use my horn just to spare their lives. They just stand there as if they're in a drunken stupor;  not realising that a 4 ton car coming towards them at 30 mph can actually have an effect on them. They seem fatter too. When they actually shift themselves; it takes a real effort for them to get any kind of lift and you can actually see that they're struggling to even get off the ground. The body just wobbles, and you wonder if they're actually going to make it. Usually they do, but it's a real shock when they do go thud and hit your windscreen when they haven't quite grasped the situation in time. So it’s a win win situation. Pigeons get to feed off our litter and fatten themselves at the same time; while we as disposing of their rubbish are contributing to their demise.

Scuba vision

Swimming underwater can be quite hard. I mean, aside from the oxygen thing, you also need to see where you’re going. It’s hard enough in a public pool when you've got something in front of you. How far away is the wall of the pool? Is that something coming towards you? Are you going to crash? You’d better resurface to see. With a scuba mask it’s crystal clear, but you need it airtight in order for the damn thing to work. Not that you’d see anything interesting in your local pool anyway – in fact you’re more likely to get a telling off for being a peeping tom. But in the sea it’s different. First of all; the water’s usually freezing anyway. Secondly, if you can brave it enough with a scuba mask; you then need a lot of equipment to avoid scratched feet and oxygen starvation. But if you get all three combined together, it must be amazing.

Is it worth the wait?

So we have a new baby boy to worship. Our proposed future future queen has given birth to a healthy baby boy, after being smuggled through the back of a hospital. Naturally, the world’s press have been camping outside the hospital for the whole day, anxious to hear the news and possibly get a glimpse of the little darling. But why the whole day? Why is it so important to keep everyone waiting the whole day? We don’t know what time the baby was born, or even if the baby was born. Has anyone seen him? Perhaps he wasn’t born at all, and there’s a conspiracy afoot to build a lifelike sleeping plastic doll. Or perhaps we’ll never see him. Perhaps the royals will finally take their revenge on the paparazzi and leave  the hospital in a gunship helicopter; never to be seen again. But all we have is a piece of paper on an easel outside Buckingham Palace.

Invasion of the Chiller Moths!

Moths are strange creatures. Usually we don’t think of them as terrifying creatures; that’s if we even notice them at all. But at this time of year, they’re all around us. It must be the heat that brings them out into the light. And the strange thing is that they’re really creepy. They only move in the corner of your eye, but it’s like a huge shadow has just passed you by. They may not seem frightening given their size; but they sure can get up to mischief. And they’re getting bolder. They really do enjoy relaxing on the ceiling; or even taking a seat. They’re not fast or don’t even bite; but they always have that drunken stutter when they fly. And when you try to chase a moth, the first thing it does is to fly straight into your blind spot right in front of you so that you lose track of where it goes. They've not yet eaten any of my clothes; they always seem in ecstasy as they try to get as close to the light as possible.   

Pembrokeshire

Pembrokeshire is just a fascinating place. There are gorgeous beaches, beautiful sunsets, fantastic scenery and friendly people from all walks of life. Take the relaxing area of Freshwater East. Peaceful with its scenic views, hideaway pub and relaxing atmosphere. Then there’s the  nearby town of Pembroke with a castle, stunning views from the keep and walks aplenty. Just a short hop away is Tenby, a seaside town with shops to match; large beaches and plenty going on. And then there’s all the villages in between, each with their own attraction and hideaway features to explore. The sea air is all around you but you are never too far from civilisation either. There are scenic walks aplenty both inland and coastal, which is what makes this national park so special. There’s great opportunities for wildlife spotting too; from puffins, dolphins and seals to crabs, fish and very friendly and polite seagulls. So why not visit Pembrokeshire; there’s something for everyone.

Dinorock

Denver the last dinosaur liked to boogie on his pink guitar, but how about a whole group? It's time to bring rock back to the Stone Age. It's time for ... Dino Rock! It's a rock band and the musicians are all dinosaurs! They could be a completely animated band like Gorrilaz; their records being recorded onto a stone cd or cave paintings found to record their existance. Or perhaps they could have been trapped in an underground cave for thousands of years during a lava storm; forced to rehearse. Or frozen in ice? Someone hears their music and starts drilling to find out what is going on. Maybe they discover a whole crowd of dinosaurs partying to the music! There needs to be just four or five members in the band itself; with different roles and colours so that people can remember them. We need jazzy alliterative rock names; and we need to keep this idea away from the big tv networks so it doesn't get poached. It could end up as a TV show with different adventures in each episode; or proper music which can make the charts! It needs some thought but Dinorock is in a time of its own.  

Get in and level up!

So it’s a heatwave here in Blighty and it’s currently a 'Level Three', but just what does that exactly mean? You have the Richter scale to measure earthquakes, defcom to measure terror threats, but level 3 sounds like you’re making slow progress on Candy Crush. And what was level one; snow in winter? So to cut through the media jargon I visited the met office and looked it up. Level three is actually a heatwave level, where we are advised to take precautions such as wearing sunblock, drinking plenty of fluid and generally keeping an eye on one another (level four is a kind of stay indoors in a cool area and actually phoning your friends, family and elderly neighbours to see if they’re still alive). We’ve apparently never experienced level three in this country before; which is probably why no-one’s heard of a heatwave level in the first place. But life must go on. And if that involves more BBQs and reasons for staying up later then I say get in! 

Save the Wishing Well

Members of the Redditch & Bromsgrove branch of the Campaign for Real Ale (CAMRA) are calling for

Bromsgrove residents to help save a much loved public house. Bromsgrove District Council have received an application to convert the Wishing Well into a Health Clinic.

The Wishing Well was a fantastic music venue for people to support local bands in a friendly and informal atmosphere. It was previously known as the Shoulder of Mutton; and there has been a public house on this site for over three hundred years. Removing the public house from St. John’s Street will erase an important landmark from Bromsgrove’s history.

We’d like to ask as many people as possible to object to the application to preserve a part of Bromsgrove’s heritage; and to call on council planning officers to draw up safeguards to protect community assets such as pubs.

You can object to the application through the below link (deadline Friday 19 July):

http://appuview.bromsgrove.gov.uk/online-applications/applicationDetails.do?activeTab=summary&keyVal=MON8HCDP3S000

Chicken on a Raft

I sometimes feel like I’ve been stuck with a chicken on a raft. I can’t get rid of it. Wherever I go, the chicken is always following me. And now, thanks to a random website generator; I’ve now got an annoying folk song in my head telling me all about it. There is a chicken on a raft wearing sunglasses. There’s a chorus which is really persuading me not to stay here too long. There’s even a timer to tell me how long I’ve been stuck with a chicken on a raft. And there is nothing else. The only thing you can do is to stop or go elsewhere. Close the chicken down and continue with whatever you need to do.  It’s a great way to record how much time is being wasted and it really makes you conscious of what you need to achieve. What it doesn’t do is do your tasks for you.

Go try it.www.chickenonaraft.com

Back to the Stone Age...

I find it very odd that this year's pollen forecast is sponsored by a major pharmaceutical company. Not only is it harder to determine the pollen hotspots, it also raises the question of the reliability of data. They've got the perfect platform to market their products directly in front of the people who need the information the most. And they've got a great chance to manipulate the data too. Medical sales are hardly going to soar if the data is to predict a low pollen count. And yet it's the same information each day with no mention of facts and figures. Come to think of it, there's not even a date and time so there's a good chance that the site isn't even being updated. It makes life annoying when we rely on these agencies to gather data to help us make decisions then find they've outsourced the research to someone else for financial gain. The information becomes very questionable and unreliable. And there's no one else who is prepared to monitor the information for us. It's back to the stone age...